Episode 100 - Stronger Together

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Recorder beep]

KANE: Okay, so... um... I'm not really sure how to start something like this.

I guess, let's be... clinical about it. My name is Kane Baxter, and... I'm recording this so that I have some kind of... record of it.

I got the idea from my mother's cassette tapes. Julie Baxter. It's been... incredibly helpful to be able to listen to her experiences, so... I can only imagine that having a similar record of what happened to me last night will be useful to someone else someday too. Maybe not even for someone else, maybe just for me.

I've asked Helen and Ricardo to record their experiences too, so that we can all... cross reference, I guess. Get a better idea of what happened. Ricardo was really into the idea. He's pretty serious about laying stuff out logically and archiving things, so this is right up his alley. Helen was okay with it too.

And Jason... well, I did ask him to record something on his phone when he gets the chance, but... he might not be up for it for a little while. That's okay. I can always poke him about it later. It's not like there's a strict time limit on this, I just... I want to try and get this stuff recorded before we all forget any details.

So. The beach.

Helen, Ricardo, Jason, and me. We all went there, and... we held hands, which... sounds a little goofy, but... it worked. We... synced up with each other.

It was kind of like when Jason and I are really close, when we sort of feel inside each other. It was like that, but... with more people.

Everyone feels different. Jason is very bright and vibrant, and feeling connected to him always feels invigorating as well as comforting. Ricardo is more... solid. Strong. You feel grounded when you're connected to Ricardo. And Helen is... well, Helen is Helen. She's sweet and soft, and you feel treasured when you're connected to Helen.

Once we were all connected, we tried to... I think "go bigger" was the phrase Helen used? Something like that.

So... I thought about Mumma. Julie. I thought about her voice and her frizzy hair, and how I felt when I was around her, and... how she made other people feel. And I thought about the tapes. Remembering when she said she walked along the beach and how she felt there.

And then it was like... you know when you're looking at a room, but you're looking for something specific and small, like... I don't know, a pen. It was like... the whole universe was the room. And she was the pen.

But... just like when you're looking for a pen in a room, after a while of surveying things, you eventually see it. Even if it's under something, or in a shadow, or something like that. And once you've seen it, even just a bit of it - that's it. You know where it is now. You can go directly to it, now that you know where it is.

It's... hard to describe the sensations from there. It was like... god, this sounds stupid, but... it was like I was a meteor, right? And Mumma was a planet. Once I found her and started going towards her... it felt like I was moving a million miles a second. The whole universe felt blurry around me.

And then... when I got there, when the meteor struck the planet, when I landed in the sand and water in front of her... everything stopped very suddenly.

Everything stopped. Even Jason and Ricardo and Helen... we were holding hands, and they were there, but... they were frozen. No, not frozen. Just... occupied. Like an app that's open in another window.

But she was there. My mother. Wearing a loose fitting dress and holding her sandals in her left hand. She was pregnant. With me.

I could see her so clearly. But there was this... strange filter on it. There was this vibrant green colour swirling around her and radiating from her.

And... she saw me. One moment she was frozen like everything else, and the next... she was looking right at me.

And she knew me. There was this wave of familiarity. Even though I wasn't even born yet for her... she still knew who I was.

[Emotional] And I was so... even though I was in the middle of it, I couldn't believe it. I asked her... "is it really you?", not because I didn't already know it was, but because... the fact I was seeing her again seemed so impossible, so illogical. The dead stay dead and time travel doesn't exist, but here I was. In a time before my birth, seeing someone I had sat next to when she died.

Then she asked me... "are you my baby?"

I felt this... overwhelming joy and rapture. She really did know me. I told her yes, and then... it was like my soul was a waterfall, like everything I am was pouring out of me and onto the shore. All my love for her, all my missing her, all my gratitude to her... all of it. Just... spilling into the bay.

And it was happening for her, too. She began overflowing. Happiness and hope and relief was just... billowing out of her.

And then... then I felt Jason suddenly recede. I felt a sudden lack of Jason.

He shrank away, and then... everything broke. The magic splintered.

It was... like going down a drain. I felt sucked back, very quickly, to... reality? The present? I don't know. But suddenly I wasn't there in 1985 any more, I was back here. 2019. Everything was solid again.

The magic was gone, the connection between the four of us had ended. And Jason was freaking out about his sister. So... I--I just immediately tried to calm him down. Then we called a taxi so we could get him to Southern Cross in time for the first train of the day to Wangaratta.

So... that's what happened.

I don't know what this means for us, or for magic, or for... anything. I don't know if I time travelled, or had a vision, or saw a ghost or... I have no idea.

I do know... or at least I'm pretty sure... it was because there was more than one of us there that I was able to do it. With Helen and Ricardo there with us, with the four of us all connected... I felt bigger. I felt more powerful.

And I felt less fatigued when we were done, too. Normally, right after doing a big magic thing? I'm exhausted. I'm out for a while. When I unleashed... [Sigh] When I unleashed what I did, at the gay bashers that time, I... I passed out afterwards.

But this time? Doing this? Something that definitely required far more effort and power? I was a bit tired, for sure. But I was fine.

I don't think it's just practise that made it less draining. I think... I think we're stronger together.

[Recorder beep]

[Recorder beep]

RICARDO: [A bit clinical] Okay. My name is Ricardo Flores. I am recording a subjective account of... whatever it was that happened on the beach a few hours ago.

Jason, Kane, Helen and I - and Dognerys, of course - we went to West St Kilda beach at around 4AM.

We weren't quite sure how to start, but on Kane's suggestion, we formed a circle and held each other's hands. I held hands with Jason and Helen. Helen held hands with myself and Kane. Kane held hands with Helen and Jason, and Jason held hands with myself and Kane.

We tried to focus on our feelings for each other. On how much we care about each other and love each other. We also tried to focus on what I think are the three prongs of making this magic work - love, trust, and safety. Or love, vulnerability, and fearlessness. I'm not sure which is more accurate, although they are intrinsically connected.

That was... difficult. I always struggle with fear. And even trust, to a certain degree. I love very freely and easily, but everything beyond that is a challenge.

So, I... took it one by one. First I thought about how Jason stayed at the hospital with me, the whole time, even though he had no real reason to do so. I thought about how Kane welcomed me into his home, and set up a bedroom for me so I could be comfortable from the moment I arrived. I thought about how Helen always listens so intently, and always without judgement.

And I desperately clung to the memories of every time each of them has told me, clearly, that I am welcome. That I am wanted. That they have no desire to rid themselves of me.

As I focused, I gradually began to feel like we were connecting. Like ever so slowly, little tendrils of me extended into each of them, and likewise, little tendrils of them crept into me.

It was so strange, so unfamiliar, that I'm ashamed to say I felt myself running away. I became afraid, of this strange unknown experience, and... I broke our connection.

I was afraid everyone would be upset with me, but they weren't at all. They were very kind. So I took a deep breath and prepared to try again.

At this point, Kane suggested that we sit down, so I could have Nerys with me.

It was a good idea. She settled down with her head on my leg, and I already felt calmer. I mean... no matter what fear I might have about humans, I know that sweet Nerys will always love and accept me.

And that... helped me connect to my friends again as well. Because they helped bring her to me. The fact she is with me is also evidence that my friends and partner genuinely care about me.

I think where I failed the first time was that my fear of getting hurt bypassed my belief that my friends would not hurt me.

So the second time... I didn't just focus on them, I focused on me. I focused on the fact that I know that I am safe with these people. No matter what lies my PTSD tries to tell me, I, Ricardo, know that I am safe.

So... we tried again. And this time... I relaxed and breathed through the unfamiliarity. I welcomed the slow trickle of them into myself. I allowed myself to flow into them without tension.

I trust these people, literally with my life. They have never given me any reason to fear them.

Then... all our minds and hearts were merged. I was a part of them and they were a part of me. We were still ourselves, but we were so much more.

Suddenly I could very tangibly feel the love between Jason and Kane. The comfort, the happiness. The calm warmth between them.

I could feel the care and longing and peace that Helen feels for our community, and the unbridled joy and love that she feels for Storm and Mira.

I felt Kane's loss of his mother, a grief so tremendously deep but still carefully healed.

I felt Jason's admiration for all of us... something that I didn't even know he felt, until last night.

And then... Helen suggested we try to go bigger. Try to reach out further.

And I admit, I didn't know what that might look like for me. I wasn't sure what I would reach out towards.

So, I started small. I started with my dog.

[Quietly happy] I'm so glad I did.

I have never felt such a pure and strong love and joy like I did when I touched her mind with mine. And the moment I felt it, I knew I could go further.

I reached for the seagulls next. There were still a couple around, even at that hour. The opportunism I felt in them almost made me laugh. I could feel their sharp senses, watching all around them. I think perhaps we think too little of gulls, sometimes.

Then... the possums in the trees in the park behind us. Keen and curious. Even the trees they rested in had a beautiful, still life in them that I could just barely feel, softly against my own mind.

Then... insects. Life, everywhere! Above us, beneath us... a fog of tiny, simple creatures, just as much a living part of our world as we are.

And then... the ocean. My god. There is so much life in there, and it goes so far. I touched minds I couldn't comprehend because they were so different from mine. I was dwarfed by the songs of whales. I was filled with static from enormous schools of fish.

Further inland... mammals and birds and people and more... billions and billions of sparks of life, glittering and twinkling in such rapid succession that it almost gave me a headache.

And below... the earth itself.

You know the saying "the ground fell out from under me"? Where you are in such a state of emotional shock that you feel you are falling, endlessly?

It's hard to describe, but it was... like the exact opposite of that. The earth stayed still, and I was the one that descended into it. I sank through dirt and magma until I hit the core. And I was... enveloped there. I was wrapped around the core and the earth was wrapped around me, and...

I have never felt safer, or warmer, or more peaceful.

It was... the most incredible experience.

And then... then it was like a string on a violin snapped. A sharp crack. I was flung out of the earth, so fast that for a moment I couldn't tell where I was, whether I was in my body or not.

And then I felt Jason's hand pulling away from mine... and then he was panicking, talking about his sister.

And then... well, we were finished. Kane called a taxi and took Jason to Southern Cross. Helen and I came home.

And now?

Now we just have to figure out what all of this means.

[Recorder beep]

[Recorder beep]

HELEN: [Uncertain] Uh... hi. This is Helen. I've never recorded something like this before, so... I guess we'll see how this goes.

Um, so... we went down to the beach, and... then we held hands, and... [Sigh] [Quietly] That's not very good, is it?

[More determined] Okay.

We went to the beach, to try and do magic together. We wanted to... figure this out.

I don't... think we really did that, unfortunately. But... it was still... illuminating.

So... when we got there, we held hands and tried to connect with each other. Kind of like how we do when we affect people's emotions.

It was... strange, and awkward at first. None of us really knew what we were doing, and... when we started sort of... feeling around each other's minds, it was like... gentle, and hesitant, and... well, kind of a lot like trying to have sex with someone for the first time, to be honest. We were just feeling our way through it, looking for what felt right and trying not to hurt each other.

But then... we found it. Not particularly suddenly. Or at least, it wasn't sudden for me. It was more like... very slowly walking into water. At first it's sort of surprising, and then as you wade in it becomes kind of nice. Then there's a sharp bit, where you kind of get a little shock? But then once that shock is over, you're in, and... [Sigh]

I felt... everything. Every little hope and fear and desire and idle compulsion, and...

I didn't know how much these men cared about me until now. I mean... I know they love me, we're all close friends. But I didn't know. I didn't know how much space I took up in their internal landscape. I didn't know how much of their future dreams and plans somehow involved me, even if just at the edges.

I didn't know how serious Kane and Jason are about trying to make the world better. Again, I-I knew it was important to them, but... it was like a fire lit inside them. In Jason it was a bonfire, bright and big and kind of scary, but really beautiful. And in Kane it's... soft, and deep, like a wood stove or a fireplace.

And Ricardo... he's the bravest of any of us. He has all this fear twisted up inside him, and all these painful snapshots that live behind his eyes, and all these cold scars that are tying him back to everything he's gone through. And I recognise that, a little bit... I have some of those scars too. But mine don't hold me as tightly as his hold him.

But he still stays soft. He still stays strong. He still stays open. That's just... incredible.

[Thoughtful] I think... if we did this again, and if he was okay with it... I think I could help warm up some of the tightly pulled scars inside him. Loosen them up a little. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, um... yeah.

So... we managed to all connect like that. And then... I was feeling around, I was feeling all these things these people feel, but I felt... contained. Like I was stuck in a glass box.

So... I pushed at the box a bit. And I felt it give way a bit, too. And that's when I was pretty sure... there was a lot more possible for us, if we wanted it. I was pretty sure we could go bigger. I was sure I could feel further, or deeper, or... something. Whatever this was that was between the four of us... I was sure that there was more.

So... I told everyone that, and then Jason asked if we should try it, and... we all said yes.

So I pushed at the box again. And it wobbled a bit. But it didn't open. I tried pushing and pulling and I was starting to get really frustrated with it, actually...

And then I felt Kane latch onto something. And he started... moving? It wasn't exactly moving, I mean... he was still right there. But... it wasn't not moving. [Sigh] This is really hard to describe.

Anyway... when Kane latched onto something, I tried to follow him - but it didn't work. It was like he got away from me. I wasn't able to keep up. I still couldn't break out of this damn box.

Then I felt Ricardo gradually pushing at the box, too. He was starting with Dognerys - he was trying to connect with her the way he had with us. And it was working. He was expanding.

So I figured, if I couldn't rocket out like Kane did, I had to move slowly like Ricardo. I just had to find somewhere to start. Somewhere small. Something meaningful to me, that I could focus on easily.

And... the first thing I thought of was the Best of Luck Bar. It came to mind suddenly, and it was like... obvious, once I'd thought of it. It's the only place that's ever felt like home. It's full of people I love and teas I drink and magic I don't understand.

So... I thought about the bar. I thought about all the people that passed through it. All the names and faces that have had a moment there. All the complex lives they live, all the feelings they had there, all the connections that have been made because of that place.

And... the box shattered.

[Astounded] I felt everyone. Everyone. Everyone who has passed through the Best of Luck bar. Everyone in the city. Everyone in the country. Everyone in the world.

I was overwhelmed, by billions of minds and hearts. So many that I don't think I was built to have the capacity to even comprehend, let alone actually feel on any meaningful scale.

But there it was. Everything.

Every thought. Every feeling. The worst of humanity. And the best.

And I just... I started crying, because there's so many people, and they're all unique, and they're filled with experiences and dreams and memories, and... I could feel them all. I could touch them all. I could... I almost felt like I could reach out and embrace them.

I recognized some people in the noise. Storm, and her strength and exhaustion. Mira, and her optimism and playfulness. Michael, and his gentleness and precision. Victor, and his determination and naivete.

And then... Jason. Jason's sister. Fear and worry and abandonment and running away and desperation. I opened my eyes to look at him and at the same time, his eyes opened too, and were filled with worry.

I felt the box come crashing back down. And Jason let go of Ricardo and Kane's hands, and he started saying that he had to go.

And that was the end.

And now we're here. Trying to figure out what the hell all that was. Trying to figure out what to do next. Trying to make sure we don't forget what happened, which is why Kane wants us to make these recordings.

I still don't know what's happening. but whatever it is... it's huge. I don't know how my brain didn't explode when exposed to so many people's feelings, but... I think maybe it's for the same reason I was able to reach them in the first place.

The others boosted me, but they also protected me. I'm pretty sure nothing like this could have happened if I had been on my own. The more of us there are... the more we can do.

[Sigh] I hope Jason and his sister are okay.

[Recorder beep]

[Recorder beep]

[BG SFX: Internal train noise]

JASON: [Sigh] Okay, let's do this.

This train ride feels like it's taking a million years, so I might as well use this time to make this recording like Kane wanted. Fortunately it's a quiet carriage today, there's a ton of empty seats around me, and everyone else is wearing headphones - which is weird, but I'm not complaining. Means I can talk about this without feeling too self conscious about it.

So. The beach.

So... this was actually the first time Kane or I have done our weird empathy connection thing with people other than each other. And it felt pretty much the same as it does with Kane, honestly, just... more complicated.

It's... really strange, in a good way, to feel like you're part of the same... soul, I guess, as other people. No, no that's not quite right either - we didn't all become one or something like that. We-we just kind of... flow into each other. Folding rather than blending, you know?

Hah. See Kane? I do learn things from you watching you bake.

When it's just Kane and me linked up, it's sort of... comfortable, and cozy. But this was... much more complicated. I could feel everything in the other three people, and I could feel them feeling everything in us other three people. It has this weird layered effect where we sort of... echo against each other, getting louder with each bounce, you know? I guess maybe that's how our power gets boosted? I don't know.

So then... after we all linked up, Helen said she thought she could go bigger. And everyone wanted to. And I...

Honestly? I just wanted to make everyone happy. Like, I mean, don't get me wrong - I love this magic shit. But I didn't have, like, a goal as such. I just... wanted to see what we could do, and... I knew the others all had things they really wanted to get out of it, so... that sort of became what I wanted to get out of it.

I mean, I won't lie, I was definitely hoping for a sign or something. Something that would explain all this.

We didn't get that. I did not come out of this with any explanation. I don't think anyone else did, either.

But that's okay. We'll figure it out eventually. And I mean... this was just the first time we tried this. We already know we can get better at magic with practise, so... it's okay if the first time didn't reveal everything, you know? We'll get there.

So... yeah. Where was I? Oh yeah, we were gonna go bigger.

I honestly had no idea where to start. But everyone else did! I felt Kane searching for his Mum. I felt Ricardo trying to release his tight hold on the three of us. I felt Helen pushing at some kind of limit that she couldn't pass.

So I thought, well... the one thing I know how to do is find stuff. I found the bar. I found the bigots. I'm good at making us lucky enough to stumble across things. I know how to follow threads.

So... I started looking for threads.

Kane's Mum was the easiest. I know what she sounds like, and I know what she looks like, from the photo Kane keeps on our bookshelf. And I know how much she meant to him. So... she was easy. I lucked my way onto the right thread and then... I sort of directed Kane to it. Like... I tried to tie the thread to him, so he could follow it. Then I felt him honing in on it and... I knew that was done.

So then Ricardo. I could feel him struggling, trying to not hold onto us so tightly and expand outwards, but not knowing where to start. And I thought about how Dognerys was the thing that made it possible for him to access magic in the first place, so I... pulled a thread from her, and tied it to him. Tried to direct his attention to her. And when she had his attention, he started to soften and... sure enough, his connection began to grow to include her too. So that worked really well.

And then onto Helen. She was... pushing at this limit, this boundary. I could feel it too, it was like... water pressure. There was too much on the outside for her to be able to open the door, you know?

So... I went looking for a leak. I... felt for threads, and... there was this warm, soft, silk strand from the Best of Luck Bar, reaching towards Helen. So I pulled it a bit, very very gently, closer towards her. And I tied it to her, and then... [Chuckles] then it was like a dam broke. She started expanding and flowing and growing up and out and... it was amazing.

And Ricardo was doing the same thing, in a different direction. Growing bigger and wider and deeper.

And Kane... he was sharpened to a point, struck into the sand like a spear. Really firmly rooted somewhere. Or somewhen. Because Julie was there, too. I could feel her as well, just faintly. Even though I've never met her, I still knew it was her. She was like a vine growing in through a window. Most of her was out there, somewhere I couldn't reach, but... somehow she was reaching through. Or we opened a window. I'm not entirely sure.

And everyone was expanding, and feeling, and reaching new heights and depths and...

And there I was. Just... sitting there. Sitting on the beach, folded in with these people I love, feeling them grow and deepen and get more powerful and...

... and I couldn't do the same thing.

I couldn't reach out. I couldn't expand. I could... I could pull threads towards me, but... I couldn't move towards them.

It was... a little disappointing, I'll admit. I was there, I was plugged into this intense, amazing, magical thing, but... I couldn't keep up.

[Sigh]

So, I... decided to just keep it small. I just focused on what was there with me. And that was... threads. Threads leading to all kinds of things, things that I couldn't actually access myself. I couldn't even tell what type of thing some of them were, it was like I was missing the right context. I didn't have enough information to follow them.

Once I wasn't looking for a specific thread, once I wasn't trying to luck my way onto one in particular... I saw just how many there really were. Thousands. Maybe millions. I have no idea.

So I... ran them through my fingers. Metaphorically. Just... feeling them out. And they mostly felt like... nothing. Because I didn't know enough about what was connected to them. They were just... threads.

But then I found... I found Maggie. I found this thread that... it just felt like her. And... I could gently pull that one towards me, and sort of wrap it around my hand, and... feel her. Feel her in the same way I felt Kane and Ricardo and Helen.

And I felt her panic.

[Speeding up] The thread around my hand started vibrating. Too fast. Too tightly strung. Like it was going to snap. And I saw... this tiny thread, that ran parallel to the one I was holding, and it was thickening.

Her baby.

I tried to relax the thread. I unwrapped my hand, I tried to give it some slack. But it didn't work. It was still tightening, and it was starting to fray. It was pulling back, like someone was trying to pull it away from me.

So I tried to... follow it. Tried to find out what was happening.

And then... I found the knot.

It wasn't a nice knot like the ones we have on the back of our door at the Best of Luck. It was gnarled. It was messy and decaying and fraying. And it was tangling up Maggie's thread. Consuming it.

It... it was our parents. And I think maybe their parents as well. I didn't follow the threads back to find where the knot started, so I don't know how far back it goes.

But it was strangling Maggie. And its rot was starting to eat at the join where her baby's thread was growing off hers.

I tried... I tried to untangle it. But I couldn't. I couldn't fix it. Not like that. You can't untangle those kinds of knots all at once. You have to loosen the ropes first.

[Distressed] But Maggie's thread was being wound tighter, and the rot was spreading, and...

I just... I knew I had to get to her.

So... I dropped out. I let the magic go, and we all came crashing back to reality. And sure enough, when I checked my phone, I had a missed call from Maggie. She needs me.

So that's where I'm going. I'm going to see my sister and I'm going to... try and loosen the ropes.

[Recorder beep]

[A few moments pass]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey! Good news, everything went well. Managed to calm Maggie down, managed to convince Brad that it's not personal that she was freaking out, and brand new baby Quinn has arrived on planet earth safe and sound.

Maggie is feeling a lot better about parenthood now. She's still got issues, but... I think she'll find her way through them and out the other side. I think maybe working through all the venom that our parents left both for and inside us will take a lot longer and lot more than a heartfelt conversation or two. She's agreed to see a therapist for a while - if for nothing else than making sure postpartum depression doesn't take her by surprise.

So... yeah. Everything's okay. I probably won't be coming home until tomorrow at the earliest, but... I won't be away for too long, I promise.

You should come meet the baby at some point. I mean... we are uncles now. You gotta be introduced properly. Maggie and Brad are extremely not okay with us just being a couple of names on a Christmas card once a year.

[Sigh] I love you. I'm really sorry if I worried anyone in my rush to get here. Tell them all I love them too, okay? And... we'll get back to figuring out the magic thing soon, I'm sure of it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Train station ambience]

KANE: I'm already at the station. I'll be seeing you and baby Quinn as soon as Vline can get me there. Victor, Michael and Helen are watching the bar for us until we get back.

And don't worry about rushing off. Everyone gets it. We're all really glad everything turned out okay. Oh, actually, that reminds me, everyone did tell me to tell you to pass on their congratulations to your sister.

I love you too. I'll see you soon.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: Well baby, you're due sometime this week.

[MUSIC: Soothing Music]

I have to say, I'm pretty excited to meet you in person, rather than as a ghost at the beach or a kick in my belly. I'm also excited to be able to go for more than an hour in between bathroom breaks.

[Calm] The nursery is all ready. I'm all ready. Hopefully you are too.

[Thoughtful] It's been a big transition for me this year. What my family looks like is getting a radical overhaul. I've lost Priya, but I'm gaining you.

There's often fluctuations over time. Not all family is forever. Sometimes people have to leave. Sometimes they leave like Priya did, packing up and moving away. Sometimes you have to be the one to walk away from them. And of course... eventually, everyone dies, and leaves their family then, at least in the physical realm. Nothing lasts forever.

But isn't that wonderful? Isn't that liberating? That means that you are free to take what nourishes you and leave the rest behind. That means that you can truly appreciate it when someone new and wonderful comes into your life, because you know that if you don't love them hard and sincerely now, you might not get the chance to make up for it later. That means that if someone stops loving you, or if someone stops caring for you, you are free to let the connection break, and move on.

New family can come into your life in a thousand different ways. Sometimes it's being born, but sometimes it's just walking through the door. Sometimes you're looking for them, and sometimes they're looking for you. Sometimes you just find each other by sheer, joyous luck.

It doesn't matter how someone comes into your life. What matters is what they do once they get there. If you find someone kind and respectful, who cares about you and who looks out for you, then that's all it takes for that person to be your family.

I promise to always do my best to be that for you. I will love you and look after you, and when you bring other people into this family, I will extend that love to them too.

And I hope that even when I'm gone, even when our connection is broken, that you'll take that love, and you'll share it with others. That's the legacy I want to leave with you. Kindness, compassion, and love.

I don't know you yet, not really. All our dialogue has been one way, just me talking and you listening.

But even so, please know that I love you. I love you more than I could possibly explain. I love you with every atom of my being, with every spark of energy that lives within me.

[MUSIC: Music finishes]

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Julie Baxter was written in loving memory of Gail Kerr.

Love and Luck was recorded at the Kathleen Syme Library and Community Centre, in Carlton, Melbourne.

We would like to acknowledge that Love and Luck was made on the stolen land of the Kulin Nation. It was primarily produced on the land of the Boonwurrung People, and was recorded on the land of the Wurundjeri People. We pay our respects to Elders past, present, and emerging, and extend that respect to all Indigenous people who are listening. Sovereignty was never ceded. Australia always was, and always will be Aboriginal land.

With this episode, we have reached the end of season two of Love and Luck. We hope you've enjoyed it.

We would like to thank all our Kickstarter backers for making this season possible. We couldn't have done it without you.

If you’re enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that’s patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 99 - Go Bigger

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Video camera beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean noise]

JASON: Okay, it's recording.

[Dognerys barks]

KANE: Okay, good.

HELEN: So... what now?

RICARDO: Well... I guess that depends on what exactly we're trying to accomplish here.

KANE: Well, I mean... I know what I'm trying to accomplish. I want to try and... connect with my mother again. And the last time it happened, it was here. So...

HELEN: I just want to know what I can do. I want to know what this is and why I can do it, and... what it means for me.

RICARDO: Me too. I want to understand this.

JASON: [Sharp breath] I dunno, I just want you guys to get what you want, I guess.

[Dognerys barks]

RICARDO: [Quietly] Settle down, Nerys.

KANE: [Sigh] Well... if Ricardo is right, and this all comes from love and trust and all that... perhaps that's what we should focus on?

JASON: What do you mean?

KANE: Like... okay, don't laugh at me, but... what if we all, like, held hands and tried to use our magic together, like that?

JASON: That's adorable!

RICARDO: That's a good idea actually. I mean... I don't think any of us have really tried to use magic together like that, have we? Jason?

JASON: No, I don't think so. Kane and I have sort of used magic towards the same goal, but I don't think that's quite what you mean.

KANE: I think he means more like trying to link ourselves together before using magic.

Which... no, I don't think we've done that, not exactly.

Jason and I have sort of... linked up before, with the empathy magic, but we didn't really do anything with it other than just feeling each other, you know?

JASON: Oh right, yeah, I see what you mean. Yeah, we've done that. It's nice. It's like... feeling super connected. It was one of the first things we did with our magic, actually.

KANE: Yeah.

RICARDO: Okay, then... let's try that.

KANE: [Deep breath] Yeah... okay.

JASON: So... let's all hold hands, yeah?

HELEN: Should we make a circle?

KANE: I guess so. Seems thematically appropriate, if nothing else.

JASON: Okay!

[A few moments pass]

HELEN: Okay... now what?

RICARDO: Now... we need to connect. Somehow.

JASON: Well, the way Kane and I do it, we just... think about how we feel about each other, and... how good it feels to be with each other. It's a very "live in the moment" sort of thing, I think.

KANE: Yeah. And... that matches up with Ricardo's theory, as well.

So... let's all think about how much we love each other, I guess.

JASON: And how much we trust each other.

RICARDO: And let's... not be afraid.

JASON: Okay.

[Everyone takes a deep breath]

[Some moments pass]

RICARDO: [Sniffles/gasps] I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I think I broke it.

[Dognerys barks]

HELEN: [Reassuringly] It's okay...

JASON: [Reassuringly] Yeah man, it's okay.

[Dognerys bark-growls]

RICARDO: [Breathes in] Just give me a moment...

KANE: [Reassuringly] It's fine. Hey, why don't we sit down, so Nerys can lay her head on your lap while we do this?

RICARDO: Yeah... yeah, okay, that's a good idea.

[Dognerys moves towards Ricardo]

RICARDO: [Quietly] Come here girl... Yeah. There we go.

JASON: Okay. Let's try this again.

[Moments pass]

HELEN: [Quietly] Oh...

KANE: Are you okay?

HELEN: Yeah.

I... I can feel you all in my head.

It's... it's nice.

RICARDO: Me too.

JASON: Yeah, me too.

KANE: Yeah. I feel it too.

[Pause]

HELEN: I think... I think I can go bigger.

JASON: Bigger?

HELEN: Yeah...

I think I can... reach out further. Beyond us. I feel like... I can expand.

RICARDO: Yeah... I feel like that too.

KANE: I don't feel like I can get bigger, but I do feel like I can get... sharper. Like I can... like I can pinpoint something.

No, not something. Like I can pinpoint her.

JASON: Shall we try and take it further, then? See how far we can push this?

RICARDO: [Certain] Yes.

HELEN: Yeah... I think so.

KANE: Yeah.

JASON: Okay. Let's see what we can do when we put our minds together, huh?

[Time passes, ocean sounds in background]

JASON: [Suddenly, urgently] I have to go!

RICARDO: Jason?

HELEN: Are you okay?

KANE: What's wrong?

JASON: I can't--I'm sorry, I know I broke it, but - I have to go! I have to... I have to get to Southern Cross so I can get the first Vline of the day. I've only got a bit over an hour to get there in time for that!

I'm sorry, I--I don't know what was happening for you all but - I have to go! It's Maggie - she needs me. I don't even know why yet, I just... I just know that she needs me.

KANE: [Calmly] Okay. Okay, we'll get you there in time. Don't worry. We'll go now.

JASON: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just - I need to go.

RICARDO: [Reassuringly] Jason, it's fine.

HELEN: [Reassuringly] Yeah, it's totally okay. You go be there for your sister.

JASON: Thank you. I'm sorry. I'll--we'll work this out when I get back, I promise. We'll figure this out. I just - I need to get to her.

KANE: [Reassuringly] It's okay. We'll go now. Don't forget your video camera.

JASON: Right. Yes. Sorry.

[Jason walks to camera]

[Video camera beep]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [Panicking] Jason, it's me. I'm going into labour and I just... I can't do it, Jason. I can't do it.

I don't want to end up like our parents. I don't want to ruin this kid. I don't want to break Brad's heart. I don't want to fuck up any of this! What if this is a stupid mistake? What if if I hurt this kid, or hurt my husband?

No one else understands. Brad's trying to be comforting, but he doesn't understand, Jason, he doesn't know how shitty our parents were. He doesn't know the poison that lives inside me.

I don't know what to do! Maybe I should just run away after I've had the baby? Leave it with Brad? Could I come stay with you if I have to?

[Crying] God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared, Jason. I don't know what to do. Please call me. Please. I just need to hear your voice. I wish I could see you.

Fuck. Please, just... please call me.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Serious] I saw you again.

I was at the beach, mid morning. Surrounded by screaming kids and sunbathing adults. And I thought, "oh, there's no way I'll be able to have a moment's peace in this ruckus".

But then a little wave broke over my feet, and... reality broke with it.

The world blurred and distorted again. It got stretched, it got sharpened, it got layered. Everything was so far away and far too close at the same time.

These ghosts appeared, but they weren't like traditional ghosts. They weren't transparent frills floating on air. They were... hypercolour silhouettes. Four of them.

One was a deep, pulsing blue, like ocean currents flowing into each other. Another was a blooming purple, growing steadily upwards and outwards like released butterflies. Another was a soft, rhythmic orange, that throbbed like a heartbeat. That one seemed familiar, like I'd seen it somewhere before.

And then there was one that a deep brown and brilliant white, twisted together like a humbug.

And it was you. I knew it was you.

And your attention fell on me, and you asked "is it really you?".

And I heard you--or whatever it's called when you feel words instead of hear them--and even though I haven't met you in your physical form yet... I knew, I knew that you were my child.

But just to be sure... I asked you. I asked you if you were my baby.

And you said yes.

[Emotional] And I started crying. I couldn't-- I couldn't help myself.

I started crying because here you were, this full, complete spirit that radiated kindness and love and protection, and I had made you. I would raise you.

And you felt so warm, and so gentle, and you clearly felt so lovingly towards me. And you seemed content, and safe, and happy, and that's all I could ever dream for you... and there you were, all grown up, fully realized.

[Calming] And then... everything snapped. And you were gone, and so were the other ghosts, and it was just me and screaming children and sunbathing adults again. Back in the normal world.

I'm sure that over the coming days and weeks, I'm going to start second guessing myself. I'm going to start thinking that I made all this up. That I imagined it in my grief. That I let my dreams run away with me.

[Certain] But right now? Right now, I am absolutely, positively, 100% certain that what I experienced was real.

I know what I saw. I know what I felt. And that's why I'm tell you all this, why I'm recording this. Because when I start questioning myself down the track, I want to be able to listen to this and hear the certainty in my voice.

I know I saw you. And I know you saw me.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Dognerys is voiced by Tilly. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 98 - Let's Try Again

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Nervous, thoughtful] Hey honey. So, before I try and sleep... I've been thinking.

I'd like to go back to the beach, and try again to... do whatever it was I did last time that let me see that vision of Mumma.

I know I haven't been able to repeat it so far, but... I've been trying here at home, not at the beach. What if that's the missing piece? The location? What if there's some kind of connection through that?

[Sigh] I don't know. I-- I feel like I'm on the edge of something right now, like I'm standing on some kind of threshold. And I just feel this... drive, this urge, to find out exactly what it is.

I know that last time I kind of... freaked out. But I know what I'm aiming for this time. It won't surprise me.

I just... I think there's something there, Jason. I think I can touch it again. I think I can reach her.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, so, I just listened to your bedtime voicemail, and the timing worked out really well.

Helen and Ricardo and I have been talking magic stuff down here in between the occasional customer, and Helen's pretty keen to try and find out more about what she can do. She thinks knowing more about it will make it less scary, and that's actually a pretty smart idea.

Ricardo was suggesting that the four of us head to the beach sometime and see what we can feel there. Your mum mentions it a couple of times in her tapes, and, yeah, you had that weird vision thing there too, and... I mean, I've said before that beaches always feel a bit liminal to me. So... it seems like as good a guess as any that there's something going on there.

So I guess we just need to make a time to head on down.

I'm gonna put in a vote for the middle of the night rather than the middle of the day. The weather's warming up and the beach is likely to have a bunch of people around during the day.

I mean... I don't know if there would be anything for people to witness as such, but... I don't know. Feels like maybe we should be on the safe side.

Anyway. Let me know what you think.

And hey - I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, so... yeah, that was good timing. I'll ask Helen and Ricardo when they'd like to head down when they get up today.

And I agree with you that the middle of the night is probably better, but ugh. That's right in the middle of my sleep time. That's going to suck!

Like, yeah, you're right. It's better. But ugh!

Oh, and I was thinking, we should take your little video camera with us when we go. Just in case anything interesting happens.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: It's really hard to get to sleep when I know you're just going to come wake me up in like four or five hours. I know the wee hours will be quieter than, say, midnight, but ugh.

Admittedly it's not just the lost sleep that makes settling down an issue right now. There's also the possibility of connecting with my long dead mother. That's not exactly a relaxing proposition. It's both... very exciting and very frightening at the same time.

On the one hand... I miss her so much. Even just getting to see her again, even just for a second, even in whatever weird time travel ghost format it might take... that possibility makes my heart swell.

On the other hand... I feel like we're definitely getting into "playing with powers we don't understand" territory at this point, and that's... terrifying. I mean... dead people are supposed to stay dead, like I've said before. We're not supposed to hear from them again.

Although, you know... I guess that's not true everywhere. There's a lot of cultures where that's not actually the assumed state of affairs. There's a lot of places where deceased loved ones are expected and assumed to visit or stick around.

But even just for me, I mean... I've been listening to new words from her on these cassettes, long after she passed. She's still not really gone. She still has a ghost here, even if it's just a voice on magnetic tape. Is it really that much scarier to consider another wire between us?

[Sigh] I really should be sleeping. It's just so difficult. I don't know what's going to happen, and that's hard for me to accept at the best of times, let alone when we're dealing with this kind of completely unknown experience.

I love you. I love you so dearly, and I'm so glad you've been with me every step of this. I don't think I could have handled it nearly as well without you.

It sometimes feels like you're the emotional foundation for my life. No matter what happens, I always know I have you. I always know you're here. I always know that you love me. And I always know that I love you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] Priya left for Canberra today.

I tried not to cry at the bus stop, but... I failed. I cried a lot. And, she did too. It was really hard.

The apartment feels so empty without her. Like it's only half a home.

There's still a bunch of boxes here... we didn't finish splitting everything up in time for the move. But that's okay. I can send these boxes up to her in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I don't forgetfully put anything in them that's actually mine. I haven't exactly been thinking the clearest these last few days. Grief will do that to you.

[Lighter] I'm trying to look on the bright side. Only a couple more weeks until you're due to arrive. Then the apartment will feel complete again. Complete in a different way, of course, but... still complete. Or at least that's what I'm hoping.

[Sigh] Big life changes are always so scary. It doesn't matter if they're for the best or not, they're still scary just the same.

But you have to be brave. You have to remember that big new things might be big new good things. You can't let yourself miss opportunities for happiness just because you're sad or uncomfortable or scared.

You've got to embrace change. Because change is going to happen anyway, so you may as well make friends with it.

I'm telling you this so that you know it, but... I'm also trying to remind myself.

Because it's so easy to hold onto the past too tightly. You can't let yourself do that. You should of course remember it, and you should respect it. You should value your experiences from everything you've been through.

But don't stop yourself growing beyond it. You change too.

And that's all right.

That's all right.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 97 - Be Not Afraid

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Worried] Kane, please check on Helen when you wake up. She got upset and told me to leave her alone, so I did, but... I'm worried. I don't think she's okay.

We were mucking around with like... god, this sounds stupid, but like... we were playing around with emotions, and we found out that she can like, change mine. And now she's really upset and scared that she's been doing something wrong. She didn't want to be around me in case she kept doing it.

I tried to tell her it was okay, but she wouldn't listen, so... yeah. Please check on her when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Shaken, upset] Kane... it's Helen. I... wish you or Jason were still up. I really... I really need to talk to you.

I think I might have to revisit all the times I told you that you were being silly for telling me I was magical.

I asked Mira tonight if I could experiment a bit with her, and I think maybe you're right. I think there's something strange about me.

Because... I tried to make her feel things, all different kinds of things, with no trigger. And she did. I made her feel everything, from angry to sad to happy to envious to... completely numb.

I didn't even tell her what I was trying to make her feel, I just asked her if I could try and affect her emotions, and she could tell me how she felt and when she felt it change, and... it all lined up. All of it.

[Tearful] Kane, what is this? Why is this happening? Why can I do this? This doesn't feel like something someone should be able to do. What if I hurt someone? Oh god, what if I've already hurt someone...

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Anxious, upset, trying to be brave] Storm, I... I wanted to tell you this as soon as I could, before I lose my nerve. I think there's something wrong with me.

Mira can tell you more about what happened tonight, but the short version is... I seem to be able to influence people's emotions. In a really real, tangible way, not... not just in the usual ways like hugging people or whatever.

[Upset] I just... I don't know if that's what I did to you, if I somehow tricked you into liking me, and I just... if I did, I'm so sorry... I didn't know I was able to do this. I-I didn't know... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: [Worried] Helen, please call me back when you get this. Are you all right? What on earth is happening?

[Gently] You didn't trick me into liking you, honey. You're wonderful. Everyone likes you, and it's not hard to see why. You're so kind and gentle and caring, only a fool wouldn't love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Mira, give me a call when you get this. Is everything okay with Helen? She left me a strange message and I'm worried about her. She said you could fill me in on some of it, but she wasn't very specific as to what.

Let me know if she's okay, please?

If I don't hear from you either I'm just going to come over to the bar. I'm really worried. Please check on her for me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tired] Hey Jason. [Sigh] So... a lot has happened this morning.

I woke up to some kind of worrying voicemails, and then I came downstairs to find Helen in tears on the staircase.

The good news is that she believes us now about the magic.

The bad news is that it kind of sent her into a spiral. She was convinced that we all only liked her because she made us like her.

I sat with her for a while and we talked. I think it was good that I was there, because I know what it's like to get into those spirals. I know how it feels to worry that you're doing harm without meaning to.

It was relatively easy to get her to accept that she hadn't tricked you or me, at least. I mean, the timeline alone proves it - we've worked out that she probably only started being able to affect emotions after already living here for a few weeks. So she couldn't have influenced us when we first met and loved her.

Everyone else... well, that may take some time to sink in. But we did make a good start. We did a few little magic experiments, and I managed to help her realize that she can't maintain magic for long periods, so it can't be as simple as forcing anyone to like her, since they'd stop the moment she stopped affecting them. And that hasn't happened to anyone.

[Tired sigh] Storm arrived about an hour ago, and Mira and Ricardo came downstairs not long after that. They're all talking with Helen now and reassuring her as well. Dognerys is also contributing a head in Helen's lap for her to pat.

So, yeah, Mira and Storm know about the magic now. Can't exactly hide it from them in this situation.

It'll still take some time for her to be comfortable with all this, but... I think we're at least on the way.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Serious, thoughtful] Jason. I think... I have a theory, now. About what causes the magic.

I'm not 100% sure, but... I have an idea, and it's an idea that doesn't have any obvious flaws yet. Going over further details of Helen's experience this morning helped aim me in the right direction.

I think... there are three components to it.

First... we have to love. Very deeply. Not ‘unconditionally' or anything like that... I'm not even sure unconditional love truly exists in the first place. But I think a deep and powerful love is the first trigger.

That's why you and Kane found it at the same time with each other. That's why Julie found it during her pregnancy, that's why Helen found it with her community, here at the bar.

The second thing is... trust. We need to be able to feel vulnerable with that love, to open ourselves to it. We need to trust the subject of our love to be kind to us, even if the love itself is not returned.

The third... is that we must not be afraid. If we love but we're afraid of that love, it doesn't work.

I think that's why I couldn't use it for so long. I love. I love you, and Kane, and the others here at the bar.. and of course I love CJ. And I trust you all, I let myself be vulnerable to you... but I was so afraid. All the time.

It was only after Dognerys came home that I found moments of peace. I found I could be unafraid for the first time in so long. And that... that was when I was able to access the magic myself, rather than just feeling its influence.

Even now... I've been experimenting, and I can't use magic consistently all the time. It comes and goes like a fluctuating power. And I think it's because the fear is so strong in my mind and heart.

I don't know if it will stay that way or not, but... if I've come this far, then... surely I can go further.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] So... it's decided. Priya and I are going to break up. Completely.

We just... we don't think we'd adjust well to the long distance thing, and... this is already so painful, we don't want to make it worse. So we're going to break up for good when she leaves. We'll stay friends, but... yeah.

[Sigh] This is painful, but I think it's the right choice. I'm going to have so much on my plate in the immediate future, between you and my nurse training... I can't spend that time trying to reconfigure our relationship at the same time.

[Wistful] So... I guess it's just going to be you and me for the next little while. The end of one chapter, but the start of the next. No more Julie and Priya, but... Mumma and baby instead.

[Smiling] Huh. It helps to think of it that way.

We've still got a couple of weeks until Priya leaves, but... she's already started packing. Which is good, because splitting up some of our stuff is going to take time. We've been so entwined for so long... every item needs active consideration.

[Tired sigh] I just... I need some relief from this sorrow.

I'm going to toddle down to the beach again. I need the air and the sea.

The world is so much bigger when I'm standing by the ocean. It's a good reminder of how small I am, and how little I matter in the grand scheme of things. And that's comforting, at the worst of times. Because it means that my pain and sadness barely matter, too.

[Gentle sigh] Who knows, baby. Maybe I'll see your ghost again when I get there, and you can reassure me that everything turns out just fine.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 96 - ... Right?

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Uncertain] Hey, Storm, it's Victor. I was wondering... could we grab lunch or something sometime?

Kane was telling me about the most recent tape of his Mum's that he listened to, and... well, it got me thinking.

I want to do more with my life, I want to help people. And... one of the avenues I could take for that would be to become a nurse.

And I was thinking... you're a nurse, so... maybe you could tell me a little about what it's like, and... help me figure out if it's for me?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Hey, Victor, sure thing. Let's talk nursing. I'm free all Wednesday if sometime around then works for you. We can meet at the Best of Luck so I can see my best girls on the same day.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Concerned] Hey, Mira, it's Helen. I didn't want to wake you up, but... I really want to talk to you. So... hence the voicemail.

Also, this way I can get my thoughts out now while I need to, and I don't have to go over it all again later when I inevitably need you to tell me if you think I'm imagining all this or not.

I don't know if you've noticed, but... Kane and Jason and Ricardo, they've all been asking me a lot of questions over the last few weeks about... well, magic. That's what they call it. I don't think that's what it is. I think it's just... coincidences and brain weirdness and stuff.

Or at least... that's what I thought that I thought. But I'm... I'm questioning that, now?

Nothing's really changed as such. It's not like something happened to make me question it. I just... I was thinking about it, and I have to admit, things have been... different over the past year or so. And that's been a lot of what they've been asking me about. About what sorts of things have changed for me in the last while.

And... a lot of things changed for me when I came here to the Best of Luck Bar. And I thought they were just... normal changes. But now...

[Frustrated sigh] I don't know. Things have just been different ever since I came here. I used to... [Vulnerable] I used to bring bad luck with me everywhere I went. I was sure I was going to bring it here, too.

And I thought I had, for a while. When the vandalism happened, when those horrible people were attacking us... I thought I had brought that on us, somehow.

But... then it was over. It ended. My bad luck never ended. Or... well, it never ended until I came here. And... ever since then? Things have been... really good. I haven't had any bad luck at all. And that's... unusual, for me.

I don't know. Maybe it's nothing. But... it doesn't feel like nothing.

[Sigh] I'm going to make some tea. I'll call back in a few minutes.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Thoughtful] You know, I used to be so bad at talking to people. I used to make people uncomfortable, or they made me uncomfortable. And I was just the worst at comforting people, I always made people feel worse instead. I just... I always said the wrong thing, you know?

But ever since I got here... that doesn't happen any more. I find it really easy to talk to people now. I find it easy to find something to say, and... I mean, as far as I know, I haven't said anything accidentally horrible to anyone, which is a huge improvement over mistakes I've made in the past.

And I can make people feel happy, now. I can make them feel good. I didn't used to be able to do that at all. I always felt like I was locked out of other people's emotional states, no matter how empathic or sympathetic or compassionate I tried to be.

But that all changed when I came here. Now I can comfort people. Now I can connect with people better than I ever could before.

And the only thing that's really changed between the old me and the new me is that... I'm here, at the Best of Luck Bar, and I love this place and these people so much.

But that's... [Amused scoff] Well. Surely just loving people doesn't grant someone magic powers, right? That's ridiculous.

... Right?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Cheerful] Hey, Kane. I just wanted to let you know that I took your advice. I thought about what I can do, and then I directed it.

One thing I have is time. I do work, but... I still have time for other things. And I'm healthy, I'm able bodied, and I got good grades at school, so... I know that I can study pretty well.

[Serious] So... I'm going to TAFE. Storm helped me apply today. I'm going to study aged care.

I figure... we already don't look after our elderly very well, and... that's even worse for LGBT elders. So... that's something I can help with. I can... look after the people that paved the way for me, you know?

Originally I was thinking of going for a full nursing degree, but... this will be cheaper. But more importantly... it just feels right. For now, anyway.

This feels like the thing I want to do. And if I change my mind at some point and decide that I do want to go get a nursing degree after all, well... I can do that.

So, yeah. Thanks for the advice, Papa Bear.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Tired, tearful] Well baby... I figured you'd grow up with Priya as kind of like your other parent, but... I guess that's just not meant to be.

She got a job offer this week. Which is great! It's the perfect job! It's exactly her area of expertise, it's exactly the kind of position she wants, it's a good salary, it will help her shape future minds in a really positive way...

[Sobs] It's in Canberra. 600 kilometers away.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up, but... I don't want to leave Melbourne. Especially when I've just been accepted to learn nursing at the Alfred. Especially when all my friends are down here. And especially after what happened at the beach.

I just feel pulled to stay here. I don't feel like I can leave, and... even if I could, I don't want to. This feels like home in a way nowhere else ever has.

[Shaky sigh] I mean, I guess we could try the long distance thing, but... even if we do, this will still mean our relationship will have to change drastically. We'll go from touching and hugging and kissing every day to being lucky to feel each other's skin once or twice a year.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right decision is. I'm not even sure there is a right decision.

[Cries] I hate this. I hate this so much. I'm so tired of losing people.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 95 - Do What You Can

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Hey Storm, keep an eye out today for a lovely gentleman named Sebastien who will be dropping by the hospital. He's a massage therapist, and I've booked him to spend an hour at the nurses' station so you and your coworkers can get some relief in between shifts and treating patients.

I hope he makes work a little easier on you all for today. I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: [Delighted] Mira. Sweet, beautiful, perfect Mira. This is, by far, the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. I love you dearly. Thank you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: Hey Ricardo, it's CJ. I just wanted to let you know that the trains are running late today, so I'll be a bit late arriving at the Best of Luck. So don't worry too much, okay? I'm still coming around, I'm just gonna be a bit late.

[Pleased] Also? I keep forgetting to tell you this until it's morning and I'm watching you sleep, at which point obviously I'm not going to wake you up by talking to you, but... you've been looking a lot more relaxed since getting Dognerys. You seem to be sleeping much better.

If there ever was doubt that getting her was a good idea, there's no way that doubt could survive now. There used to be tension lines all over your face when you slept, but not so much any more. Even when she's taking up so much of the damn bed that I'm pushed to the edge of it!

I don't mind, though. She's cute and you're sleeping better, so I'll sleep on the edge of the bed as long as I need to. It's worth it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Thoughtful] Hey Papa Bear. It's Victor.

I can't sleep, my brain's going on in circles, so I thought I'd think out loud at you for a bit, if that's okay?

I've been feeling more and more lately like I'm not doing enough. Enough for us, I mean. For queers. I want to make a difference. I want to help.

[Vulnerable] I... I really look up to you and Jason, and the way you take care of people, and... I just... I wanna... I wanna do that.

The problem is... I don't know how. I don't know what to do, or where to go to do it, or even what needs doing in the first place, really. I want to go where I'm most useful, where I'm most needed, but... I don't really have any skills I can use, and... I'm already trying to use my money in the best way I can right now...

I guess... if you have any advice, I'd like to hear it. I feel like I'm floundering a bit, and... some direction would be good.

I should try sleeping again. Thanks for listening.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Caring] Hey, Victor, listen. It's good that you want to help people. But don't fall down a hole of feeling like you're not doing enough, okay? That doesn't help anyone.

The best way you can help people is by doing what you can, no matter how small, and making sure that you're well enough that you can keep doing it. And then, if there is room to do more, you can expand your actions. But only if you have the ability to do so.

I'm not trying to say you can't look for new ways to help out. Just don't burn yourself out, okay? Don't get so excited about helping that you don't take the time and effort to look after yourself.

As for how you can help? Well... like I said, do what you can. Don't try and think of ways people need help and then try to push yourself to do that. Instead, think of what you can already do, and then focus that towards the goal of helping people.

[Proud] You're a good kid, Victor. I'm really glad to know you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sad, upset] I buried another friend a couple of days ago, baby. Another one.

He was a painter. Both industrial and artistic. The industry paid for the artistry.

[Wistful] The things he could do with colours... one day I'll show you. I have two of his paintings. They hang in my hallway.

[Shaky breath] I don't know how we're all supposed to go on through this, sometimes. How are you supposed to be okay after watching person after person slip away? Especially when it feels like no one cares except us?

[Deep, shaky breath] AIDS is decimating us. It's stealing our people, our culture, our joy, our contributions. It's laying waste to us.

I don't know what the future is going to look like, after this. Or if there will even be an 'after'. Maybe this is the end. Maybe this is gay armageddon.

I hope not. I don't want you to grow up in a wasteland. I don't want you to grow up without the voices and hearts of all these beautiful people around you.

[Deep breath]

But... even if the end of the world comes, I'm not bloody well going quietly.

[Firmly] I'll do more. I'll do everything I can. I'll find the time. I'll find the strength.

[Calmly] I'm going to quit my job at Brashs.

I have an interview and physical examination at the Alfred hospital next week. If I pass, I'll be enrolled in a three year training program at the hospital.

I'm going to be a nurse.

I'll be better able to look after people that way. I'll be in a better position to help. Plus, with my weird pain soothing superpowers, I'm pretty sure I'll be good at it.

[Earnest] We have to take care of each other. And when you're grown up... I want to be able to look you in the eye and tell you, truthfully, that I did everything I could.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 94 - Break Free

ROSLYN: This Episode of Love and Luck contains content involving surviving and dealing with toxic and abusive parents. Please take care of yourself.

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [ANXIOUS] Hey, Jason, it's Maggie. I just wanted to let you know... I'm considering limiting contact with our parents.

I just... I was thinking about how they've been acting about you, and... I don't want my kid growing up with that. I mean... what if they learn that, you know?

I don't want my kid to think it's okay to be mean to people. But if they watch their grandparents do it, and I don't do anything to stop them... what is that teaching them? I just... I just can't, Jason. I can't.

I thought I could have a cordial relationship with our parents. I thought that just because we don't get along doesn't mean we shouldn't make an effort. I thought... I thought I had to be on good terms with them, because they're my parents, but... now I'm not so sure.

I'm really, really sorry that this is happening. I know that however hard it is for me, it must be so much worse for you. And I'm really sorry. But I promise... I'm not going to keep letting this happen. Even if I have to cut all contact with our parents to make it stop.. then I will.

I'm sorry. I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey Maggie.

Listen, I don't want you to feel like you have to choose between our parents and me. I'm happy to keep my distance when they're around. We'll make it work, I promise.

I love you too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: No, Jason, that's not... Jason, that's not what I mean.

You're not making me feel like I have to choose between you and our parents. They are.

[Angry] You haven't yelled at me in front of my friends, or told me that I'm going to screw up my child just by letting them be around someone gay. You're not doing anything wrong.

They, however, are being shitty. And I don't want that rubbing off on my kid!

[Worried] I don't want my kid to grow up like them. I don't want my kid to think it's okay for people to be so cruel to each other. I don't want my kid to think it's okay for parents to hurt their children!

[Tearful] I don't want my kid to ever be afraid of me, or hate me, or think I'm going to treat them the way our parents treat you.

[Scared, vulnerable] I don't want our parents to poison my child. I don't want this kid to grow up like we did, scared and confused and messed up. I want to do better. I want to be better.

I just can't... I-I don't want to be like our parents, Jason. I want to be a good Mum. I don't want to fuck this up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [Upset, tearful] What if I do fuck it up? What if I'm a terrible parent?

I mean... our parents are clearly shit, and I just... I don't want to be like them.

But what if I am? What if I can't help it?

People always say that you end up just like your parents. And I... I already... I put up with their shit for so long. I let it slide because they're our parents. I let them treat you horribly. I let them treat me horribly.

[Scared] What if I treat my kid horribly? What if no one stops me?

What if their cruelty has tainted me? What if I can't stop myself being a shitty parent?

God, Jason... I just want to be a good Mum.

[Trying to pull herself together] I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this message. I'm just scared. I'm so scared, Jason. I don't want to fuck this up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Lovingly, firmly] Hey, Maggie... listen, I really hope the reason you're not answering your phone is because you're talking to Brad about all this, and he's hugging you and telling you that you're going to be fine.

Because you are. You're going to be a great Mum. The fact that you're scared? Well, as I heard someone say not that long ago, it just means that you understand the enormity of what it means to be a parent. And the person who said that was a really good mother.

And listen, you're not going to be parenting alone. You've got Brad, and he'll pull you up if you're shitty. You've got me, and I'll try and pull you up if you're shitty. I mean... we're going to care about this kid too, so... if something is wrong, we'll try and help.

I'm not going to say that our parents' shittiness won't affect your parenting at all, because... I feel like that's not true. But... I think that being aware of it, and checking in with yourself and people around you will go a long way towards making sure it doesn't infect you.

And I mean... if your kid feels happy, if your kid feels loved... that's the most important thing, right? As long as you're kind to your kid, and you love your kid, you'll be a good Mum. And I think that's something you can do. I think it's something that you definitely will do.

Not everyone ends up like their parents, Maggie. People can change the story. You can change the story. You can be be a good Mum. And I'm sure that you will be.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Calm, thoughtful] Well baby, I was talking to Mum - your grandmother - on the phone yesterday. We were talking about parenting, and she was telling me about what it was like raising me from her perspective, and things like that. It was good.

We talked about her mother for a little while, too. We don't... we try not to talk about her mother, generally speaking. Her mother was... bad. Very bad. She was extremely abusive. So... you know, obviously Mum doesn't like to talk about her.

But... she came up in conversation today, and... well, Mum basically said, "Just do the opposite of everything my mother did and you'll do just fine".

And I've been thinking about that ever since. My mother... she doesn't get enough credit for surviving what she's been through. She had a truly horrific childhood. And then when she grew up, she briefly married my father, who was a horrible person too.

But she also grew up... she grew up kind.

She never hurt me. She was a really wonderful mother to me. And that's... that's remarkable. It's hard to break out of that kind of cycle. But she did it. She broke out. And... she's amazing.

I still don't know a lot of the details of what happened to her. She doesn't tell me. But that's all right. She doesn't have to. Mostly because it's none of my damn business if she doesn't want to tell me about her trauma. But also because... you still learn a lot from very little.

For example... I once asked her why we always bought the expensive toilet paper, instead of a cheaper one. She looked frightened when I asked, and held the toilet paper she was holding tightly to her chest. It was just for a moment, but it still happened. Then she took a deep breath, relaxed her grip a bit, and said, "Well... I like it more. It feels nice."

That look of fear... that told me a lot. I came to recognize that look over the years. And it didn't take long for me to notice that it was the same look as the one she would get if her mother ever sent us a letter.

Trauma leaves ghosts in people. You may well have healed from something, but there's always a part of you still living that moment. I saw my mother's ghosts, even though she tried to hide them from me.

And... I inherited some of those ghosts, even though I didn't go through what made them.

It's a strange thing to try and explain to people, but... I still buy the expensive toilet paper. If I even consider buying the cheap stuff, I remember that look on my mother's face, and I feel her fear twist in my stomach. I have come to associate cheap toilet paper with pain.

[Deep breath]

I want to be as good of a mother as mine was. But sometimes I feel those ghosts, and I worry... what if I'm not? What if I'm more like her mother, or more like my father? What if those ghosts overpower me?

But then I remember... my mother broke free. I know it's possible to go against the ghosts. She proved it.

And I am grateful for her strength and determination every god damn day.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 93 - Baby Shower

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Upset] Hey, so... everything is terrible, and I wish that I wasn't here!

My parents are here! I didn't know they were coming!

I asked Maggie about it when they showed up and she said that while she had invited them, she didn't expect them to actually attend. So... I get why she didn't mention it to me, but I'm still kind of upset about it coming out of left field like this.

Things went, predictably, incredibly badly! My mother made a huge scene in the middle of the baby shower, demanding to know why I was being allowed in Maggie's house, and surely she won't be letting me near the child once it's born, and all kinds of shit like that!

Everyone looked very, very uncomfortable. I actually feel really sorry for everyone else who was there. No one knew what to do, if they should stick up for me or what. They all eventually just made their excuses and left early.

And now my parents and sister are having an argument in the house, and I'm sitting in the backyard trying not to fucking cry! I fucking hate the country, and I don't know why I thought I should even come here. [Tearful] Fuck.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Worried] Fuck, Jason, please pick up the next time you see me call, okay? Or call me back, when you get this.

Listen, your parents are garbage. I'm sorry, but they are. They're horrible people and I can't believe they're acting like this. Fuck.

I love you. I love you so much. You're a really good person and you're going to be a great uncle, and your parents are fucking garbage.

Call me back, okay? I love you. I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey... can't sleep. Have gone for a walk again. Hoping to see my possum friends at the park again. I even bought an apple to share with them.

Thank you for calling back until I finally noticed, today. It helped a lot to hear your voice for a while.

[Sigh] I don't know what to do, Kane. I feel like I'm tearing my family apart. Like, if my parents don't want anything to do with me any more, then fine, I can deal with that. But... I love Maggie, and I love Brad, and I'm starting to get really excited about being an uncle, and... I just...

Why is this happening now? We all managed to keep the peace for years. I didn't talk to my parents, and they didn't talk to me. I would come visit Maggie and Brad a couple of times a year and we'd chat on the phone sometimes, and that was all fine. Why is it all falling apart now?

I mean... I do know why. It's the kid. I can't not know why. Mum keeps banging on about how if I'm allowed near the child I'll corrupt them. She doesn't even want me in the room with Maggie while she's pregnant, which I do not understand at all. Does she think I radiate gay? I mean, I do, but... it's not real radiation, the baby's not going to catch gay by being around me.

Even if they did though... who cares? Being gay is great. If I wasn't gay I wouldn't have you. I wouldn't have the bar. I wouldn't have all my friends. Being gay is fucking awesome.

[Sigh] I don't understand, Kane. I don't understand why they're like this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to ruin things for Maggie and her family. I just... I don't know what to do. Maybe I should stop seeing them like my parents want. I don't know.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Serious] Jason... listen to me.

You're not tearing your family apart. Your parents are the ones doing that. They are literally trying to pry you away from your sister and your family. They are trying to oust you from your place in that family.

You are not to blame here. They are. Don't let them push you away from Maggie. Don't let them keep you away from the family that loves you.

Maggie doesn't even want that. Remember what she said the last time your parents were shitty? She said "don't you dare stay away". You're not an unwanted part of her family, Jason. She doesn't want you to be broken off from her.

You're not tearing the family apart. And don't you let them tear your family apart either. Okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Internal train noises]

JASON: Hey babe. Train just pulled out of the station, so I'm officially on my way home.

It's going to be so fucking good to be home. I really need some comfort after this hellscape of a weekend.

And uh... you're right, by the way. I talked to Maggie and Brad this morning about it all, and I mentioned that if it would be easier, I could stop seeing them... Maggie started ranting about how I better fucking not do that, and Brad started crying and grabbed hold of me in this fucking inescapable bear hug. That dude is strong, by the way.

So... yeah. Not going to stop seeing them. Not going to disappear from their lives. Our parents are just going to have to fucking deal with it, I guess. Because I'm pretty sure at this point, even if I wanted to stop seeing Maggie, if she doesn't hear from me again soon she's going to send a fucking private eye after me.

Thank you. I really... I really was ready to just make the sacrifice and not see them any more. I don't want to make life harder for that kid, you know? But... you're right. I'm not actually the problem. And Maggie and Brad agree with you. So... my parents are just gonna have to fucking suffer.

I gotta say though... it was kind of amazing watching Maggie go off at our mother. She never used to get defensive of me like this. When she called, weeks and weeks ago, to apologise for not standing up for me? I thought it was a lovely sentiment. I didn't realize... how much she really regretted it. Because it's like she's making up for lost time, now.

[Sigh] Ah, I love you. I love you so much. And oh god, I can't wait to be home with my queer family. Because I gotta tell you, all these straight people and their drama is exhausting.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sad, sombre] It's another sad week, baby. Another one of my friends passed away. The same one I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, when I said we weren't sure how much longer he had left.

It's so... exhausting, and heartbreaking, to watch people fall like flies. And I've been lucky, I've only known a few that have died so far, but... it's still too many. It's still too many.

I keep wondering, who's next? Is it the man I'm cooking soup for? Is it the person I'm bathing? How many funerals will I attend before the year is out?

And... I'm not just sad, I'm angry. This friend, the one who passed... I was the one to call his parents when he was ill. They refused to come see him, because he's gay. Then when he died... I called them again, to tell them. [Disgusted] And they didn't care. [Angry] They didn't care about their own child!

How can someone be so heartless? How could you have a child and not wail in sorrow upon hearing that they've died? How could you not be wracked with pain, knowing you outlived your child?

[Tightly strung] Baby, you're not even here yet, and I already... the knowledge that it is entirely possible that you might die before I do is so painful to contemplate, I can hardly breathe when I consider it. I don't understand how these people can be so cold.

I can't promise much in life, my sweet baby, but I can promise you that I will never abandon you like these cruel people have abandoned their children. You'll always have me.

Even when I die, I promise, I'll find some way to still be with you. You'll never live without knowing my love. I swear to you.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 92 - Tell Them

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Train station noises]

JASON: Ugh, my train's running late. I could have slept in for another half hourrrrr. Ugh!

I miss you. I don't wanna go to the stupid country. I don't wanna go to the stupid baby shower. I mean, I'm going to go back when the kid is born, why do I have to go for this part?

[Sigh] I shouldn't be so mean about this. Maggie wants me to go, so... I'll go. I wish you were coming with me, though.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, you'll be fine. You'll have a nice time, you'll get to hang out with your family, you'll play stupid party games, and you'll be home again before you know it.

I love you. And you can always call me if you get too bored, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: Hey. I'm having trouble making a decision, so I thought... maybe it would help to talk it out a little. I hope that's okay. Normally I'd talk to Jason about it, but... well, he's visiting his sister, and if I recall correctly, Michael doesn't know about magic.

I don't know whether to try and tell CJ about the magic or not. I mean... previously it was a no brainer, because it didn't feel like my secret to share. But now... I mean, if I can affect them with it, it seems only right to tell them about it.

But... I don't know how they'll take it. I mean... Helen doesn't even believe she can do it, and she can. And... Julie talked about her partner not believing her, and...

[Exhale] I'm already a mess, you know? I'm already... I-I jump at shadows, I struggle to go outside. And while I'm getting better with Nerys's help, I'm still almost always afraid.

What if this is just... [Shaky sigh] What if this is the last straw? What if I tell CJ about this, and they go, "that's it, Ricardo's too crazy, I don't want to deal with this shit any more"?

[Vulnerable] I don't want to lose them, Kane. I love them, and I just... I don't want to lose them.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Gently but firmly] Hey, Ricardo. Listen.

Tell CJ.

It's clearly hurting you to not tell them, and I really, honestly doubt they're gonna break up with you for this, even if they don't believe you.

If you want moral support while you do it, let me know when you get up. I can be there.

Don't let this eat at you, Ricardo. Life is too short for that. I know you trust them, and I do too. Don't hold back. Let them in. Give them a chance to be good about this for you.

[Laughs] God, listen to me. I remember... I used to feel the same way about Jason. The idea that I'm now trying to convince someone else that it's okay to be vulnerable... well. Life sure has a funny way of cycling back on itself, I guess.

But seriously, Ricardo. Tell them. It'll be okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Anxious] CJ, hi, it's... it's me.

I... need to tell you something. It's not bad or anything, so... don't worry about that. It's just... it's strange, and it's complicated, and it's something I think I'd be better off telling you in person. Do you think you could come around later?

I... I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: Hey, sure thing, I'll come by after work. I'm gonna bring a treat for Dognerys, too, okay? I pass a pet barn on the way anyway.

And I love you too, Ricardo.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Happy] Hey, Kane... I just wanted to let you know... you were right. Everything is fine.

Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Conversationally] Hey baby. Sorry I forgot to record something for you last week. Pregnancy brain.

I've been so foggy and forgetful lately. Thankfully I haven't forgotten anything important or messed anything up. It's just been little stuff like forgetting I already got a glass of water and going to get another one, things like that.

I went back to the beach today. I tried to make the weird ghost thing happen again, but... nope. Nothin'. I still can't figure out what I did or didn't do that made it happen. It's starting to frustrate me a little bit. I'm sure I'll stumble on the answer again at some point, but... in the meantime, it's annoying.

[Perking up] But, I did at least enjoy my time at the beach. I even went paddling, which was a bit silly of me, because the water was freezing. But... I don't know, it was kind of nice in a way. Bracing, or whatever silly nonsense people say when they forget to take their jacket somewhere.

There's something about St Kilda beach that just feels like home. I don't know what it is. It's not like I was born here, and... it's not even like I've spent most of my life here. I've only been in this area for about... oh, five years or so? But... despite that, I still really feel like this is home.

When I'm here, I feel... you know how trees grow their roots down? That's kind of how I feel standing on the shoreline. Like I have roots here. Like there's some part of me that drives all the way down through the sand, all the way to the centre of the Earth. And those roots wrap around the Earth's core, and the heat from there... it travels back up and trickles into me.

[Laughs] Maybe that's why I don't mind the cold water. The Earth keeps me warm and safe.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 91 - Mini Episode 3 (Star and Sun)

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Recording Beep]

[BACKGROUND FX: Crowd Ambience]

STORM: Okay, is it recording?

JASON: Yeah girl, it's recording. Get on up there.

STORM: Okay!

[SFX: Microphone Bumps]

Hello, excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention please?

[SFX: Crowd Quietens]

Thank you! My name is Storm, and I have something special to perform tonight.

You see, I wrote a love song. I wrote it for the two most beautiful women I know. My gorgeous girlfriends, Helen and Mira. That's them up the back there, near the lights - yes, that's them!

[SFX: Crowd applauds, then quietens for song]

[MUSIC: Song plays]

Lost in the dark of night
Searching for my only light
And just when I fail this fight
You come alight to set things right

You are my beacon bright
My Northern Star, my deep delight
I've found love right in your eyes
Be with me tonight

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

Out in the light of day
A sunny path to mark my way
And when stress leads me astray
With too much work you let me play

And even when the skies are grey
You're effervescent anyway
I've found love right in your smile
Be with me today

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

Sunshine and starry skies
A gentle breeze along with twilight
Rainbows and satellites
Puffs of clouds around the moonlight

Sunset to sunrise
Break of day to fall of night
My devotion is catalyzed
Our future's looking bright

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling...

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

[MUSIC: Song ends]

[SFX: Crowd applause]

STORM: Thank you everyone! Mira, Helen, I love you both. You are the most beautiful stars in my sky!

[SFX: Crowd gets louder]

[Recording Beep]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Star and Sun written and performed by James Halloran and Creatrix Tiara. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Eris Barnes.

You can learn more about James and listen to his music via his website, jameshalloranmusic.com.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 90 - Magic Access

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Upset] Hey, Ricardo? Can I come over and see you?

I've had a really shitty day. I came out at work and it went fucking terribly. And everyone's been really intentional about misgendering me all day and I just... [Sigh] Can I come and see you? I could really use a hug.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Slightly frustrated] Hell, Jason, I really wish you were still up. But this will do until I can talk to Kane tomorrow morning.

[Sigh] [Calm] CJ's asleep right now. They're doing a lot better. But... something happened, Jason. Not with them. With me.

We were laying in bed, and I was holding them while they told me about how badly they were treated today. I was stroking their hair, and... all I could think about was how badly I wanted to ease their pain.

[Seriously] And then I felt it, Jason. I felt their hurt and their upset, just as easily as if I could see it or lay my hands on it. It wasn't conceptual. It was... right there. I felt like I could reach inside them and take hold of it.

So... I did.

It was... sticky. Like toffee stretched between us. I pulled and pulled at it, and I saw that as I did, they started breathing easier. They stopped crying. We were able to settle down for the night.

Jason... I don't know what changed, but whatever magic I could feel but not affect before? I can touch it now.

I don't know where this has come from, but I'm sure that with enough time to examine the situation... I'll figure it out.

I want to go over your stories with you again when we can. There has to be something in common between all of us. There has to be some kind of catalyst that makes it possible for us to do this. And clearly mine just got triggered. So perhaps with that knowledge... perhaps we can finally figure out exactly where this comes from.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey. Ricardo said he left you a message last night, so, you've probably already received his big news.

What on earth could have triggered it? Nothing new has happened for him recently. Except Dognerys, I guess, but... I mean, a dog can't trigger this, right? Dogs haven't been involved in anyone else's case, not me, not you, not Helen, not Mumma.

[Sigh] And on top of that, I've been trying to repeat whatever it was that I did the other day that let me see that vision of Mumma.

Which... I mean, I thought it was a ghost when I saw her, but after listening to her tape... it couldn't have been, right? I mean... she saw me too. Ghosts don't see future ghosts, do they?

Ugh, who even knows. Either way, I haven't been able to repeat it. Mostly because I don't know exactly what I did to make it work in the first place.

[Emotional] God, I wish she was still alive. Why the hell didn't she tell me about all this when she was? Why wouldn't she mention it, even once? Why am I only finding out about all this now?

[Sigh] I wish we knew anyone who knew more about this than we do. I'm so tired of trying to figure this out on our own. But... I don't even know where we'd even start looking for someone that we haven't already tried.

I just... god, I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated, and I'm a little bit scared, and I miss my mother.

I just... I need a hug. I might come wake you up a little early today. Sorry in advance.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Absolutely dead tonight. Haven't had a customer for over an hour. I'm looking forward to being able to actually close up in another twenty minutes.

Been passing the time by letting Ricardo experiment with his newfound magic on me. I have had some very impressive mood swings in the past half hour, let me tell you.

He's tired now though. Not surprising. Magic's always a little draining to use, and he hasn't got the hang of it yet, so I think he overexerted himself a bit. He headed to bed a few minutes ago, with Nerys sulking her way upstairs after him. [Chuckles] She still hates those stairs.

I have absolutely no idea what switched it on for him either. Or what caused you to see your Mum. Or anything like that. Like honestly, I only have like, half an idea of what's going on at even the best of times, so like... right now? I'm just happy I remember how to serve coffee.

[Sigh] I do wish I had some answers for you, though. I know it's frustrating for you.

But hey, maybe Ricardo will figure it out. He's a smart guy, and he seems to be very good at putting pieces together. I mean, he already said he has a couple of theories, so... that's something, right?

I love you. I'm sorry this is so confusing and difficult. But at least we're going through it together. I'm along for the whole confusing and terrifying ride.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Determined] I've been practising, baby. With my superpowers. Ever since I had that strange experience at the beach, I've been trying to figure out what I did that caused it. I haven't been able to repeat it, but... I've been improving on all my other skills.

My knotwork is getting better. Both literally and metaphysically. I can pull stronger feelings into it, and the effects are lasting longer. They're still not super powerful or anything, but I am improving.

I can ease pain with less effort now, and greater effectiveness. It's still draining, but I'm learning how to pace myself.

I can predict the future up to about a half hour in advance. Still not intentionally quite yet, it still just comes on when it wants to, but... that's still an improvement. And I'm starting to notice when it's about to happen, so I think I'll be able to figure out how to bring it on by myself eventually.

[Nervously] I... tried to tell Priya about it. I told her about the beach, and about the pain, and about the precognition. I told her a bit more about what I did when she was mourning, to help her feel better.

[Disappointed] She... did not believe me. Or, well, that's not entirely true - she believes me, in that she thinks I'm telling the truth, but... she thinks I'm imagining it. That it's not real.

I don't really know if there's any way I can convince her. I mean... if someone described all this stuff to me? I'd definitely think they were making it up. So... I don't know what to do about that.

[Thoughtful] It's made me wonder if I should even keep recording these tapes, sometimes. Or if I should be talking to you about this stuff on them.

I mean, what if it's just all some kind of silly pregnancy hallucination? Or what if it goes away, or I decide to never tell you about this stuff? And if I don't tell you, then I can't give you these tapes, can I?

[Sigh] I--I don't know. I guess I've still got time to figure it out, at least.

And in the meantime... I'm going to keep practising. Maybe I can become strong enough with these powers that I can convince Priya... and myself... that they are really truly 100% real.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 89 - Beach Anniversary

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey Mama Jay, don't forget that Michael and I are taking care of the bar tomorrow so you guys can enjoy your anniversary. This is not negotiable. You guys need some time off. We all saw how much better you looked after Kane's birthday. So make some plans, okay? Go have a nice time.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail.

So, I was thinking... maybe tomorrow we could go to the beach again? Because, you're right, we don't go there nearly enough considering how close we are.

And it's... nice. We don't get to feel connected to nature often, being this far into the city. The beach is one of the only places where we can really feel that. That and parks.

And... I think I'd like to feel a bit more connected to nature. I mean... we kind of owe our entire existence to it, you know?

[Yawn] Anyway. I'm sure we'll find a way to sloth around tomorrow.

I love you. See you in the morning.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: It's just past midnight, so you know what that means!

STORM, HELEN, MIRA, RICARDO, and JASON: Happy anniversary!!!

[All laugh, fades back]

JASON: [Laughing] Oh! Oh, poor Dognerys is looking as us like we grew extra heads. Poor thing.

Anyway, I'm just gonna step outside, hang on.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Light traffic]

JASON: Hey, sorry about that. Just feels too weird to leave a serious voicemail with everyone listening. I mean, they'd be fine, but I'd feel self conscious about it. Some stuff is just for you, you know?

Anyway, yeah. Happy anniversary.

Three years! Sometimes it feels like they've flown by faster than I can enjoy them. And like... I am very good at enjoying the moment, so that's saying something.

I sometimes feel like I tell you that I love you too much. Like, I know that I say it all the time, and I worry that it like... loses its meaning, or something.

But then when I think about that for a moment, like... the alternative is not telling you I love you all the time, and that's... unacceptable. The very idea makes my stomach hurt. If it were in any way possible, I would tell you I love you every moment of every day. Because it's so important that you know, Kane. It's so important that you know I love you.

We will definitely go to the beach today. Hey, it's been too long since I've done fish and chips at the beach, so, what do you reckon about that? Ooh, we could get some cakes from Monarch for after! Cakes are good for celebration, right? I'm definitely not just looking for an excuse to get cake from Monarch.

I mean, obviously your cakes are better, but if you're not baking them, then... y'know.

Wake me up whenever you want to head out, okay? Even if it's early. I don't mind waking up early if it's to be with you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean in background]

KANE: [Quietly] Hey, you. Happy anniversary.

I don't think you meant to fall asleep on the beach, but, you know, I'm kind of glad you did. Because it means I get to watch you sleep for a while. Usually I don't get to do that, because if you're sleeping and I'm not, it's usually morning and I need to get ready for work.

You're so beautiful. And so is this. Sitting here, with the ocean just over there, and the wind coming in off the sea. everything just feels so peaceful and wonderful.

JASON: [Off, sleepily] Are you leaving me a voicemail?

KANE: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you!

JASON: [Off] No... no, it's nice. Keep leaving it.

KANE: [Laughs quietly] Okay. Um... I don't know what to say, now that you're awake.

JASON: [Off] Tell me you love me.

KANE: I do love you. I love you more than anything else. I love you so much that I feel like I could be anywhere doing anything, and as long as I had you with me, I'd be happy.

JASON: [Off] I love you too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean noise in background]

JASON: [Tired] There, now it's on speaker, so I don't have to like, hold it. And now I'm the one leaving you a message!

KANE: Oh? And what are you going to tell me?

JASON: Mmm... probably just that I love you.

KANE: [Laughs] I love you too.

[Pause]

KANE: This really feels like home, don't you think? Like, there's something about St Kilda.

JASON: Well, I mean, we do live here...

KANE: No, I know, but I mean... even aside from that. It just feels... I don't know. Maybe it's just that I know Mumma used to come here too. I associate it with my family.

JASON: Could be.

KANE: Do you remember when you were here at night a while ago, and you said that there was something liminal about it?

JASON: Yeah, sure. Beaches always feel a bit liminal to me.

KANE: Me too. I wonder if they actually are?

JASON: What do you mean? Like... you wanna try and summon a ghost or something?

KANE: No, no... not like that. More like... do you think maybe our magic is stronger here?

JASON: Well I mean... there's one way to find out. Try and do some magic.

KANE: Yeah... yeah, okay.

[FX: Just ocean noise for a bit]

JASON: Kane? Kane, are you okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tired, abashed] Hey... I'm sorry again for freaking out at the beach. I just... it felt so real, Jason. It felt so real, and I couldn't... I don't know. [Sigh]

Do you think it was real? Or... do you think I just imagined it? Because... I keep swinging from one position to the other. I have no idea. Maybe these tapes have just... gotten under my skin, you know?

[Sigh] Huh, speaking of which, I just realized, I haven't listened to this week's tape yet. I should do that. Maybe it will help clear the cobwebs out of my head enough to let me sleep.

I love you. I'm sorry our anniversary date ended in a panic attack.

But... I'm glad to have a boyfriend who loves me all the way through my anxiety. Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] I went for a walk today, baby. I went down to the beach.

It was a really nice day, and not too many people were around. I like days like that. I like feeling like the ocean's attention is only on me.

You know, the ocean can sweep away anything. Bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad memories.

I needed that, a little bit. One of my friends... he's getting sicker. We don't know how much longer he'll last. And that's hard. that's hard in a way I hope you never know.

So I went to the beach. And I spent a little while feeling sad for him. Then I spent a little while feeling happy about you.

And then... something strange happened.

I was thinking about you, and... I felt this strange pull. Like the world was still spinning, but I was held still, sinking into the sand. Everything went... blurry. But not real blurry, my eyes still worked perfectly. It was more like... brain blurry.

And then... then I felt this strange twist in my spine, and it was like... there was two of you. One inside me, and one... one outside me.

And the one outside me, he was... grown. He was a man, lying on the beach with another person. I couldn't see him, not really... I couldn't tell you what he looked like. I only... felt his shape. Like some kind of silhouette.

And... I was so sure that he was you. I know that doesn't make sense, but... I'm so sure.

And then... he noticed me. You noticed me.

And then whatever was happening just... stopped. I was back to normal. Standing on the beach by myself, with no strange ghosts surrounding me.

I'm not... I'm not sure what happened. I don't know what the hell that was.

But I think it was real.

Whatever it was... I'm pretty sure that it was real.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Monarch Cakes is a real cake store on Acland Street in St Kilda, where they’ve been serving delicious cakes since 1934. You can learn more about them via their website, monarchcakes.com.au. We highly recommend the Polish Cheesecake and the Kugelhopf.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 88 - Fairy Lights

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey. I've been watching Ricardo trying to learn to relax a bit more with Dognerys, and... I've been thinking, I should be trying to improve, too.

I'm still... I'm still more anxious now than I was pre-hate crimes. Even though I didn't go through what Ricardo or Michael or Helen did, I... well. You know I didn't handle the whole "making people feel hurt and afraid" thing very well.

I'm like... obsessively worried about anyone getting hurt now, even more than I was before. And it's... kind of silly sometimes. I know that.

So I was thinking that something I could work on is the fairy lights. I know Helen and Mira love having them up, but I'm always so worried about them starting a fire that I don't let them stay up for long, and... this is something I can fix. On two fronts.

Victor already pointed out to me that you can get LED fairy lights now, which are much, much less of a fire risk. So that's step one. And step two is... just fucking trying to get over myself. Facing my fear, you know? I've already been sort of working on that, I mean... we put the lights up for Helen's birthday, and I managed to handle that okay. So... clearly I'm capable of getting over this particular thing.

So... I'm going to ask Helen and Mira if they want to go fairy light shopping with me. And then... then we'll put them up. And I'm going to try and learn to like them. Not just accept them, but like... really try to like them. Because they are pretty, and they do look lovely on our back wall. I'm just... never able to appreciate them because I'm always worried so much.

So... yeah. That's today's task, I think.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Tram noises]

KANE: Hey honey! We got fairy lights! We were going to get blue ones, to match the bar stools, but then Helen pointed out blue light isn't great for our circadian rhythms, so... we got some nice warm yellow ones instead.

We're on the tram back now, shouldn't be long. But if we're still not there when you get up, well, that's where we are.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Light traffic]

KANE Hey, so... I just nipped outside for a bit, so I could have some privacy to leave you this message.

Helen can do more than just emotional magic, I think.

We were putting up the fairy lights together, and I was telling her about how my Mum used to tie knots in string and stuff for good luck, and that's why we have the knots on the back of the door. And I was wondering out loud if you could imbue electric cords with good luck the way you can with string and rope.

And... she cheerfully says, "well, let's try!", and then she loops the cord over once before putting it up. And Jason, she... I could feel things changing. I could feel this... warmth and love being bound into the cord. And when it touched itself again on the loop, it was like it snapped into place.

I tried to ask her about it, tried to tell her that it was clear to me that she was doing something magical, but she laughed at me and made a sarcastic comment about being a magical girl. She still doesn't believe she can do this stuff, she just... [Frustrated sigh] I honestly don't know how to show her that what she's doing is very, very real.

[Sigh] I don't know where to go from here with her. But I do know that she did something, because the back of the bar feels different now. Warmer. Safer.

I don't think it's like our wards exactly... while there is an element of drawing people in with our wards, with our beacon, this isn't quite like that. It's not stretching out at all the way our wards do. It's just... contained. To this little space at the back of the bar. Where it's warm and cozy, kind of like an emotional fireplace.

Oh god, fireplace. I wish I hadn't used that example. Now I'm going to be worrying about magic fires. Ugh.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Relaxed] Hey Papa Bear. Thank you again for putting up the fairy lights today. It really does make the whole bar feel more magical, don't you think?

[Laughs] Well, you probably do, I know you seem to think I'm magic too. Which is very sweet of you. You're almost starting to make me believe it.

I love this place so much. And the people in it. I've never felt safe the way I do here. That's the real magic, you know. Having somewhere I feel safe and cared for... I feel like I'm allowed to be vulnerable here without worry.

That's really special, Kane. You've built somewhere very special.

Anyway, I should sleep. Thank you again for the lights. I hope you start to feel as safe around them as I do.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey... hope you're sleeping well. Everyone else has gone to bed too, so it's just me.

The bar definitely feels different. Warmer and cozier as advertised. Tom and Brandon dropped by earlier tonight, and they both commented that the bar feels even nicer than it used to. So... yeah, Helen seems to have built an emotional fireplace out of fairy lights, like you said.

Which is incredibly cool, incidentally. I know it's all a bit anxiety inducing for you, but honestly, our girl did string magic with electronics. She's like some kind of technowitch, that's fucking awesome.

[Laugh] Ah I love you, and the lights look beautiful. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: Well, the ultrasound still says you're a girl, and I'm still 100% sure that it's wrong. I'm not sure why this discrepancy exists, but... well, I guess we'll find out who's right eventually.

I'm pretty sure it's me, though.

Anyway. Priya's been wearing the ribbon I tied for her a lot lately, even to work. She says it helps her feel less fragmented with grief, because it reminds her how much I love her. It's made me wonder what else I can do.

I dug out this old book my mother gave me years ago... it's about macrame. Which is a fancy word for decorative knot tying. I've been going through it, trying to learn a few simple things. Things I can craft as gifts for people without it being suspicious or strange.

I haven't had a chance to experiment that much with it yet, but I have some high hopes. I've already figured out I can pour gentleness and caring for people easily into the cord, and if someone else holds it or wears it, it does calm them and make them feel more comfortable.

It doesn't seem to really take hold until there's a knot or a join in the cord, though. It doesn't have to be a knot, it can just be a loop or something, but there has to be some kind of... closed circuit. It has to be... complete, somehow. Even if I build more onto it later, it has to have some kind of finished foundation. Even a simple one.

I can make cords that soothe pain, like I did for my friend that I told you about a few weeks ago... but the effect seems limited. I can't seem to maintain it for very long if I'm not actually touching the person I'm soothing. And if I am touching them... I wear out quickly.

So... I'm still not sure what all this is or where it's limits are, but... I'm learning.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes. Additional sound effects thanks to Kyle Evans.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 87 - Strawberries and Cream

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey, just a reminder - whatever it is you're planning for my birthday tomorrow, please don't make it too big and loud. I'm an old man with an early bedtime these days, and the idea of having to put a lot of effort into celebrating myself is one of the most exhausting things I've even thought about in recent times.

I love you. Please don't exhaust me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Don't worry baby, I know how to give you what you need. If you know what I mean.

... I mean sex, that was-- that was meant to be sexual.

But yes, I also know your party needs. So don't worry, I promise tomorrow won't exhaust you. It's gonna be fun and easy and relaxing.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Supermarket sounds]

MIRA: Hey Mama Jay, call me back. Helen and I are at the supermarket now picking up last minute things for Kane's birthday cake, and we can't remember if you wanted caramel or ganache for the filling. I know we talked about both, but I can't remember which side we landed on.

Oh also, ask Ricardo if he'll let us put a hat on Dognerys. Because if so, we're gonna buy party hats while we're here.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Hums "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow]

See? Even my midnight happy birthday message is low key and chill!

[Laughs] Happy birthday, babe. I love you, and you're gonna have one hell of a relaxing arse day. Michael and Victor are covering our shifts, so we get to spend the whole day together and not do any work at all.

We're gonna go the beach and eat delicious pastries for breakfast. We're not gonna swim, obviously, because it's fucking cold, but, it will still be lovely to picnic there. And then I've booked you a massage appointment. Yeah, that's right. Hardcore relaxation action.

Then we're gonna come back to the bar for lunch, and you're going to drink a special tea blend that Helen's prepared for you, and open presents and shit. And then, we're going to eat the cake that I promise I had absolutely nothing to do with and was entirely made by Mira, so it will be delicious and edible instead of some sort of cake shaped disaster.

I love you so much and I'm gonna make sure you have a wonderful day. See you at some god awful time of the day because I'm getting up early to make sure I can spend the morning with you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Happy birthday Kane! I hope Jason is treating you to a great day! I'll catch you later!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Cafe ambience]

VICTOR & MICHAEL: Happy birthday Kane!

VICTOR: We've already told you this in person but we know you love voicemails, so we wanted to make sure you got one of those from us too.

MICHAEL: Enjoy your day off! We are taking care of everything here.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: Happy birthday, Kane! I hope our card got to you in time. You'd think mail wouldn't take long just going between Wangaratta and Melbourne, but, well. You know how Australia Post is.

Anyway, I hope you have a great day!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

THULIUM: Happy birthday Kane! Tell Jason to give you a big hug from me, okay? [kiss sound] Mwah!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: Hey Kane, it's Eileen. Happy birthday. I'm stuck at work today so I can't come by and see you, but I'll come around tomorrow with your present. Have a great day!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Quietly] So, just like every other time I've tried to go to sleep at the same time as you, it did not work out. But that's okay. I'm not needed downstairs, and honestly? Sometimes it's nice to just... lie here and be with you.

I won't talk long, I don't want to risk waking you. But I did want to tell you that you are my favourite thing in the world. I love you more than this bar, more than Ricardo's dog, more than anyone else I've ever met. I even love you more than partying.

Happy birthday Kane. The best man I've ever known. The best partner I could ever have.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Affectionately] Hey there, my perfect boyfriend who gave me a perfect birthday. I love you so much. Thank you for everything yesterday. Not only was the day perfect, but I woke up feeling really good today too. Apparently having a truly restful day every now and then is really good for you. Go figure.

And yeah... you're my favourite thing in the world, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: You know... I've been thinking a lot about my childhood since getting these tapes. Remembering things is easier now, like... hearing her voice again makes it easier to remember things I had otherwise forgotten. Some big things, some small things. Some things I'm not even sure if they're real memories or made up ones.

But after yesterday, there's one standing out.

When I was growing up, Mumma and me only had one really clear birthday tradition. Birthday cake was always a vanilla sponge cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Every year.

And... because we never had that type of cake if it wasn't a birthday, it became more special to me than almost any other cake I can think of, because we only had it twice a year. Sometimes a third time if we visited Grandma for her birthday.

When I moved out... I stopped having that as my birthday cake. Even after Mumma died, I still didn't have it. It was something I did with her, not something I did on my own, you know?

But... thinking about it today... I think I'd like to bring that one back. Next year... next year, I want my birthday cake to be that. Vanilla sponge with whipped cream and strawberries. Do you think... could we do that?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: So, I know we already talked about this, but I'm just leaving this message so it's really really super duper confirmed.

Birthday cakes, from now on, will always be sponge cakes with whipped cream and strawberries. For both of us.

Not only because you asked, by the way. I didn't figure this part out until just now, but... I never got a chance to meet your mother. She never got a chance to meet me. We never got to hug and welcome each other into our lives, lives that we would have shared through you.

So... taking part in things she did with you is kind of how I can meet her now. Like... listening to the tapes, I can meet her. Hearing your stories is how I know her. And yeah... eating a cake that was special to her and you, that's how I can welcome her into my life.

I... really wish that I could have met her more directly, but... I mean, death is kind of a one way street. So... I'll take what I can get. And if what I can get is cake and cassettes... then that's still something. They're still pieces that she's left behind. They're still impressions that she left in the world.

And that's... well, that's still something.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: You know baby, sometimes I think I've got our whole relationship planned out perfectly. I know how I'm going to trick you into eating vegetables. I know how I'm going to handle you when you won't stop crying. I know how I'm going to talk to you about sex when you start asking questions.

But then today, my friend Tiffany, she asked me if I was going to do Santa Claus, and I just stared at her slack jawed. I hadn't given that any thought at all.

And then it all started crashing down on me. Oh, sure, it starts fairly simple. Am I going to do Santa? What about the Easter Bunny? What about the Tooth Fairy? Are we even going to celebrate Christmas at all?

[Nervously] Then it gets complicated.

What holidays should we celebrate? I don't really celebrate any at the moment, pretty much only New Years. But... that feels kind of mean to do to a child. Holidays are something kids look forward to. Should I make up some holidays? Should we just go along with the so-called secular ones? Should I let you choose? Or is that far too much choice to give a child?

What about religion? I'm not religious, but Priya is, and so are a lot of my friends. You're going to grow up around religious people. So... how should I raise you in regards to religion? What if you become religious and are upset that I'm not? What if you resent me for not raising you with religion? But then, if I did, what if you resent me for that?

What about birthdays? My idea of a great birthday party right now involves a lot of naked drunk people in a spa! I'm going to have to learn some new kid friendly tricks really quickly. Am I going to have to study to learn how to throw kids parties? Can I buy books on that? Oh god, am I going to have to buy one of those Women's Weekly birthday cake books and learn how to make that cake that looks like a train?

[Sigh] Just when I think I've got it figured out, I realize I don't know a damn thing after all. [Laughs] Well, at least that's in line with everything else I've heard about parenting, I guess.

I don't know if we'll do Santa, kiddo. I don't know a lot of stuff, turns out.

But we'll figure it out. Just because I don't have any of my own kid friendly traditions yet, doesn't mean we can't make some up together. That's half the fun of having a family, right?

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Thulium Rhydderch is voiced by Bismuth. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 86 - The Bar Dog

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Eileen, it's Helen. It was really good to see you today, and thank you again for the journal. I'm still just... I can't believe you bound it yourself, it's so beautiful. Thank you so much. You're really, really talented.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. Don't forget, we're going to go meet some dogs tomorrow morning! I'll be around at about 10 or so, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Tired] Hey CJ... I'm having trouble sleeping again. Although, for once it's not hypervigilance. It's just plain old boring normal anxiety instead.

I know we're all on the same page about the dog - it's a good idea, maybe it will help... but I just keep wondering: what if it doesn't help at all? What if I get a really nice dog, who is sweet and gentle and adorable, and it doesn't help at all? What if I'm still jumping at shadows and having nightmares and being unable to leave my room for the worst of it?

Or what if I get a dog that hates me? That just seems like it would just upset me more.

I don't know. I don't know. I know we just have to see what happens. I'm just... I'm just worried about it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, Ricardo, if the dog you meet today is the right one and you get back before I get up, tell Kane to come and wake me, okay? I wanna meet the dog!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Internal train noises]

CJ: Hey Kane! It's CJ. Ricardo wanted me to let you know - one of the dogs we met today is perfect, and we're bringing her back to the bar now. She's a white greyhound, and she's soooo cute, you're going to love her!

We have decided to call her Dognerys Litterborn of the House Best of Luck!! The First of Her Name, The Unruffled, The Calmer of Souls, Friend to All, Queen of the House and the First Backyard, Khaleesi of the Great Mud Seas, Lady of Dogstone!!!! [FX: Bark]

Or, you know. Nerys for short.

Ricardo is busy holding her and kissing her head, which is why I'm the one calling. So yeah - fill up the water bowl, we're bringing home a very good pup!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. A grumpy bedtime voicemail for you. I really didn't want to come to bed. I wanted to pat the dog some more!

She's such a good dog!! I'm so happy we're going to have her around. I know she's Ricardo's dog and she's here to help him, but it really does work out well that this solution also involves there being a dog that I get to pat every day.

I mean, I'm seriously living my bliss right now. I have a great boyfriend, a great bar, great friends, and now there's a great dog!

Life pretty much can't get any better.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. About to close up. It's been pretty quiet tonight, which is good because I think it made it a bit easier for Dognerys to get used to the place. I mean, she's a super chill dog, so I think she'll probably handle the busy nights just fine, but it's good to know she's not starting out with one, you know?

She is not a fan of the stairs, though. [Laughs] The sad look she gave Ricardo as he tried to coax her upstairs to his room was hilarious. She sort of sulked her way upstairs, it was adorable.

I'm gonna finish up and then step outside for some fresh air before I come to bed, I think. Probably gonna leave you another message in a few minutes. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Cars passing]

JASON: [Reflective] Do you remember, all the way back when we first started dating, I left you a drunk message telling you that we should open a bar together and get a dog? [Laughs] Sometimes dreams do come true, I guess.

Even if the dog isn't technically ours, we still get to pat her, like you said, so I reckon it still counts.

But yeah. I'm living my bliss too, I guess. I know the world is kind of garbage a lot of the time, and it's not even like we don't all have our problems, but... I'm really happy. I'm really happy and peaceful in a way that I never knew I could be, years ago.

You know... when you're a kid, romantic stories always end in "happily ever after", but... we never got to see that bit, you know? So like... I never really understood what that meant. Because how can you conceptualize something you never see?

But with you... with you, I suddenly get it. Because the ever after is actually the really good bit. It's... waking up every day with your best friend, and getting to share stupid jokes, and structuring your life in a way that means every burden is shared, and... yeah. It's just... it's really amazing. It's both way more normal and way more special than I expected.

I love you, and I love our lives, and... I always thought that relationships would get boring when they went on for a long time, but... that hasn't happened at all. It's just become... comfortable, and safe, and normal, and... that's really special in a way I don't quite know how to describe.

I love you. And I love our happily ever after.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Happy] I already feel better. I really, honestly, already feel better.

I was thirsty, so I came downstairs for a drink, and then I talked with Jason for a bit, and he's just stepped outside for a few minutes, and... I wanted to leave you a message before I came back to bed.

When I got up, I looked over at you sleeping, and at Dognerys sleeping on the bed with us, and... I realized, I felt happy, and not terrified.

Whenever I'm awake and you're not, I usually feel terrified. I lie there in the dark and think about all the ways our relationship could go wrong, all the ways you could leave me, all the ways I could hurt you. I wonder if I should break up with you and save you the heartache. I wonder if I should leave and never come back, just save everyone the trouble of having to deal with me.

But tonight... tonight I looked at my bed as I left the room, and I realized that I didn't want to run away. I just wanted to drink my water, and then come back upstairs and go to sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and hug my dog and kiss my partner, and come downstairs to see my friends.

This isn't going to fix me, I know that. I'm still going to have PTSD. Dognerys won't change that. But she'll help. She already is. She's helping dissolve a little of the fear.

CJ, I love you. I love you so deeply and that has always been a part of what terrifies me. But I am healing. I am learning to be less afraid. And that leaves me with more heart to love you than to fear you.

For the first time in a while... I'm really looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Cheerful] I did some more shopping for you, baby!

Priya and I have spent some time getting the nursery ready for you this week. We had a slight argument over colour schemes, but in the end we decided on a lovely pastel lime green that will go wonderfully with our natural pine furniture. Some of which we had to get rid of, actually, to make more room for you.

Also, it means the textiles match the plants. And oh boy, my sweet baby, do we have plants for you. We got... a little excited at the nursery, and we came home with... far more plants than any baby needs. Which, admittedly, is probably any number of plants at all, but sometimes we do things for our kids that are actually for us.

I imagine you don't care about plants and you won't until you're old enough to eat them. And... by then will probably be more interested in eating ones you shouldn't and refusing to eat the ones you should. Fortunately we made sure all the ones we got for you won't hurt you if you do somehow manage to eat them.

But, you know... I just really want you to have plants. I want you to have nice, long living plants, plants that will grow up with you. Because there's something very beautiful about having something grow with you. I mean, that's what life is, really, we're all growing and changing together.

But it can be hard to see the changes when you're going through them. That's why it's good to take a moment to look back, sometimes. To appreciate how far you've come, and gain a little understanding of how much more you will change again in the future.

That's another nice thing about these tapes, I guess. They're a time capsule. This is how things are at this point in time. It will be interesting to see how things grow and change from here.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Dognerys is voiced by Tilly. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Dianna Bell, whose generous donation to RISE Refugees, Survivors and Ex Detainees bought her the opportunity to name Dognerys.

You can also donate to RISE via their website, riserefugee.org. Seeking asylum is not a crime, and mandatory detention must end.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 85 - Helen's Birthday

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Thoughtful] Hey... so, I really wanted to talk to Helen about this, but since it involves her birthday present and I'm not going to ruin the surprise, you're getting a message instead.

I know it's super corny, but I don't have a lot of money, so... I made a scrapbook for her.

[Self consciously] It's not a particularly traditional one, since we don't have a lot of actual paper mementos or anything. It's just like... well, I wrote about how much I love her, and how great she is, and I put stickers in it, and I printed out some of our Instagram selfies together, and... yeah. I don't know. Now I'm looking it over, I'm worried it's kind of stupid.

[Sincerely] But... I mean everything in it. She's so dear to me, and... I don't know. We've become so close over the past few months, and...

I don't know if it's, like... I don't know if it's just platonic any more or if it's a bit romantic, or what, but... whatever it is, I don't even care. I'm just... I'm really glad to have her.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey, Helen's birthday present is on the bed next to you for when you wake up. I know you were worried about me giving it to her without you, so, once again, we will use this method to make sure that doesn't happen. [AMUSED] I imagine we will probably do it again next year, too.

Oh, and since she's not up yet, I'm going to gloat about something. I'm getting over my fear of fairy lights burning the bar down. Mira and I put them up so we can surprise Helen when she comes down today. I hope she likes them.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: Hey Helen, it's Eileen. Happy birthday!

I can't make it to your party tonight, I've got the flu. But I'll come by next week and see you and drop off your present, okay?

Have fun tonight!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: Happy birthday Helen! Victor and I will be coming to help with the party soon. Also, I have a gift for you! I have some beautiful African Violets I've been tending very carefully in preparation for today. I'm sure you will like them. They brighten up the whole room, just like you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Helen, sorry, I only just left work - it's been fucking busy as hell today. But I'm on my way to the Best of Luck now, so save a dance for me, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Muffled music]

KANE: [Tired sigh] Hey honey. I gotta say, I was a little sad to leave the party early, but... well, I gotta get up at my usual early hour tomorrow, so I gotta get my beauty sleep.

I love Helen's birthday. I love the way we all use it as a reason to just... aggressively love on her. We get to tell her how much she means to us, and we can be as sappy or as serious or as over the top as we want, because it's her birthday, and that's okay.

[Yawn] She looked so happy dancing with Storm. I like it when Helen looks happy.

Goodnight. I love you. So much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. We're just finishing up down here. And, yes, we've taken down the fairy lights, just like I promised, so you don't need to worry about that overnight. Although... I guess you'll probably notice that when you get up and don't need to hear it from me, but it feels like I should tell you anyway.

Storm had to head to bed a bit earlier than the rest of us, she'd been awake for something like 20 hours or so by that point, so, damn, fair enough. So she's crashed out in Helen's room.

Everyone else is packing up and heading home, except Helen and Mira, who are sitting up on the back lounge together.

I should probably finish my last couple of things and head to bed myself. I am very much looking forward to snuggling up against you.

Good night, gorgeous.

And yeah. I like it when Helen looks happy, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey Papa Bear, I just wanted to thank you for tonight. It was perfect. And I know the fairy lights make you anxious, so... I appreciate your sacrifice.

Thank you. I'm so glad to be here with you, and Jason, and everyone else.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Sweetly] Hey, my handsome girlfriend. You're sleeping in my bed right now, so I'm leaving you this message to wake up to tomorrow morning.

Storm, thank you for everything. For the necklace, for dancing with me, for coming to see me when you're so tired from work... and for being my girlfriend. Thank you for being my girlfriend.

I'm so, so glad you found your way to this bar and to me, and to Mira. You're so perfect, and wonderful, and... I spend a lot of time hardly believing that someone like you wants to be with me. I love you, I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Lovingly] Mira... I love you. Thank you for the book, and for everything else.

You've become so important to me, I can't imagine my life without you any more.

I sometimes can't tell if I love you like a sister or more romantically, but then I realize... it doesn't matter at all. All that matters is that I love you, and I know you love me too.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: You know, baby, morning sickness is supposed to start wearing off around now. Please don't be one of those babies that makes me sick all pregnancy, okay? Especially if it's going to be a week like this week.

I have done nothing this week, baby. In between throwing up, I have laid in bed and laid on the couch and watched too much boring television. Poor Priya has been looking after me, and I feel terrible about that. She's still hurting so much from her father's passing, and I should be looking after her, instead!

She doesn't mind, but... *I* mind.

I've not always been the best at looking after people. I was very selfish when I was young. I used to be very reckless with people's feelings. I... I regret so many things from back then.

I had so many girlfriends that... well, I used to think that the problems in our relationships were about being monogamous, or about them being in the closet, all kinds of things. But... in hindsight, it's mostly just that I always prioritized my feelings over everyone else's.

I don't do that any more. Or at least, I try my best not to. I'm still human, and I'm still going to make mistakes. But... I'm much better, these days.

It's one of the reasons I'm excited about you. I would never have been able to handle you when I was young. But now? Now I can.

And... well, I'm going to have to try and make sure that you learn to be gentle with people, too.

[Groans] Ugh, baby. Please knock it off with the sickness. It's getting old really fast.

Mumma's gonna go try to have another nap. If she doesn't throw up, first. Oof.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 84 - Ribbons and Ropes

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Tired] Hey babe. Just closed up. Another good night done.

Ricardo is still a bit wobbly. We talked for a long while tonight. No one else was here or left awake, so it was a good time for it.

He's still struggling. We tried to come up with ideas that might help, but I mean... well, the top idea is therapy, but who the fuck can afford therapy?

I mean... [Sigh] I didn't tell him this part, but I thought maybe we could look at our budget and maybe help him out with that sometime? I don't know if we can help much, but... I mean, shit. It'd be good, you know? If he could have someone to talk to who might actually be able to help? As opposed to just us, who... I mean, we all love him, but none of us know how to treat PTSD. We're all just... doing our best.

But the other idea we had, was maybe getting him a dog. I mean... I'm not sure if our lease would let us do that, but... worst case scenario we just... won't tell anyone. Lying about pets in rentals is a time honoured tradition, and it's not like we've ever had an inspection or anything since we moved in.

And... I don't know. I mean, having a dog could help a lot. It might help him feel a bit safer, and it would mean if he has a nightmare and there's no one around to talk to, then he'll still have someone nearby, you know?

Anyway, I realize I should have asked you about this before I talked to him about it, but it pretty much only occurred to me during the conversation. And I mean, it's not set in stone or anything, it's just an idea.

[Sigh] Fuck, I'm tired. I love you. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Jason, you are a genius. A dog is a great idea. I'll talk to Ricardo about that when he gets up. I... will also call the real estate agent and ask about it. [Uncertain] Hopefully it'll be okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Ugh. Real estate agent said no to the dog. What a surprise.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: So... where do you think we stand on magic use and the mundanity rule when it comes to dealing with real estate agents? Because... I was thinking about it, and... I think we can probably luck magic our way into getting them to agree to it.

But... I worry about that. I mean... you know I'm kind of firmly against making people think or do whatever we want. But... we'd definitely do whatever was needed in non magic methods to get them to agree to this, so... where does it fall on the morality scale? I mean, I already asked, and they said no, so... I guess trying to turn that no into a yes probably doesn't pass the test, right?

Ugh. UGH. For the first time, I actually kind of wish we didn't have ethical stances on this stuff.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: So, here's a thing. I was thinking about the real estate situation, and... well, actually, I was thinking about how much I hate real estate agents, but it's related. I realized, we don't actually have to ask the real estate agent's permission to get a dog. We need the landlord's permission to get a dog.

From what you told me about your actual call with the agent today, it doesn't sound like they actually contacted our landlord to ask, they just... assumed it would be a no. So... this might be a way in.

And I mean, I don't think there's anything ethically dodgy about making it more likely that the landlord will actually hear our request rather than just the agent. I'm not even sure it's dodgy to make us a bit more lucky in terms of the actual decision - I mean, people make pet resumes and offer pet bonds and stuff to increase the odds of a yes all the time, right? So... this isn't all that different.

Besides... I really do think a dog would help Ricardo a lot. And I think we should do our best to make it happen. Our actual best.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Okay, so, I had a thought, and I have no idea if it will pan out, but I figured it's worth trying.

I was tidying the kitchen, and I found some string. And I was thinking about the string on the back of our door, and... remembering how Mumma used to tie knots for good luck when I was a kid, and... well, we haven't really experimented with that side of this stuff beyond the wards of the bar. I thought this might be a good opportunity.

So... I braided some string, and I tried to put some luck magic into it. Specifically dog-related luck, or at least, that's what I was aiming for.

I thought about Ricardo, and how much I wanted to help him. How much good a dog could do for him.

And, you know... it felt a lot like what Mumma talked about on her tapes, when she was soothing the pain of her friend. It was like I could feel my emotions flowing down my fingers and into the string. My desire to help. My compassion.

So... then I asked Ricardo if he'd hold onto the string for a while. I explained what I was trying, and he agreed it was worth a try.

We tied it around his wrist like one of those friendship bracelets we made as kids. Remember those?

Anyway. Ricardo is wearing a magic dog string bracelet, is what I'm saying. So I guess... I'm going to try and call the agent again.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Excited] Jason, it worked! I asked the agent to call the landlord and put our request directly to them, and she did, and they said yes! We can get Ricardo a dog!!

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: I'm getting a lot better with my superpowers, or whatever they are. I asked Priya if I could try calming her grief with a little superstition yesterday, and she agreed.

I'm still not... 100% clear on what's happening to me, or where these powers come from, so... I haven't really talked to her much about it yet. I've mentioned the strange things, but... she thinks it's just mother's intuition, like I do. Or did. I'm honestly starting to wonder about that, because... well, things are getting complicated.

So, yes. I asked her if I could try out some superstitions, because I feel like that's a pretty non threatening way to ask if I can try my weird powers on her, right? She said yes, and so... we sat on our bed, and I held her hands.

And it was just like the pain in my friend - I could feel her grief in her mind and her chest. It was so sharp and black and cold. I felt my own body in a different way - I felt this warm pulsing beneath my skin. My love. My concern.

So I tried to sort of... flow that into her, through our hands.

[Touched] And she started crying. But... it wasn't bad crying. It was relief. I wasn't... removing her grief. I was smoothing it. Making it easier to feel. And she... she could feel it better, because it wasn't so overwhelming.

[Relieved] And I was so happy, and so grateful, baby, that I started crying too. I was able to take the jagged edge off her grief, and that... I can't even tell you how happy that made me, to be able to do that for her.

It... stopped, when we stopped holding hands, though. And that was frustrating, because... I want it to last. I want to help her for longer.

So... I found this old ribbon, it fell off a dress I've had for years... and I sat with Priya again, and I tried to flow that warm gentle feeling into the ribbon. Then I tied it around her wrist, and... it worked. It worked! Even when we stopped holding hands, she still felt cradled by me.

[Emotional] I'm so happy, baby. I'm so happy. I don't know where these powers came from, but I am so, so glad that they're here. I can do so much good with this. I can make such a difference.

We're going to do that, baby. You and me. We're going to make a big difference in the world. I know we can. I know we will.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 83 - Just Be There

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Anxious] CJ, it's Ricardo. I... I can't come around tomorrow, I don't think. Or... today, I suppose, technically.

I just... it's a very bad day.

It's four thirty in the morning, and I can't stay asleep longer than half an hour or so at a time. I just keep having nightmares. I dream about being hurt and killed, and then I wake up in a sweat.

I came downstairs, but everyone's asleep. Which of course I understand, but... god, I feel like I am still in a nightmare, sometimes, when this happens. Like I am completely alone. Like no one else is real.

[Sigh] You're real, right? I know you'll be sleeping right now, and that's why you're not answering the phone. It is that, right? It's not that you're not real?

Sorry. Sorry. I just... it's a bad day. It's a bad day. I don't... I don't want to go anywhere today. I don't... feel safe anywhere.

[Sigh] I wish someone was up. I wish I had someone here so I know it's real and I'm not alone.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Gentle] Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. I'm glad you're not answering. Hopefully that means you're getting some more sleep.

It's totally okay that you're not up to coming around today. Would you like me to come by the Best of Luck Bar? We can hang out there instead.

And yes, I'm real, I promise.

And don't be sorry. You went through something horrible. It's normal to still be struggling with the aftermath of that.

[Very Gently] It's okay. I promise. It's okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Weakly] I can't... I can't see you today. I don't want you to see me like this. I'm... I'm really struggling to hold myself together today.

[Upset] I don't know why you're with me. I don't want to hurt you with this. I'm so sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Frustrated] Shit, I'm so sorry I missed your call, I was in the middle of something at work.

[Gently, Lovingly] Ricardo... Ricardo, it's all right. You're not hurting me, I promise. I'm okay, I'm just worried about you.

You're not hurting me by being in pain. Even if you don't feel up to seeing me, that's okay, I get it, I can wait until you feel better.

You let me know when you're ready to see me, okay? I'll wait as long as you need. But you don't need to be feeling good to see me. I'm in a relationship with all of you, Ricardo, not just the fun bits. I don't mind being there for you when it's hard. I like being able to be there for you.

I love you, and I'm not afraid of being hurt by you. It's okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Awkwardly] Okay, so, I just realized that that's the first time I've said "I love you", and that probably wasn't the best situation for it, or the best medium, but, uh, well... it slipped out, and now it's out there.

So I'm sorry for the shitty delivery, but... I still meant it. I do love you. I know I can't fix you, and I know sometimes you need space from me, but I'm not afraid of you and I don't mind being with you when it's hard.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Emotional] I wish I could say I'm not afraid of you, but I am. I'm afraid of you getting tired of me, or getting annoyed at me, or thinking I'm pathetic, or just finding me too much to deal with.

I'm... afraid to tell you how much you mean to me. I'm afraid it will be too much. Just like I'm afraid that I'm too much.

I love you too. And that terrifies me. But... I love you too.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] It's been another rough week, baby. Priya's father passed away. His funeral is today.

That's where she is, actually. I'm home alone at the moment. [Struggling] I... was not able to go with her. Her family doesn't know she's queer, and... this is definitely not the time for that kind of revelation.

[Sigh] I'm doing my best to support her and be here for her. But, well... there's no fast track for grief. You can't zoom someone through healing. It takes time. You can't rush it.

So, I'm just... doing what I can. I hold her when she needs to cry. I cook dinner so she doesn't have to worry about it. I call her work and tell them that she won't be in today. I do the laundry and fluff the pillows on her favourite armchair, so she has somewhere to sit comfortably while she reads for the next few days.

It doesn't feel like much, from this side. But I know it's helping her, even if it's just a little bit.

It can be very hard to be there for someone when you can't give them what they need. But being there at all is the important thing.

She might not remember me doing the laundry in ten years' time, but... she will remember that I was here. And that's... that's what matters the most.

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 82 - Mama Jay

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Victor's still really down this morning. I haven't been soothing him - I asked him if he wanted to be cheered up when he got up, and he said no. He needs to feel his feelings for a while. So... we're giving him some space and letting him do that.

I'm really proud of him, you know? Like... this is an awful thing to go through, but he's handling it really well. Like, obviously he's upset, but... he's handling it.

Still... I wish he didn't have to.

[Sigh] Well, things are good down here otherwise. I love you. See you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Just letting you know Victor's gone home for the night.

He looked okay. Like... not great, but okay. We talked a bit before he left, and he actually got a bit angry, which... honestly? I think is good. It's healthy to get angry when people treat you badly.

Anyway. Still got a couple of hours till closing time. Not a lot of customers though, so it looks like I'm in for a quiet night. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Sad] Hey Jason. Sorry to leave you another voicemail, I imagine you're probably getting a little tired of me. But I can't sleep, and... I keep playing everything over and over again in my head.

I keep wondering... was there something I could have done? Could I have done something to make her realize how wrong she is? How much she's hurting me? Could I have explained myself better? Could I have gotten through to her, somehow?

I keep wondering, and I keep asking, and... the more I do, and the longer I think about it... the more I think the answer is no.

I don't think that she really wants to make peace with me. I think... I think she just wants me to shut up and be whatever she thinks I should be, like, like I'm not a person, like I'm some kind of doll that she can wheel out to impress her friends, or put me in the cupboard if I'm embarrassing.

[Upset, Teary] That... that really hurts, Jason. It hurts more than I thought it would. I thought I was over it. I thought I'd just never speak to my family again. And then... then... then she called me, and she wanted to talk, and I wanted... I wanted it to be real. I wanted her to want me again, and to accept me, and I just... [Sob]

[More composed] I just want my Mum to love me. And... it just hurts so much that doesn't. Even if she thinks she does... she loves someone who doesn't exist. I wish I had a mother that loved me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Victor...

You know, I keep wanting to say, "fuck her, she's garbage! She doesn't deserve you!" and I mean... I do honestly think that, but... unfortunately, I'm also intimately familiar with how you're feeling. It's hard to hate your parents, even when they do horrible things to you.

Maybe she'll come 'round some day. Maybe she won't. It's okay if you don't hate her, but it's also okay if you do. This shit is complicated.

[Sigh] [Perks up] Hey, listen. You know what? You want a mother who loves you and accepts you?

Okay. Fuck her. I'm your mother now.

Okay? I am 100% serious about this. I love you so much and you're my kid now.

You already said it yourself. We're your family. And I love you and accept you completely. So I'm your mother now.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Laughing] Jason, you're a thirty one year old cis man. Not that I don't appreciate it, but people might look at us a little strangely if I start calling you Mum.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Don't argue with your mother when I'm telling you I love you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Sassy] Sorry, mother.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Jason, did I just hear you shouting "I'm your mother now" at someone?

Because if I did, I think we've finally found your nickname. One of your boys - I think it was Tristan? - actually suggested "Mama Jay" a while back, as sort of a partner nickname to Papa Bear for Kane... it was okay, but we were worried that it might come off a bit heteronormative.

But if you're gonna go around telling people you're their mother now, I think maybe you decided it for us. [Laughs]

Hope you like it, Mama Jay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Kane!! I'm a new mother and I finally have a nickname to match yours!!

This is the best day of my life!!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Amused] That was one of the most confusing messages I've ever received from you. You're gonna have to enlighten me on the details of that when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Thoughtfully] You know, mostly people have been pretty good about it, baby, but there are still a few people who have asked me if I'm worried about you growing up without a father.

I'm not worried at all. I don't really have a father, and I'm fine.

I mean... I did have one. But my mother left him when I was still fairly small, and honestly? I thank the universe for that every day.

I think I've mentioned him briefly before, but the short version is that my father was rubbish. He was a rude and selfish man, and he treated my mother very badly.

He tries to make contact with me every few years. I ignore him. Well, not outright - I usually respond, but I just tell him that I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with him.

Maybe he really has changed. Maybe he's a good person now.

But that doesn't change all the times he made my mother cry. That doesn't change all the harm he did. I don't care how much of a good person he might be now, I'm not obligated to give him my time or attention for that.

I do genuinely hope that he's a better person now. I hope he's a kind person who treats his friends and loved ones well. I hope that if he is a better person, that he's found someone to love, and he treats them well too. I truly wish him the best.

But let him have his new life far away from me.

You don't have to love people who hurt you, baby. You don't have to forgive people. It's lovely if you can, it can be very healing for your own sake. But sometimes you don't need it, and that's fine.

You don't have to love or forgive anyone. No one is owed either of those things.

Not even me, by the way. If I ever bring you harm, you can forget me.

I hope you won't. I'll do my best to make sure you don't want or need to. But if it comes to that, then... that's how it is.

The only thing required of you is to do your best to be a kind and respectful person, and try to leave the world in a better place than you found it. That's all.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 81 - Victor's Mum

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Anxious] Hey, Jason, it's Victor. Uh... my mother called me. She... she said she wants to make peace. She wants to get lunch.

I was wondering... would you be okay with coming along? I'd feel better about it if I had you there with me.

I do want to see her, and... I would really like things to get better with my family. I'm just... I'm just scared. And... I'd really like it if you could hold my hand, you know?

[Sigh] Yeah. If you're not okay with it, that's totally fine, I get it. I know you've probably had enough shitty parent drama for a while.

But... yeah. It would really help me a lot. Let me know? Thanks.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Victor, of course I'll go with you. And I'm sure if you want more backup, everyone else here at the bar would be happy to help out too.

You know we love you, Victor. We're here for you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Worried] Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail. I've... got something on my mind.

I'm really worried about Victor and his Mum. I mean... it could be fine, she could be serious about wanting to make up, but I mean... the shit his Dad did...

Plus, I mean, she was at best okay with kicking her son out of home and at worst a main part of that decision. It just... it doesn't feel optimistic, you know? I just... I don't want Victor to get his hopes up for too much, I guess.

But, let's assume the best. Let's assume she's really wanting to make peace.

What if it fails? What if it just opens up more hurt than it heals? I just... I don't want to see Victor go through that. It's been hard enough watching you go through it, thank you very much. I don't want Victor to suffer this shit as well.

[Sigh] Ugh. Hopefully it will be fine and I'll feel really silly about all these worries afterwards. Hopefully she'll be sorry and lunch will be great and Victor will have a renewed connection with his family.

[Quiet sigh] Why does that just... not feel likely?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey hon. Things are a bit tense this morning. Victor's come in early, just to hang out and feel comfortable. He's not due to go meet his Mum until one, but... he's already edgy.

I soothed him a little, and so did Helen. Even if she doesn't know she's doing it. But regardless, it's helping a lot. He looks less jittery than he did twenty minutes ago.

[Sigh] I really hope things go well today. I'm glad you'll be going with him.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[Background SFX: Restaurant hubbub]

JASON: [Angry] Hey. So. We just finished lunch with Victor's mother.

What a fucking shitshow. She didn't want peace. She wanted to sweep everything under the rug. She wanted to act like nothing happened!

Oh, and she still wants Victor to not be gay, so, that alone is kind of a giveaway about how serious she is about making peace, isn't it! She wants him to just be "normal", and if he can't love women, then, quote, "there's nothing wrong with being a permanent bachelor".

She just wants to play happy fucking families and pretend like she didn't boot her child out into the cold because she's a shit mother who can't accept her son being queer.

You'll be pleased to know I didn't actually tell her to go fuck herself, but believe me, it took all of my self control.

[Sigh] Victor's in the bathroom. He's washing his face. There were a lot of tears.

I'm going to bring him back to the Best of Luck when he comes out. If you've got any cupcakes left or something can you put one aside for him? And maybe some of that fancy fruit tea, as well? I think he's going to need a good love up when we get there.

I kind of wish you were here. You're better at comfort than I am. I'm just fucking angry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Cupcakes and tea put aside. Helen and Mira have already claimed the comfiest couch up the back so Victor can have the best spot when he gets here.

[Gently] I know you worry a lot about not being, like, comforting enough? But trust me... that anger you've got is still helpful. There's a lot of comfort in someone else being angry at injustice when we're not able to feel it yet ourselves.

We'll soothe him when he gets here, if that's what he wants. But for now I think it might be good if he can feel your anger on his behalf.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey, Jason. I'm still awake. Can't sleep.

Thanks for letting me crash here tonight. Although, it's kind of weird to be in a different bedroom to the time I stayed with you before. Can't say I mind not having to climb the staircase to get to it, though.

[Sombre] I feel so stupid about today. I thought... I really thought maybe we could work something out. I thought that maybe Dad had calmed down and, maybe Mum had reconsidered her position, or... something. I don't know.

[Sigh] I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I should have known better.

[Brighter] But you know what? Even though it was horrible? Coming back here to the bar, and having everyone here hug me and tell me they love me, and get me tea and hang out with me... and tell me that I'm okay, and I'm normal, and that it's my parents' loss for not wanting me?

That was really... meaningful. And really, almost... magical. It was like stepping through a portal from a shitty world to a perfect one.

Even if my parents don't want me, that's fine. Everyone here wants me. Everyone here loves me. I have more love and support here than I ever did with my blood family.

[Grateful] And I wouldn't have any of that if you hadn't helped me when I first came here. I don't know if I can ever really repay you for that. I know I thank you for taking me in a lot, but... everything a family is supposed to have, I found here. Thanks to you and Kane.

Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Casette Noise]

JULIE: You know, I have no idea if you'll be queer or straight when you grow up, baby. I've told you before, I hope you're queer, but even if not, that's okay.

But the thing is, you're still gonna have a queer mother. So... I'm still going to need to teach you some stuff, even if you end up being straight yourself.

The world can be cold towards queer people. A lot of people think we're not even human. Even a lot of nice people still think that we're unnatural, and not really worth considering as a part of society. But we are, baby, of course we are.

The thing is, even people who don't think that... they still live in a society that does. And we live in that society too. So even if you're not close to the actual mean people, it can still get tiring, sometimes, to exist in a world that hates you.

So here's a secret, from your queer Mumma: you need to find oases.

You need to find pockets of space and time, with people you love and who love you, where everything is okay. You need to find places where you are welcome and valued. You need to find people who are kind to you. And then, you must be kind to them too, and welcome and value them, too.

When you do this, you create bubbles in society. Strong bubbles, that give you air when you're drowning beneath the waves. Bubbles that can raise you up again when you've sunk so low that you can't see the light any more.

These bubbles are very important, and you must tend them gently, and add your air to them whenever you're able. Because that's how we survive in the world, baby. We fight when we need to, and then we rest when we need to, as well.

Find your oasis. And if you can't find one? Cultivate one yourself. All it takes to start one is a single person, making the time and space for kindness, both towards themselves and others. Big bubbles can grow from very small lungs.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by D.L. Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]