Episode 99 - Go Bigger

[Dial tone]


ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.



[Video camera beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean noise]

JASON: Okay, it's recording.

[Dognerys barks]

KANE: Okay, good.

HELEN: So... what now?

RICARDO: Well... I guess that depends on what exactly we're trying to accomplish here.

KANE: Well, I mean... I know what I'm trying to accomplish. I want to try and... connect with my mother again. And the last time it happened, it was here. So...

HELEN: I just want to know what I can do. I want to know what this is and why I can do it, and... what it means for me.

RICARDO: Me too. I want to understand this.

JASON: [Sharp breath] I dunno, I just want you guys to get what you want, I guess.

[Dognerys barks]

RICARDO: [Quietly] Settle down, Nerys.

KANE: [Sigh] Well... if Ricardo is right, and this all comes from love and trust and all that... perhaps that's what we should focus on?

JASON: What do you mean?

KANE: Like... okay, don't laugh at me, but... what if we all, like, held hands and tried to use our magic together, like that?

JASON: That's adorable!

RICARDO: That's a good idea actually. I mean... I don't think any of us have really tried to use magic together like that, have we? Jason?

JASON: No, I don't think so. Kane and I have sort of used magic towards the same goal, but I don't think that's quite what you mean.

KANE: I think he means more like trying to link ourselves together before using magic.

Which... no, I don't think we've done that, not exactly.

Jason and I have sort of... linked up before, with the empathy magic, but we didn't really do anything with it other than just feeling each other, you know?

JASON: Oh right, yeah, I see what you mean. Yeah, we've done that. It's nice. It's like... feeling super connected. It was one of the first things we did with our magic, actually.

KANE: Yeah.

RICARDO: Okay, then... let's try that.

KANE: [Deep breath] Yeah... okay.

JASON: So... let's all hold hands, yeah?

HELEN: Should we make a circle?

KANE: I guess so. Seems thematically appropriate, if nothing else.

JASON: Okay!

[A few moments pass]

HELEN: Okay... now what?

RICARDO: Now... we need to connect. Somehow.

JASON: Well, the way Kane and I do it, we just... think about how we feel about each other, and... how good it feels to be with each other. It's a very "live in the moment" sort of thing, I think.

KANE: Yeah. And... that matches up with Ricardo's theory, as well.

So... let's all think about how much we love each other, I guess.

JASON: And how much we trust each other.

RICARDO: And let's... not be afraid.

JASON: Okay.

[Everyone takes a deep breath]

[Some moments pass]

RICARDO: [Sniffles/gasps] I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I think I broke it.

[Dognerys barks]

HELEN: [Reassuringly] It's okay...

JASON: [Reassuringly] Yeah man, it's okay.

[Dognerys bark-growls]

RICARDO: [Breathes in] Just give me a moment...

KANE: [Reassuringly] It's fine. Hey, why don't we sit down, so Nerys can lay her head on your lap while we do this?

RICARDO: Yeah... yeah, okay, that's a good idea.

[Dognerys moves towards Ricardo]

RICARDO: [Quietly] Come here girl... Yeah. There we go.

JASON: Okay. Let's try this again.

[Moments pass]

HELEN: [Quietly] Oh...

KANE: Are you okay?

HELEN: Yeah.

I... I can feel you all in my head.

It's... it's nice.

RICARDO: Me too.

JASON: Yeah, me too.

KANE: Yeah. I feel it too.


HELEN: I think... I think I can go bigger.

JASON: Bigger?

HELEN: Yeah...

I think I can... reach out further. Beyond us. I feel like... I can expand.

RICARDO: Yeah... I feel like that too.

KANE: I don't feel like I can get bigger, but I do feel like I can get... sharper. Like I can... like I can pinpoint something.

No, not something. Like I can pinpoint her.

JASON: Shall we try and take it further, then? See how far we can push this?

RICARDO: [Certain] Yes.

HELEN: Yeah... I think so.

KANE: Yeah.

JASON: Okay. Let's see what we can do when we put our minds together, huh?

[Time passes, ocean sounds in background]

JASON: [Suddenly, urgently] I have to go!


HELEN: Are you okay?

KANE: What's wrong?

JASON: I can't--I'm sorry, I know I broke it, but - I have to go! I have to... I have to get to Southern Cross so I can get the first Vline of the day. I've only got a bit over an hour to get there in time for that!

I'm sorry, I--I don't know what was happening for you all but - I have to go! It's Maggie - she needs me. I don't even know why yet, I just... I just know that she needs me.

KANE: [Calmly] Okay. Okay, we'll get you there in time. Don't worry. We'll go now.

JASON: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just - I need to go.

RICARDO: [Reassuringly] Jason, it's fine.

HELEN: [Reassuringly] Yeah, it's totally okay. You go be there for your sister.

JASON: Thank you. I'm sorry. I'll--we'll work this out when I get back, I promise. We'll figure this out. I just - I need to get to her.

KANE: [Reassuringly] It's okay. We'll go now. Don't forget your video camera.

JASON: Right. Yes. Sorry.

[Jason walks to camera]

[Video camera beep]


MAGGIE: [Panicking] Jason, it's me. I'm going into labour and I just... I can't do it, Jason. I can't do it.

I don't want to end up like our parents. I don't want to ruin this kid. I don't want to break Brad's heart. I don't want to fuck up any of this! What if this is a stupid mistake? What if if I hurt this kid, or hurt my husband?

No one else understands. Brad's trying to be comforting, but he doesn't understand, Jason, he doesn't know how shitty our parents were. He doesn't know the poison that lives inside me.

I don't know what to do! Maybe I should just run away after I've had the baby? Leave it with Brad? Could I come stay with you if I have to?

[Crying] God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared, Jason. I don't know what to do. Please call me. Please. I just need to hear your voice. I wish I could see you.

Fuck. Please, just... please call me.


[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Serious] I saw you again.

I was at the beach, mid morning. Surrounded by screaming kids and sunbathing adults. And I thought, "oh, there's no way I'll be able to have a moment's peace in this ruckus".

But then a little wave broke over my feet, and... reality broke with it.

The world blurred and distorted again. It got stretched, it got sharpened, it got layered. Everything was so far away and far too close at the same time.

These ghosts appeared, but they weren't like traditional ghosts. They weren't transparent frills floating on air. They were... hypercolour silhouettes. Four of them.

One was a deep, pulsing blue, like ocean currents flowing into each other. Another was a blooming purple, growing steadily upwards and outwards like released butterflies. Another was a soft, rhythmic orange, that throbbed like a heartbeat. That one seemed familiar, like I'd seen it somewhere before.

And then there was one that a deep brown and brilliant white, twisted together like a humbug.

And it was you. I knew it was you.

And your attention fell on me, and you asked "is it really you?".

And I heard you--or whatever it's called when you feel words instead of hear them--and even though I haven't met you in your physical form yet... I knew, I knew that you were my child.

But just to be sure... I asked you. I asked you if you were my baby.

And you said yes.

[Emotional] And I started crying. I couldn't-- I couldn't help myself.

I started crying because here you were, this full, complete spirit that radiated kindness and love and protection, and I had made you. I would raise you.

And you felt so warm, and so gentle, and you clearly felt so lovingly towards me. And you seemed content, and safe, and happy, and that's all I could ever dream for you... and there you were, all grown up, fully realized.

[Calming] And then... everything snapped. And you were gone, and so were the other ghosts, and it was just me and screaming children and sunbathing adults again. Back in the normal world.

I'm sure that over the coming days and weeks, I'm going to start second guessing myself. I'm going to start thinking that I made all this up. That I imagined it in my grief. That I let my dreams run away with me.

[Certain] But right now? Right now, I am absolutely, positively, 100% certain that what I experienced was real.

I know what I saw. I know what I felt. And that's why I'm tell you all this, why I'm recording this. Because when I start questioning myself down the track, I want to be able to listen to this and hear the certainty in my voice.

I know I saw you. And I know you saw me.



ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Dognerys is voiced by Tilly. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

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[Music fades out]