Episode 92 - Tell Them

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Train station noises]

JASON: Ugh, my train's running late. I could have slept in for another half hourrrrr. Ugh!

I miss you. I don't wanna go to the stupid country. I don't wanna go to the stupid baby shower. I mean, I'm going to go back when the kid is born, why do I have to go for this part?

[Sigh] I shouldn't be so mean about this. Maggie wants me to go, so... I'll go. I wish you were coming with me, though.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, you'll be fine. You'll have a nice time, you'll get to hang out with your family, you'll play stupid party games, and you'll be home again before you know it.

I love you. And you can always call me if you get too bored, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: Hey. I'm having trouble making a decision, so I thought... maybe it would help to talk it out a little. I hope that's okay. Normally I'd talk to Jason about it, but... well, he's visiting his sister, and if I recall correctly, Michael doesn't know about magic.

I don't know whether to try and tell CJ about the magic or not. I mean... previously it was a no brainer, because it didn't feel like my secret to share. But now... I mean, if I can affect them with it, it seems only right to tell them about it.

But... I don't know how they'll take it. I mean... Helen doesn't even believe she can do it, and she can. And... Julie talked about her partner not believing her, and...

[Exhale] I'm already a mess, you know? I'm already... I-I jump at shadows, I struggle to go outside. And while I'm getting better with Nerys's help, I'm still almost always afraid.

What if this is just... [Shaky sigh] What if this is the last straw? What if I tell CJ about this, and they go, "that's it, Ricardo's too crazy, I don't want to deal with this shit any more"?

[Vulnerable] I don't want to lose them, Kane. I love them, and I just... I don't want to lose them.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Gently but firmly] Hey, Ricardo. Listen.

Tell CJ.

It's clearly hurting you to not tell them, and I really, honestly doubt they're gonna break up with you for this, even if they don't believe you.

If you want moral support while you do it, let me know when you get up. I can be there.

Don't let this eat at you, Ricardo. Life is too short for that. I know you trust them, and I do too. Don't hold back. Let them in. Give them a chance to be good about this for you.

[Laughs] God, listen to me. I remember... I used to feel the same way about Jason. The idea that I'm now trying to convince someone else that it's okay to be vulnerable... well. Life sure has a funny way of cycling back on itself, I guess.

But seriously, Ricardo. Tell them. It'll be okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Anxious] CJ, hi, it's... it's me.

I... need to tell you something. It's not bad or anything, so... don't worry about that. It's just... it's strange, and it's complicated, and it's something I think I'd be better off telling you in person. Do you think you could come around later?

I... I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: Hey, sure thing, I'll come by after work. I'm gonna bring a treat for Dognerys, too, okay? I pass a pet barn on the way anyway.

And I love you too, Ricardo.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Happy] Hey, Kane... I just wanted to let you know... you were right. Everything is fine.

Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Conversationally] Hey baby. Sorry I forgot to record something for you last week. Pregnancy brain.

I've been so foggy and forgetful lately. Thankfully I haven't forgotten anything important or messed anything up. It's just been little stuff like forgetting I already got a glass of water and going to get another one, things like that.

I went back to the beach today. I tried to make the weird ghost thing happen again, but... nope. Nothin'. I still can't figure out what I did or didn't do that made it happen. It's starting to frustrate me a little bit. I'm sure I'll stumble on the answer again at some point, but... in the meantime, it's annoying.

[Perking up] But, I did at least enjoy my time at the beach. I even went paddling, which was a bit silly of me, because the water was freezing. But... I don't know, it was kind of nice in a way. Bracing, or whatever silly nonsense people say when they forget to take their jacket somewhere.

There's something about St Kilda beach that just feels like home. I don't know what it is. It's not like I was born here, and... it's not even like I've spent most of my life here. I've only been in this area for about... oh, five years or so? But... despite that, I still really feel like this is home.

When I'm here, I feel... you know how trees grow their roots down? That's kind of how I feel standing on the shoreline. Like I have roots here. Like there's some part of me that drives all the way down through the sand, all the way to the centre of the Earth. And those roots wrap around the Earth's core, and the heat from there... it travels back up and trickles into me.

[Laughs] Maybe that's why I don't mind the cold water. The Earth keeps me warm and safe.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 91 - Mini Episode 3 (Star and Sun)

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Recording Beep]

[BACKGROUND FX: Crowd Ambience]

STORM: Okay, is it recording?

JASON: Yeah girl, it's recording. Get on up there.

STORM: Okay!

[SFX: Microphone Bumps]

Hello, excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention please?

[SFX: Crowd Quietens]

Thank you! My name is Storm, and I have something special to perform tonight.

You see, I wrote a love song. I wrote it for the two most beautiful women I know. My gorgeous girlfriends, Helen and Mira. That's them up the back there, near the lights - yes, that's them!

[SFX: Crowd applauds, then quietens for song]

[MUSIC: Song plays]

Lost in the dark of night
Searching for my only light
And just when I fail this fight
You come alight to set things right

You are my beacon bright
My Northern Star, my deep delight
I've found love right in your eyes
Be with me tonight

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

Out in the light of day
A sunny path to mark my way
And when stress leads me astray
With too much work you let me play

And even when the skies are grey
You're effervescent anyway
I've found love right in your smile
Be with me today

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

Sunshine and starry skies
A gentle breeze along with twilight
Rainbows and satellites
Puffs of clouds around the moonlight

Sunset to sunrise
Break of day to fall of night
My devotion is catalyzed
Our future's looking bright

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling...

My star and my sun
Little bit of heaven when it's two or just one
Nighttime to daytime my heart's overrun
You're my kind of magic it's true
Baby I'm falling for you

[MUSIC: Song ends]

[SFX: Crowd applause]

STORM: Thank you everyone! Mira, Helen, I love you both. You are the most beautiful stars in my sky!

[SFX: Crowd gets louder]

[Recording Beep]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Star and Sun written and performed by James Halloran and Creatrix Tiara. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Eris Barnes.

You can learn more about James and listen to his music via his website, jameshalloranmusic.com.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 90 - Magic Access

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Upset] Hey, Ricardo? Can I come over and see you?

I've had a really shitty day. I came out at work and it went fucking terribly. And everyone's been really intentional about misgendering me all day and I just... [Sigh] Can I come and see you? I could really use a hug.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Slightly frustrated] Hell, Jason, I really wish you were still up. But this will do until I can talk to Kane tomorrow morning.

[Sigh] [Calm] CJ's asleep right now. They're doing a lot better. But... something happened, Jason. Not with them. With me.

We were laying in bed, and I was holding them while they told me about how badly they were treated today. I was stroking their hair, and... all I could think about was how badly I wanted to ease their pain.

[Seriously] And then I felt it, Jason. I felt their hurt and their upset, just as easily as if I could see it or lay my hands on it. It wasn't conceptual. It was... right there. I felt like I could reach inside them and take hold of it.

So... I did.

It was... sticky. Like toffee stretched between us. I pulled and pulled at it, and I saw that as I did, they started breathing easier. They stopped crying. We were able to settle down for the night.

Jason... I don't know what changed, but whatever magic I could feel but not affect before? I can touch it now.

I don't know where this has come from, but I'm sure that with enough time to examine the situation... I'll figure it out.

I want to go over your stories with you again when we can. There has to be something in common between all of us. There has to be some kind of catalyst that makes it possible for us to do this. And clearly mine just got triggered. So perhaps with that knowledge... perhaps we can finally figure out exactly where this comes from.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey. Ricardo said he left you a message last night, so, you've probably already received his big news.

What on earth could have triggered it? Nothing new has happened for him recently. Except Dognerys, I guess, but... I mean, a dog can't trigger this, right? Dogs haven't been involved in anyone else's case, not me, not you, not Helen, not Mumma.

[Sigh] And on top of that, I've been trying to repeat whatever it was that I did the other day that let me see that vision of Mumma.

Which... I mean, I thought it was a ghost when I saw her, but after listening to her tape... it couldn't have been, right? I mean... she saw me too. Ghosts don't see future ghosts, do they?

Ugh, who even knows. Either way, I haven't been able to repeat it. Mostly because I don't know exactly what I did to make it work in the first place.

[Emotional] God, I wish she was still alive. Why the hell didn't she tell me about all this when she was? Why wouldn't she mention it, even once? Why am I only finding out about all this now?

[Sigh] I wish we knew anyone who knew more about this than we do. I'm so tired of trying to figure this out on our own. But... I don't even know where we'd even start looking for someone that we haven't already tried.

I just... god, I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated, and I'm a little bit scared, and I miss my mother.

I just... I need a hug. I might come wake you up a little early today. Sorry in advance.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Absolutely dead tonight. Haven't had a customer for over an hour. I'm looking forward to being able to actually close up in another twenty minutes.

Been passing the time by letting Ricardo experiment with his newfound magic on me. I have had some very impressive mood swings in the past half hour, let me tell you.

He's tired now though. Not surprising. Magic's always a little draining to use, and he hasn't got the hang of it yet, so I think he overexerted himself a bit. He headed to bed a few minutes ago, with Nerys sulking her way upstairs after him. [Chuckles] She still hates those stairs.

I have absolutely no idea what switched it on for him either. Or what caused you to see your Mum. Or anything like that. Like honestly, I only have like, half an idea of what's going on at even the best of times, so like... right now? I'm just happy I remember how to serve coffee.

[Sigh] I do wish I had some answers for you, though. I know it's frustrating for you.

But hey, maybe Ricardo will figure it out. He's a smart guy, and he seems to be very good at putting pieces together. I mean, he already said he has a couple of theories, so... that's something, right?

I love you. I'm sorry this is so confusing and difficult. But at least we're going through it together. I'm along for the whole confusing and terrifying ride.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Determined] I've been practising, baby. With my superpowers. Ever since I had that strange experience at the beach, I've been trying to figure out what I did that caused it. I haven't been able to repeat it, but... I've been improving on all my other skills.

My knotwork is getting better. Both literally and metaphysically. I can pull stronger feelings into it, and the effects are lasting longer. They're still not super powerful or anything, but I am improving.

I can ease pain with less effort now, and greater effectiveness. It's still draining, but I'm learning how to pace myself.

I can predict the future up to about a half hour in advance. Still not intentionally quite yet, it still just comes on when it wants to, but... that's still an improvement. And I'm starting to notice when it's about to happen, so I think I'll be able to figure out how to bring it on by myself eventually.

[Nervously] I... tried to tell Priya about it. I told her about the beach, and about the pain, and about the precognition. I told her a bit more about what I did when she was mourning, to help her feel better.

[Disappointed] She... did not believe me. Or, well, that's not entirely true - she believes me, in that she thinks I'm telling the truth, but... she thinks I'm imagining it. That it's not real.

I don't really know if there's any way I can convince her. I mean... if someone described all this stuff to me? I'd definitely think they were making it up. So... I don't know what to do about that.

[Thoughtful] It's made me wonder if I should even keep recording these tapes, sometimes. Or if I should be talking to you about this stuff on them.

I mean, what if it's just all some kind of silly pregnancy hallucination? Or what if it goes away, or I decide to never tell you about this stuff? And if I don't tell you, then I can't give you these tapes, can I?

[Sigh] I--I don't know. I guess I've still got time to figure it out, at least.

And in the meantime... I'm going to keep practising. Maybe I can become strong enough with these powers that I can convince Priya... and myself... that they are really truly 100% real.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 89 - Beach Anniversary

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey Mama Jay, don't forget that Michael and I are taking care of the bar tomorrow so you guys can enjoy your anniversary. This is not negotiable. You guys need some time off. We all saw how much better you looked after Kane's birthday. So make some plans, okay? Go have a nice time.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail.

So, I was thinking... maybe tomorrow we could go to the beach again? Because, you're right, we don't go there nearly enough considering how close we are.

And it's... nice. We don't get to feel connected to nature often, being this far into the city. The beach is one of the only places where we can really feel that. That and parks.

And... I think I'd like to feel a bit more connected to nature. I mean... we kind of owe our entire existence to it, you know?

[Yawn] Anyway. I'm sure we'll find a way to sloth around tomorrow.

I love you. See you in the morning.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: It's just past midnight, so you know what that means!

STORM, HELEN, MIRA, RICARDO, and JASON: Happy anniversary!!!

[All laugh, fades back]

JASON: [Laughing] Oh! Oh, poor Dognerys is looking as us like we grew extra heads. Poor thing.

Anyway, I'm just gonna step outside, hang on.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Light traffic]

JASON: Hey, sorry about that. Just feels too weird to leave a serious voicemail with everyone listening. I mean, they'd be fine, but I'd feel self conscious about it. Some stuff is just for you, you know?

Anyway, yeah. Happy anniversary.

Three years! Sometimes it feels like they've flown by faster than I can enjoy them. And like... I am very good at enjoying the moment, so that's saying something.

I sometimes feel like I tell you that I love you too much. Like, I know that I say it all the time, and I worry that it like... loses its meaning, or something.

But then when I think about that for a moment, like... the alternative is not telling you I love you all the time, and that's... unacceptable. The very idea makes my stomach hurt. If it were in any way possible, I would tell you I love you every moment of every day. Because it's so important that you know, Kane. It's so important that you know I love you.

We will definitely go to the beach today. Hey, it's been too long since I've done fish and chips at the beach, so, what do you reckon about that? Ooh, we could get some cakes from Monarch for after! Cakes are good for celebration, right? I'm definitely not just looking for an excuse to get cake from Monarch.

I mean, obviously your cakes are better, but if you're not baking them, then... y'know.

Wake me up whenever you want to head out, okay? Even if it's early. I don't mind waking up early if it's to be with you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean in background]

KANE: [Quietly] Hey, you. Happy anniversary.

I don't think you meant to fall asleep on the beach, but, you know, I'm kind of glad you did. Because it means I get to watch you sleep for a while. Usually I don't get to do that, because if you're sleeping and I'm not, it's usually morning and I need to get ready for work.

You're so beautiful. And so is this. Sitting here, with the ocean just over there, and the wind coming in off the sea. everything just feels so peaceful and wonderful.

JASON: [Off, sleepily] Are you leaving me a voicemail?

KANE: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you!

JASON: [Off] No... no, it's nice. Keep leaving it.

KANE: [Laughs quietly] Okay. Um... I don't know what to say, now that you're awake.

JASON: [Off] Tell me you love me.

KANE: I do love you. I love you more than anything else. I love you so much that I feel like I could be anywhere doing anything, and as long as I had you with me, I'd be happy.

JASON: [Off] I love you too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Ocean noise in background]

JASON: [Tired] There, now it's on speaker, so I don't have to like, hold it. And now I'm the one leaving you a message!

KANE: Oh? And what are you going to tell me?

JASON: Mmm... probably just that I love you.

KANE: [Laughs] I love you too.

[Pause]

KANE: This really feels like home, don't you think? Like, there's something about St Kilda.

JASON: Well, I mean, we do live here...

KANE: No, I know, but I mean... even aside from that. It just feels... I don't know. Maybe it's just that I know Mumma used to come here too. I associate it with my family.

JASON: Could be.

KANE: Do you remember when you were here at night a while ago, and you said that there was something liminal about it?

JASON: Yeah, sure. Beaches always feel a bit liminal to me.

KANE: Me too. I wonder if they actually are?

JASON: What do you mean? Like... you wanna try and summon a ghost or something?

KANE: No, no... not like that. More like... do you think maybe our magic is stronger here?

JASON: Well I mean... there's one way to find out. Try and do some magic.

KANE: Yeah... yeah, okay.

[FX: Just ocean noise for a bit]

JASON: Kane? Kane, are you okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tired, abashed] Hey... I'm sorry again for freaking out at the beach. I just... it felt so real, Jason. It felt so real, and I couldn't... I don't know. [Sigh]

Do you think it was real? Or... do you think I just imagined it? Because... I keep swinging from one position to the other. I have no idea. Maybe these tapes have just... gotten under my skin, you know?

[Sigh] Huh, speaking of which, I just realized, I haven't listened to this week's tape yet. I should do that. Maybe it will help clear the cobwebs out of my head enough to let me sleep.

I love you. I'm sorry our anniversary date ended in a panic attack.

But... I'm glad to have a boyfriend who loves me all the way through my anxiety. Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] I went for a walk today, baby. I went down to the beach.

It was a really nice day, and not too many people were around. I like days like that. I like feeling like the ocean's attention is only on me.

You know, the ocean can sweep away anything. Bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad memories.

I needed that, a little bit. One of my friends... he's getting sicker. We don't know how much longer he'll last. And that's hard. that's hard in a way I hope you never know.

So I went to the beach. And I spent a little while feeling sad for him. Then I spent a little while feeling happy about you.

And then... something strange happened.

I was thinking about you, and... I felt this strange pull. Like the world was still spinning, but I was held still, sinking into the sand. Everything went... blurry. But not real blurry, my eyes still worked perfectly. It was more like... brain blurry.

And then... then I felt this strange twist in my spine, and it was like... there was two of you. One inside me, and one... one outside me.

And the one outside me, he was... grown. He was a man, lying on the beach with another person. I couldn't see him, not really... I couldn't tell you what he looked like. I only... felt his shape. Like some kind of silhouette.

And... I was so sure that he was you. I know that doesn't make sense, but... I'm so sure.

And then... he noticed me. You noticed me.

And then whatever was happening just... stopped. I was back to normal. Standing on the beach by myself, with no strange ghosts surrounding me.

I'm not... I'm not sure what happened. I don't know what the hell that was.

But I think it was real.

Whatever it was... I'm pretty sure that it was real.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Monarch Cakes is a real cake store on Acland Street in St Kilda, where they’ve been serving delicious cakes since 1934. You can learn more about them via their website, monarchcakes.com.au. We highly recommend the Polish Cheesecake and the Kugelhopf.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 88 - Fairy Lights

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey. I've been watching Ricardo trying to learn to relax a bit more with Dognerys, and... I've been thinking, I should be trying to improve, too.

I'm still... I'm still more anxious now than I was pre-hate crimes. Even though I didn't go through what Ricardo or Michael or Helen did, I... well. You know I didn't handle the whole "making people feel hurt and afraid" thing very well.

I'm like... obsessively worried about anyone getting hurt now, even more than I was before. And it's... kind of silly sometimes. I know that.

So I was thinking that something I could work on is the fairy lights. I know Helen and Mira love having them up, but I'm always so worried about them starting a fire that I don't let them stay up for long, and... this is something I can fix. On two fronts.

Victor already pointed out to me that you can get LED fairy lights now, which are much, much less of a fire risk. So that's step one. And step two is... just fucking trying to get over myself. Facing my fear, you know? I've already been sort of working on that, I mean... we put the lights up for Helen's birthday, and I managed to handle that okay. So... clearly I'm capable of getting over this particular thing.

So... I'm going to ask Helen and Mira if they want to go fairy light shopping with me. And then... then we'll put them up. And I'm going to try and learn to like them. Not just accept them, but like... really try to like them. Because they are pretty, and they do look lovely on our back wall. I'm just... never able to appreciate them because I'm always worried so much.

So... yeah. That's today's task, I think.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Tram noises]

KANE: Hey honey! We got fairy lights! We were going to get blue ones, to match the bar stools, but then Helen pointed out blue light isn't great for our circadian rhythms, so... we got some nice warm yellow ones instead.

We're on the tram back now, shouldn't be long. But if we're still not there when you get up, well, that's where we are.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Light traffic]

KANE Hey, so... I just nipped outside for a bit, so I could have some privacy to leave you this message.

Helen can do more than just emotional magic, I think.

We were putting up the fairy lights together, and I was telling her about how my Mum used to tie knots in string and stuff for good luck, and that's why we have the knots on the back of the door. And I was wondering out loud if you could imbue electric cords with good luck the way you can with string and rope.

And... she cheerfully says, "well, let's try!", and then she loops the cord over once before putting it up. And Jason, she... I could feel things changing. I could feel this... warmth and love being bound into the cord. And when it touched itself again on the loop, it was like it snapped into place.

I tried to ask her about it, tried to tell her that it was clear to me that she was doing something magical, but she laughed at me and made a sarcastic comment about being a magical girl. She still doesn't believe she can do this stuff, she just... [Frustrated sigh] I honestly don't know how to show her that what she's doing is very, very real.

[Sigh] I don't know where to go from here with her. But I do know that she did something, because the back of the bar feels different now. Warmer. Safer.

I don't think it's like our wards exactly... while there is an element of drawing people in with our wards, with our beacon, this isn't quite like that. It's not stretching out at all the way our wards do. It's just... contained. To this little space at the back of the bar. Where it's warm and cozy, kind of like an emotional fireplace.

Oh god, fireplace. I wish I hadn't used that example. Now I'm going to be worrying about magic fires. Ugh.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Relaxed] Hey Papa Bear. Thank you again for putting up the fairy lights today. It really does make the whole bar feel more magical, don't you think?

[Laughs] Well, you probably do, I know you seem to think I'm magic too. Which is very sweet of you. You're almost starting to make me believe it.

I love this place so much. And the people in it. I've never felt safe the way I do here. That's the real magic, you know. Having somewhere I feel safe and cared for... I feel like I'm allowed to be vulnerable here without worry.

That's really special, Kane. You've built somewhere very special.

Anyway, I should sleep. Thank you again for the lights. I hope you start to feel as safe around them as I do.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey... hope you're sleeping well. Everyone else has gone to bed too, so it's just me.

The bar definitely feels different. Warmer and cozier as advertised. Tom and Brandon dropped by earlier tonight, and they both commented that the bar feels even nicer than it used to. So... yeah, Helen seems to have built an emotional fireplace out of fairy lights, like you said.

Which is incredibly cool, incidentally. I know it's all a bit anxiety inducing for you, but honestly, our girl did string magic with electronics. She's like some kind of technowitch, that's fucking awesome.

[Laugh] Ah I love you, and the lights look beautiful. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: Well, the ultrasound still says you're a girl, and I'm still 100% sure that it's wrong. I'm not sure why this discrepancy exists, but... well, I guess we'll find out who's right eventually.

I'm pretty sure it's me, though.

Anyway. Priya's been wearing the ribbon I tied for her a lot lately, even to work. She says it helps her feel less fragmented with grief, because it reminds her how much I love her. It's made me wonder what else I can do.

I dug out this old book my mother gave me years ago... it's about macrame. Which is a fancy word for decorative knot tying. I've been going through it, trying to learn a few simple things. Things I can craft as gifts for people without it being suspicious or strange.

I haven't had a chance to experiment that much with it yet, but I have some high hopes. I've already figured out I can pour gentleness and caring for people easily into the cord, and if someone else holds it or wears it, it does calm them and make them feel more comfortable.

It doesn't seem to really take hold until there's a knot or a join in the cord, though. It doesn't have to be a knot, it can just be a loop or something, but there has to be some kind of... closed circuit. It has to be... complete, somehow. Even if I build more onto it later, it has to have some kind of finished foundation. Even a simple one.

I can make cords that soothe pain, like I did for my friend that I told you about a few weeks ago... but the effect seems limited. I can't seem to maintain it for very long if I'm not actually touching the person I'm soothing. And if I am touching them... I wear out quickly.

So... I'm still not sure what all this is or where it's limits are, but... I'm learning.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes. Additional sound effects thanks to Kyle Evans.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 87 - Strawberries and Cream

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey, just a reminder - whatever it is you're planning for my birthday tomorrow, please don't make it too big and loud. I'm an old man with an early bedtime these days, and the idea of having to put a lot of effort into celebrating myself is one of the most exhausting things I've even thought about in recent times.

I love you. Please don't exhaust me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Don't worry baby, I know how to give you what you need. If you know what I mean.

... I mean sex, that was-- that was meant to be sexual.

But yes, I also know your party needs. So don't worry, I promise tomorrow won't exhaust you. It's gonna be fun and easy and relaxing.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Supermarket sounds]

MIRA: Hey Mama Jay, call me back. Helen and I are at the supermarket now picking up last minute things for Kane's birthday cake, and we can't remember if you wanted caramel or ganache for the filling. I know we talked about both, but I can't remember which side we landed on.

Oh also, ask Ricardo if he'll let us put a hat on Dognerys. Because if so, we're gonna buy party hats while we're here.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Hums "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow]

See? Even my midnight happy birthday message is low key and chill!

[Laughs] Happy birthday, babe. I love you, and you're gonna have one hell of a relaxing arse day. Michael and Victor are covering our shifts, so we get to spend the whole day together and not do any work at all.

We're gonna go the beach and eat delicious pastries for breakfast. We're not gonna swim, obviously, because it's fucking cold, but, it will still be lovely to picnic there. And then I've booked you a massage appointment. Yeah, that's right. Hardcore relaxation action.

Then we're gonna come back to the bar for lunch, and you're going to drink a special tea blend that Helen's prepared for you, and open presents and shit. And then, we're going to eat the cake that I promise I had absolutely nothing to do with and was entirely made by Mira, so it will be delicious and edible instead of some sort of cake shaped disaster.

I love you so much and I'm gonna make sure you have a wonderful day. See you at some god awful time of the day because I'm getting up early to make sure I can spend the morning with you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Happy birthday Kane! I hope Jason is treating you to a great day! I'll catch you later!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG SFX: Cafe ambience]

VICTOR & MICHAEL: Happy birthday Kane!

VICTOR: We've already told you this in person but we know you love voicemails, so we wanted to make sure you got one of those from us too.

MICHAEL: Enjoy your day off! We are taking care of everything here.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: Happy birthday, Kane! I hope our card got to you in time. You'd think mail wouldn't take long just going between Wangaratta and Melbourne, but, well. You know how Australia Post is.

Anyway, I hope you have a great day!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

THULIUM: Happy birthday Kane! Tell Jason to give you a big hug from me, okay? [kiss sound] Mwah!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: Hey Kane, it's Eileen. Happy birthday. I'm stuck at work today so I can't come by and see you, but I'll come around tomorrow with your present. Have a great day!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Quietly] So, just like every other time I've tried to go to sleep at the same time as you, it did not work out. But that's okay. I'm not needed downstairs, and honestly? Sometimes it's nice to just... lie here and be with you.

I won't talk long, I don't want to risk waking you. But I did want to tell you that you are my favourite thing in the world. I love you more than this bar, more than Ricardo's dog, more than anyone else I've ever met. I even love you more than partying.

Happy birthday Kane. The best man I've ever known. The best partner I could ever have.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Affectionately] Hey there, my perfect boyfriend who gave me a perfect birthday. I love you so much. Thank you for everything yesterday. Not only was the day perfect, but I woke up feeling really good today too. Apparently having a truly restful day every now and then is really good for you. Go figure.

And yeah... you're my favourite thing in the world, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: You know... I've been thinking a lot about my childhood since getting these tapes. Remembering things is easier now, like... hearing her voice again makes it easier to remember things I had otherwise forgotten. Some big things, some small things. Some things I'm not even sure if they're real memories or made up ones.

But after yesterday, there's one standing out.

When I was growing up, Mumma and me only had one really clear birthday tradition. Birthday cake was always a vanilla sponge cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Every year.

And... because we never had that type of cake if it wasn't a birthday, it became more special to me than almost any other cake I can think of, because we only had it twice a year. Sometimes a third time if we visited Grandma for her birthday.

When I moved out... I stopped having that as my birthday cake. Even after Mumma died, I still didn't have it. It was something I did with her, not something I did on my own, you know?

But... thinking about it today... I think I'd like to bring that one back. Next year... next year, I want my birthday cake to be that. Vanilla sponge with whipped cream and strawberries. Do you think... could we do that?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: So, I know we already talked about this, but I'm just leaving this message so it's really really super duper confirmed.

Birthday cakes, from now on, will always be sponge cakes with whipped cream and strawberries. For both of us.

Not only because you asked, by the way. I didn't figure this part out until just now, but... I never got a chance to meet your mother. She never got a chance to meet me. We never got to hug and welcome each other into our lives, lives that we would have shared through you.

So... taking part in things she did with you is kind of how I can meet her now. Like... listening to the tapes, I can meet her. Hearing your stories is how I know her. And yeah... eating a cake that was special to her and you, that's how I can welcome her into my life.

I... really wish that I could have met her more directly, but... I mean, death is kind of a one way street. So... I'll take what I can get. And if what I can get is cake and cassettes... then that's still something. They're still pieces that she's left behind. They're still impressions that she left in the world.

And that's... well, that's still something.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: You know baby, sometimes I think I've got our whole relationship planned out perfectly. I know how I'm going to trick you into eating vegetables. I know how I'm going to handle you when you won't stop crying. I know how I'm going to talk to you about sex when you start asking questions.

But then today, my friend Tiffany, she asked me if I was going to do Santa Claus, and I just stared at her slack jawed. I hadn't given that any thought at all.

And then it all started crashing down on me. Oh, sure, it starts fairly simple. Am I going to do Santa? What about the Easter Bunny? What about the Tooth Fairy? Are we even going to celebrate Christmas at all?

[Nervously] Then it gets complicated.

What holidays should we celebrate? I don't really celebrate any at the moment, pretty much only New Years. But... that feels kind of mean to do to a child. Holidays are something kids look forward to. Should I make up some holidays? Should we just go along with the so-called secular ones? Should I let you choose? Or is that far too much choice to give a child?

What about religion? I'm not religious, but Priya is, and so are a lot of my friends. You're going to grow up around religious people. So... how should I raise you in regards to religion? What if you become religious and are upset that I'm not? What if you resent me for not raising you with religion? But then, if I did, what if you resent me for that?

What about birthdays? My idea of a great birthday party right now involves a lot of naked drunk people in a spa! I'm going to have to learn some new kid friendly tricks really quickly. Am I going to have to study to learn how to throw kids parties? Can I buy books on that? Oh god, am I going to have to buy one of those Women's Weekly birthday cake books and learn how to make that cake that looks like a train?

[Sigh] Just when I think I've got it figured out, I realize I don't know a damn thing after all. [Laughs] Well, at least that's in line with everything else I've heard about parenting, I guess.

I don't know if we'll do Santa, kiddo. I don't know a lot of stuff, turns out.

But we'll figure it out. Just because I don't have any of my own kid friendly traditions yet, doesn't mean we can't make some up together. That's half the fun of having a family, right?

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Thulium Rhydderch is voiced by Bismuth. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 86 - The Bar Dog

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Eileen, it's Helen. It was really good to see you today, and thank you again for the journal. I'm still just... I can't believe you bound it yourself, it's so beautiful. Thank you so much. You're really, really talented.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. Don't forget, we're going to go meet some dogs tomorrow morning! I'll be around at about 10 or so, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Tired] Hey CJ... I'm having trouble sleeping again. Although, for once it's not hypervigilance. It's just plain old boring normal anxiety instead.

I know we're all on the same page about the dog - it's a good idea, maybe it will help... but I just keep wondering: what if it doesn't help at all? What if I get a really nice dog, who is sweet and gentle and adorable, and it doesn't help at all? What if I'm still jumping at shadows and having nightmares and being unable to leave my room for the worst of it?

Or what if I get a dog that hates me? That just seems like it would just upset me more.

I don't know. I don't know. I know we just have to see what happens. I'm just... I'm just worried about it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, Ricardo, if the dog you meet today is the right one and you get back before I get up, tell Kane to come and wake me, okay? I wanna meet the dog!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Internal train noises]

CJ: Hey Kane! It's CJ. Ricardo wanted me to let you know - one of the dogs we met today is perfect, and we're bringing her back to the bar now. She's a white greyhound, and she's soooo cute, you're going to love her!

We have decided to call her Dognerys Litterborn of the House Best of Luck!! The First of Her Name, The Unruffled, The Calmer of Souls, Friend to All, Queen of the House and the First Backyard, Khaleesi of the Great Mud Seas, Lady of Dogstone!!!! [FX: Bark]

Or, you know. Nerys for short.

Ricardo is busy holding her and kissing her head, which is why I'm the one calling. So yeah - fill up the water bowl, we're bringing home a very good pup!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. A grumpy bedtime voicemail for you. I really didn't want to come to bed. I wanted to pat the dog some more!

She's such a good dog!! I'm so happy we're going to have her around. I know she's Ricardo's dog and she's here to help him, but it really does work out well that this solution also involves there being a dog that I get to pat every day.

I mean, I'm seriously living my bliss right now. I have a great boyfriend, a great bar, great friends, and now there's a great dog!

Life pretty much can't get any better.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. About to close up. It's been pretty quiet tonight, which is good because I think it made it a bit easier for Dognerys to get used to the place. I mean, she's a super chill dog, so I think she'll probably handle the busy nights just fine, but it's good to know she's not starting out with one, you know?

She is not a fan of the stairs, though. [Laughs] The sad look she gave Ricardo as he tried to coax her upstairs to his room was hilarious. She sort of sulked her way upstairs, it was adorable.

I'm gonna finish up and then step outside for some fresh air before I come to bed, I think. Probably gonna leave you another message in a few minutes. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Cars passing]

JASON: [Reflective] Do you remember, all the way back when we first started dating, I left you a drunk message telling you that we should open a bar together and get a dog? [Laughs] Sometimes dreams do come true, I guess.

Even if the dog isn't technically ours, we still get to pat her, like you said, so I reckon it still counts.

But yeah. I'm living my bliss too, I guess. I know the world is kind of garbage a lot of the time, and it's not even like we don't all have our problems, but... I'm really happy. I'm really happy and peaceful in a way that I never knew I could be, years ago.

You know... when you're a kid, romantic stories always end in "happily ever after", but... we never got to see that bit, you know? So like... I never really understood what that meant. Because how can you conceptualize something you never see?

But with you... with you, I suddenly get it. Because the ever after is actually the really good bit. It's... waking up every day with your best friend, and getting to share stupid jokes, and structuring your life in a way that means every burden is shared, and... yeah. It's just... it's really amazing. It's both way more normal and way more special than I expected.

I love you, and I love our lives, and... I always thought that relationships would get boring when they went on for a long time, but... that hasn't happened at all. It's just become... comfortable, and safe, and normal, and... that's really special in a way I don't quite know how to describe.

I love you. And I love our happily ever after.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Happy] I already feel better. I really, honestly, already feel better.

I was thirsty, so I came downstairs for a drink, and then I talked with Jason for a bit, and he's just stepped outside for a few minutes, and... I wanted to leave you a message before I came back to bed.

When I got up, I looked over at you sleeping, and at Dognerys sleeping on the bed with us, and... I realized, I felt happy, and not terrified.

Whenever I'm awake and you're not, I usually feel terrified. I lie there in the dark and think about all the ways our relationship could go wrong, all the ways you could leave me, all the ways I could hurt you. I wonder if I should break up with you and save you the heartache. I wonder if I should leave and never come back, just save everyone the trouble of having to deal with me.

But tonight... tonight I looked at my bed as I left the room, and I realized that I didn't want to run away. I just wanted to drink my water, and then come back upstairs and go to sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and hug my dog and kiss my partner, and come downstairs to see my friends.

This isn't going to fix me, I know that. I'm still going to have PTSD. Dognerys won't change that. But she'll help. She already is. She's helping dissolve a little of the fear.

CJ, I love you. I love you so deeply and that has always been a part of what terrifies me. But I am healing. I am learning to be less afraid. And that leaves me with more heart to love you than to fear you.

For the first time in a while... I'm really looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: [Cheerful] I did some more shopping for you, baby!

Priya and I have spent some time getting the nursery ready for you this week. We had a slight argument over colour schemes, but in the end we decided on a lovely pastel lime green that will go wonderfully with our natural pine furniture. Some of which we had to get rid of, actually, to make more room for you.

Also, it means the textiles match the plants. And oh boy, my sweet baby, do we have plants for you. We got... a little excited at the nursery, and we came home with... far more plants than any baby needs. Which, admittedly, is probably any number of plants at all, but sometimes we do things for our kids that are actually for us.

I imagine you don't care about plants and you won't until you're old enough to eat them. And... by then will probably be more interested in eating ones you shouldn't and refusing to eat the ones you should. Fortunately we made sure all the ones we got for you won't hurt you if you do somehow manage to eat them.

But, you know... I just really want you to have plants. I want you to have nice, long living plants, plants that will grow up with you. Because there's something very beautiful about having something grow with you. I mean, that's what life is, really, we're all growing and changing together.

But it can be hard to see the changes when you're going through them. That's why it's good to take a moment to look back, sometimes. To appreciate how far you've come, and gain a little understanding of how much more you will change again in the future.

That's another nice thing about these tapes, I guess. They're a time capsule. This is how things are at this point in time. It will be interesting to see how things grow and change from here.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Dognerys is voiced by Tilly. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Dianna Bell, whose generous donation to RISE Refugees, Survivors and Ex Detainees bought her the opportunity to name Dognerys.

You can also donate to RISE via their website, riserefugee.org. Seeking asylum is not a crime, and mandatory detention must end.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 85 - Helen's Birthday

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Thoughtful] Hey... so, I really wanted to talk to Helen about this, but since it involves her birthday present and I'm not going to ruin the surprise, you're getting a message instead.

I know it's super corny, but I don't have a lot of money, so... I made a scrapbook for her.

[Self consciously] It's not a particularly traditional one, since we don't have a lot of actual paper mementos or anything. It's just like... well, I wrote about how much I love her, and how great she is, and I put stickers in it, and I printed out some of our Instagram selfies together, and... yeah. I don't know. Now I'm looking it over, I'm worried it's kind of stupid.

[Sincerely] But... I mean everything in it. She's so dear to me, and... I don't know. We've become so close over the past few months, and...

I don't know if it's, like... I don't know if it's just platonic any more or if it's a bit romantic, or what, but... whatever it is, I don't even care. I'm just... I'm really glad to have her.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey, Helen's birthday present is on the bed next to you for when you wake up. I know you were worried about me giving it to her without you, so, once again, we will use this method to make sure that doesn't happen. [AMUSED] I imagine we will probably do it again next year, too.

Oh, and since she's not up yet, I'm going to gloat about something. I'm getting over my fear of fairy lights burning the bar down. Mira and I put them up so we can surprise Helen when she comes down today. I hope she likes them.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: Hey Helen, it's Eileen. Happy birthday!

I can't make it to your party tonight, I've got the flu. But I'll come by next week and see you and drop off your present, okay?

Have fun tonight!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: Happy birthday Helen! Victor and I will be coming to help with the party soon. Also, I have a gift for you! I have some beautiful African Violets I've been tending very carefully in preparation for today. I'm sure you will like them. They brighten up the whole room, just like you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Helen, sorry, I only just left work - it's been fucking busy as hell today. But I'm on my way to the Best of Luck now, so save a dance for me, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[BG FX: Muffled music]

KANE: [Tired sigh] Hey honey. I gotta say, I was a little sad to leave the party early, but... well, I gotta get up at my usual early hour tomorrow, so I gotta get my beauty sleep.

I love Helen's birthday. I love the way we all use it as a reason to just... aggressively love on her. We get to tell her how much she means to us, and we can be as sappy or as serious or as over the top as we want, because it's her birthday, and that's okay.

[Yawn] She looked so happy dancing with Storm. I like it when Helen looks happy.

Goodnight. I love you. So much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. We're just finishing up down here. And, yes, we've taken down the fairy lights, just like I promised, so you don't need to worry about that overnight. Although... I guess you'll probably notice that when you get up and don't need to hear it from me, but it feels like I should tell you anyway.

Storm had to head to bed a bit earlier than the rest of us, she'd been awake for something like 20 hours or so by that point, so, damn, fair enough. So she's crashed out in Helen's room.

Everyone else is packing up and heading home, except Helen and Mira, who are sitting up on the back lounge together.

I should probably finish my last couple of things and head to bed myself. I am very much looking forward to snuggling up against you.

Good night, gorgeous.

And yeah. I like it when Helen looks happy, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey Papa Bear, I just wanted to thank you for tonight. It was perfect. And I know the fairy lights make you anxious, so... I appreciate your sacrifice.

Thank you. I'm so glad to be here with you, and Jason, and everyone else.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Sweetly] Hey, my handsome girlfriend. You're sleeping in my bed right now, so I'm leaving you this message to wake up to tomorrow morning.

Storm, thank you for everything. For the necklace, for dancing with me, for coming to see me when you're so tired from work... and for being my girlfriend. Thank you for being my girlfriend.

I'm so, so glad you found your way to this bar and to me, and to Mira. You're so perfect, and wonderful, and... I spend a lot of time hardly believing that someone like you wants to be with me. I love you, I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Lovingly] Mira... I love you. Thank you for the book, and for everything else.

You've become so important to me, I can't imagine my life without you any more.

I sometimes can't tell if I love you like a sister or more romantically, but then I realize... it doesn't matter at all. All that matters is that I love you, and I know you love me too.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: You know, baby, morning sickness is supposed to start wearing off around now. Please don't be one of those babies that makes me sick all pregnancy, okay? Especially if it's going to be a week like this week.

I have done nothing this week, baby. In between throwing up, I have laid in bed and laid on the couch and watched too much boring television. Poor Priya has been looking after me, and I feel terrible about that. She's still hurting so much from her father's passing, and I should be looking after her, instead!

She doesn't mind, but... *I* mind.

I've not always been the best at looking after people. I was very selfish when I was young. I used to be very reckless with people's feelings. I... I regret so many things from back then.

I had so many girlfriends that... well, I used to think that the problems in our relationships were about being monogamous, or about them being in the closet, all kinds of things. But... in hindsight, it's mostly just that I always prioritized my feelings over everyone else's.

I don't do that any more. Or at least, I try my best not to. I'm still human, and I'm still going to make mistakes. But... I'm much better, these days.

It's one of the reasons I'm excited about you. I would never have been able to handle you when I was young. But now? Now I can.

And... well, I'm going to have to try and make sure that you learn to be gentle with people, too.

[Groans] Ugh, baby. Please knock it off with the sickness. It's getting old really fast.

Mumma's gonna go try to have another nap. If she doesn't throw up, first. Oof.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 84 - Ribbons and Ropes

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Tired] Hey babe. Just closed up. Another good night done.

Ricardo is still a bit wobbly. We talked for a long while tonight. No one else was here or left awake, so it was a good time for it.

He's still struggling. We tried to come up with ideas that might help, but I mean... well, the top idea is therapy, but who the fuck can afford therapy?

I mean... [Sigh] I didn't tell him this part, but I thought maybe we could look at our budget and maybe help him out with that sometime? I don't know if we can help much, but... I mean, shit. It'd be good, you know? If he could have someone to talk to who might actually be able to help? As opposed to just us, who... I mean, we all love him, but none of us know how to treat PTSD. We're all just... doing our best.

But the other idea we had, was maybe getting him a dog. I mean... I'm not sure if our lease would let us do that, but... worst case scenario we just... won't tell anyone. Lying about pets in rentals is a time honoured tradition, and it's not like we've ever had an inspection or anything since we moved in.

And... I don't know. I mean, having a dog could help a lot. It might help him feel a bit safer, and it would mean if he has a nightmare and there's no one around to talk to, then he'll still have someone nearby, you know?

Anyway, I realize I should have asked you about this before I talked to him about it, but it pretty much only occurred to me during the conversation. And I mean, it's not set in stone or anything, it's just an idea.

[Sigh] Fuck, I'm tired. I love you. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Jason, you are a genius. A dog is a great idea. I'll talk to Ricardo about that when he gets up. I... will also call the real estate agent and ask about it. [Uncertain] Hopefully it'll be okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Ugh. Real estate agent said no to the dog. What a surprise.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: So... where do you think we stand on magic use and the mundanity rule when it comes to dealing with real estate agents? Because... I was thinking about it, and... I think we can probably luck magic our way into getting them to agree to it.

But... I worry about that. I mean... you know I'm kind of firmly against making people think or do whatever we want. But... we'd definitely do whatever was needed in non magic methods to get them to agree to this, so... where does it fall on the morality scale? I mean, I already asked, and they said no, so... I guess trying to turn that no into a yes probably doesn't pass the test, right?

Ugh. UGH. For the first time, I actually kind of wish we didn't have ethical stances on this stuff.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: So, here's a thing. I was thinking about the real estate situation, and... well, actually, I was thinking about how much I hate real estate agents, but it's related. I realized, we don't actually have to ask the real estate agent's permission to get a dog. We need the landlord's permission to get a dog.

From what you told me about your actual call with the agent today, it doesn't sound like they actually contacted our landlord to ask, they just... assumed it would be a no. So... this might be a way in.

And I mean, I don't think there's anything ethically dodgy about making it more likely that the landlord will actually hear our request rather than just the agent. I'm not even sure it's dodgy to make us a bit more lucky in terms of the actual decision - I mean, people make pet resumes and offer pet bonds and stuff to increase the odds of a yes all the time, right? So... this isn't all that different.

Besides... I really do think a dog would help Ricardo a lot. And I think we should do our best to make it happen. Our actual best.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Okay, so, I had a thought, and I have no idea if it will pan out, but I figured it's worth trying.

I was tidying the kitchen, and I found some string. And I was thinking about the string on the back of our door, and... remembering how Mumma used to tie knots for good luck when I was a kid, and... well, we haven't really experimented with that side of this stuff beyond the wards of the bar. I thought this might be a good opportunity.

So... I braided some string, and I tried to put some luck magic into it. Specifically dog-related luck, or at least, that's what I was aiming for.

I thought about Ricardo, and how much I wanted to help him. How much good a dog could do for him.

And, you know... it felt a lot like what Mumma talked about on her tapes, when she was soothing the pain of her friend. It was like I could feel my emotions flowing down my fingers and into the string. My desire to help. My compassion.

So... then I asked Ricardo if he'd hold onto the string for a while. I explained what I was trying, and he agreed it was worth a try.

We tied it around his wrist like one of those friendship bracelets we made as kids. Remember those?

Anyway. Ricardo is wearing a magic dog string bracelet, is what I'm saying. So I guess... I'm going to try and call the agent again.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Excited] Jason, it worked! I asked the agent to call the landlord and put our request directly to them, and she did, and they said yes! We can get Ricardo a dog!!

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: I'm getting a lot better with my superpowers, or whatever they are. I asked Priya if I could try calming her grief with a little superstition yesterday, and she agreed.

I'm still not... 100% clear on what's happening to me, or where these powers come from, so... I haven't really talked to her much about it yet. I've mentioned the strange things, but... she thinks it's just mother's intuition, like I do. Or did. I'm honestly starting to wonder about that, because... well, things are getting complicated.

So, yes. I asked her if I could try out some superstitions, because I feel like that's a pretty non threatening way to ask if I can try my weird powers on her, right? She said yes, and so... we sat on our bed, and I held her hands.

And it was just like the pain in my friend - I could feel her grief in her mind and her chest. It was so sharp and black and cold. I felt my own body in a different way - I felt this warm pulsing beneath my skin. My love. My concern.

So I tried to sort of... flow that into her, through our hands.

[Touched] And she started crying. But... it wasn't bad crying. It was relief. I wasn't... removing her grief. I was smoothing it. Making it easier to feel. And she... she could feel it better, because it wasn't so overwhelming.

[Relieved] And I was so happy, and so grateful, baby, that I started crying too. I was able to take the jagged edge off her grief, and that... I can't even tell you how happy that made me, to be able to do that for her.

It... stopped, when we stopped holding hands, though. And that was frustrating, because... I want it to last. I want to help her for longer.

So... I found this old ribbon, it fell off a dress I've had for years... and I sat with Priya again, and I tried to flow that warm gentle feeling into the ribbon. Then I tied it around her wrist, and... it worked. It worked! Even when we stopped holding hands, she still felt cradled by me.

[Emotional] I'm so happy, baby. I'm so happy. I don't know where these powers came from, but I am so, so glad that they're here. I can do so much good with this. I can make such a difference.

We're going to do that, baby. You and me. We're going to make a big difference in the world. I know we can. I know we will.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 83 - Just Be There

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Anxious] CJ, it's Ricardo. I... I can't come around tomorrow, I don't think. Or... today, I suppose, technically.

I just... it's a very bad day.

It's four thirty in the morning, and I can't stay asleep longer than half an hour or so at a time. I just keep having nightmares. I dream about being hurt and killed, and then I wake up in a sweat.

I came downstairs, but everyone's asleep. Which of course I understand, but... god, I feel like I am still in a nightmare, sometimes, when this happens. Like I am completely alone. Like no one else is real.

[Sigh] You're real, right? I know you'll be sleeping right now, and that's why you're not answering the phone. It is that, right? It's not that you're not real?

Sorry. Sorry. I just... it's a bad day. It's a bad day. I don't... I don't want to go anywhere today. I don't... feel safe anywhere.

[Sigh] I wish someone was up. I wish I had someone here so I know it's real and I'm not alone.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Gentle] Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. I'm glad you're not answering. Hopefully that means you're getting some more sleep.

It's totally okay that you're not up to coming around today. Would you like me to come by the Best of Luck Bar? We can hang out there instead.

And yes, I'm real, I promise.

And don't be sorry. You went through something horrible. It's normal to still be struggling with the aftermath of that.

[Very Gently] It's okay. I promise. It's okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Weakly] I can't... I can't see you today. I don't want you to see me like this. I'm... I'm really struggling to hold myself together today.

[Upset] I don't know why you're with me. I don't want to hurt you with this. I'm so sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Frustrated] Shit, I'm so sorry I missed your call, I was in the middle of something at work.

[Gently, Lovingly] Ricardo... Ricardo, it's all right. You're not hurting me, I promise. I'm okay, I'm just worried about you.

You're not hurting me by being in pain. Even if you don't feel up to seeing me, that's okay, I get it, I can wait until you feel better.

You let me know when you're ready to see me, okay? I'll wait as long as you need. But you don't need to be feeling good to see me. I'm in a relationship with all of you, Ricardo, not just the fun bits. I don't mind being there for you when it's hard. I like being able to be there for you.

I love you, and I'm not afraid of being hurt by you. It's okay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Awkwardly] Okay, so, I just realized that that's the first time I've said "I love you", and that probably wasn't the best situation for it, or the best medium, but, uh, well... it slipped out, and now it's out there.

So I'm sorry for the shitty delivery, but... I still meant it. I do love you. I know I can't fix you, and I know sometimes you need space from me, but I'm not afraid of you and I don't mind being with you when it's hard.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Emotional] I wish I could say I'm not afraid of you, but I am. I'm afraid of you getting tired of me, or getting annoyed at me, or thinking I'm pathetic, or just finding me too much to deal with.

I'm... afraid to tell you how much you mean to me. I'm afraid it will be too much. Just like I'm afraid that I'm too much.

I love you too. And that terrifies me. But... I love you too.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Sombre] It's been another rough week, baby. Priya's father passed away. His funeral is today.

That's where she is, actually. I'm home alone at the moment. [Struggling] I... was not able to go with her. Her family doesn't know she's queer, and... this is definitely not the time for that kind of revelation.

[Sigh] I'm doing my best to support her and be here for her. But, well... there's no fast track for grief. You can't zoom someone through healing. It takes time. You can't rush it.

So, I'm just... doing what I can. I hold her when she needs to cry. I cook dinner so she doesn't have to worry about it. I call her work and tell them that she won't be in today. I do the laundry and fluff the pillows on her favourite armchair, so she has somewhere to sit comfortably while she reads for the next few days.

It doesn't feel like much, from this side. But I know it's helping her, even if it's just a little bit.

It can be very hard to be there for someone when you can't give them what they need. But being there at all is the important thing.

She might not remember me doing the laundry in ten years' time, but... she will remember that I was here. And that's... that's what matters the most.

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 82 - Mama Jay

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Victor's still really down this morning. I haven't been soothing him - I asked him if he wanted to be cheered up when he got up, and he said no. He needs to feel his feelings for a while. So... we're giving him some space and letting him do that.

I'm really proud of him, you know? Like... this is an awful thing to go through, but he's handling it really well. Like, obviously he's upset, but... he's handling it.

Still... I wish he didn't have to.

[Sigh] Well, things are good down here otherwise. I love you. See you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Just letting you know Victor's gone home for the night.

He looked okay. Like... not great, but okay. We talked a bit before he left, and he actually got a bit angry, which... honestly? I think is good. It's healthy to get angry when people treat you badly.

Anyway. Still got a couple of hours till closing time. Not a lot of customers though, so it looks like I'm in for a quiet night. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Sad] Hey Jason. Sorry to leave you another voicemail, I imagine you're probably getting a little tired of me. But I can't sleep, and... I keep playing everything over and over again in my head.

I keep wondering... was there something I could have done? Could I have done something to make her realize how wrong she is? How much she's hurting me? Could I have explained myself better? Could I have gotten through to her, somehow?

I keep wondering, and I keep asking, and... the more I do, and the longer I think about it... the more I think the answer is no.

I don't think that she really wants to make peace with me. I think... I think she just wants me to shut up and be whatever she thinks I should be, like, like I'm not a person, like I'm some kind of doll that she can wheel out to impress her friends, or put me in the cupboard if I'm embarrassing.

[Upset, Teary] That... that really hurts, Jason. It hurts more than I thought it would. I thought I was over it. I thought I'd just never speak to my family again. And then... then... then she called me, and she wanted to talk, and I wanted... I wanted it to be real. I wanted her to want me again, and to accept me, and I just... [Sob]

[More composed] I just want my Mum to love me. And... it just hurts so much that doesn't. Even if she thinks she does... she loves someone who doesn't exist. I wish I had a mother that loved me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Victor...

You know, I keep wanting to say, "fuck her, she's garbage! She doesn't deserve you!" and I mean... I do honestly think that, but... unfortunately, I'm also intimately familiar with how you're feeling. It's hard to hate your parents, even when they do horrible things to you.

Maybe she'll come 'round some day. Maybe she won't. It's okay if you don't hate her, but it's also okay if you do. This shit is complicated.

[Sigh] [Perks up] Hey, listen. You know what? You want a mother who loves you and accepts you?

Okay. Fuck her. I'm your mother now.

Okay? I am 100% serious about this. I love you so much and you're my kid now.

You already said it yourself. We're your family. And I love you and accept you completely. So I'm your mother now.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Laughing] Jason, you're a thirty one year old cis man. Not that I don't appreciate it, but people might look at us a little strangely if I start calling you Mum.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Don't argue with your mother when I'm telling you I love you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Sassy] Sorry, mother.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Jason, did I just hear you shouting "I'm your mother now" at someone?

Because if I did, I think we've finally found your nickname. One of your boys - I think it was Tristan? - actually suggested "Mama Jay" a while back, as sort of a partner nickname to Papa Bear for Kane... it was okay, but we were worried that it might come off a bit heteronormative.

But if you're gonna go around telling people you're their mother now, I think maybe you decided it for us. [Laughs]

Hope you like it, Mama Jay.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Kane!! I'm a new mother and I finally have a nickname to match yours!!

This is the best day of my life!!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Amused] That was one of the most confusing messages I've ever received from you. You're gonna have to enlighten me on the details of that when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Thoughtfully] You know, mostly people have been pretty good about it, baby, but there are still a few people who have asked me if I'm worried about you growing up without a father.

I'm not worried at all. I don't really have a father, and I'm fine.

I mean... I did have one. But my mother left him when I was still fairly small, and honestly? I thank the universe for that every day.

I think I've mentioned him briefly before, but the short version is that my father was rubbish. He was a rude and selfish man, and he treated my mother very badly.

He tries to make contact with me every few years. I ignore him. Well, not outright - I usually respond, but I just tell him that I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with him.

Maybe he really has changed. Maybe he's a good person now.

But that doesn't change all the times he made my mother cry. That doesn't change all the harm he did. I don't care how much of a good person he might be now, I'm not obligated to give him my time or attention for that.

I do genuinely hope that he's a better person now. I hope he's a kind person who treats his friends and loved ones well. I hope that if he is a better person, that he's found someone to love, and he treats them well too. I truly wish him the best.

But let him have his new life far away from me.

You don't have to love people who hurt you, baby. You don't have to forgive people. It's lovely if you can, it can be very healing for your own sake. But sometimes you don't need it, and that's fine.

You don't have to love or forgive anyone. No one is owed either of those things.

Not even me, by the way. If I ever bring you harm, you can forget me.

I hope you won't. I'll do my best to make sure you don't want or need to. But if it comes to that, then... that's how it is.

The only thing required of you is to do your best to be a kind and respectful person, and try to leave the world in a better place than you found it. That's all.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 81 - Victor's Mum

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Anxious] Hey, Jason, it's Victor. Uh... my mother called me. She... she said she wants to make peace. She wants to get lunch.

I was wondering... would you be okay with coming along? I'd feel better about it if I had you there with me.

I do want to see her, and... I would really like things to get better with my family. I'm just... I'm just scared. And... I'd really like it if you could hold my hand, you know?

[Sigh] Yeah. If you're not okay with it, that's totally fine, I get it. I know you've probably had enough shitty parent drama for a while.

But... yeah. It would really help me a lot. Let me know? Thanks.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Victor, of course I'll go with you. And I'm sure if you want more backup, everyone else here at the bar would be happy to help out too.

You know we love you, Victor. We're here for you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Worried] Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail. I've... got something on my mind.

I'm really worried about Victor and his Mum. I mean... it could be fine, she could be serious about wanting to make up, but I mean... the shit his Dad did...

Plus, I mean, she was at best okay with kicking her son out of home and at worst a main part of that decision. It just... it doesn't feel optimistic, you know? I just... I don't want Victor to get his hopes up for too much, I guess.

But, let's assume the best. Let's assume she's really wanting to make peace.

What if it fails? What if it just opens up more hurt than it heals? I just... I don't want to see Victor go through that. It's been hard enough watching you go through it, thank you very much. I don't want Victor to suffer this shit as well.

[Sigh] Ugh. Hopefully it will be fine and I'll feel really silly about all these worries afterwards. Hopefully she'll be sorry and lunch will be great and Victor will have a renewed connection with his family.

[Quiet sigh] Why does that just... not feel likely?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey hon. Things are a bit tense this morning. Victor's come in early, just to hang out and feel comfortable. He's not due to go meet his Mum until one, but... he's already edgy.

I soothed him a little, and so did Helen. Even if she doesn't know she's doing it. But regardless, it's helping a lot. He looks less jittery than he did twenty minutes ago.

[Sigh] I really hope things go well today. I'm glad you'll be going with him.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[Background SFX: Restaurant hubbub]

JASON: [Angry] Hey. So. We just finished lunch with Victor's mother.

What a fucking shitshow. She didn't want peace. She wanted to sweep everything under the rug. She wanted to act like nothing happened!

Oh, and she still wants Victor to not be gay, so, that alone is kind of a giveaway about how serious she is about making peace, isn't it! She wants him to just be "normal", and if he can't love women, then, quote, "there's nothing wrong with being a permanent bachelor".

She just wants to play happy fucking families and pretend like she didn't boot her child out into the cold because she's a shit mother who can't accept her son being queer.

You'll be pleased to know I didn't actually tell her to go fuck herself, but believe me, it took all of my self control.

[Sigh] Victor's in the bathroom. He's washing his face. There were a lot of tears.

I'm going to bring him back to the Best of Luck when he comes out. If you've got any cupcakes left or something can you put one aside for him? And maybe some of that fancy fruit tea, as well? I think he's going to need a good love up when we get there.

I kind of wish you were here. You're better at comfort than I am. I'm just fucking angry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Cupcakes and tea put aside. Helen and Mira have already claimed the comfiest couch up the back so Victor can have the best spot when he gets here.

[Gently] I know you worry a lot about not being, like, comforting enough? But trust me... that anger you've got is still helpful. There's a lot of comfort in someone else being angry at injustice when we're not able to feel it yet ourselves.

We'll soothe him when he gets here, if that's what he wants. But for now I think it might be good if he can feel your anger on his behalf.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey, Jason. I'm still awake. Can't sleep.

Thanks for letting me crash here tonight. Although, it's kind of weird to be in a different bedroom to the time I stayed with you before. Can't say I mind not having to climb the staircase to get to it, though.

[Sombre] I feel so stupid about today. I thought... I really thought maybe we could work something out. I thought that maybe Dad had calmed down and, maybe Mum had reconsidered her position, or... something. I don't know.

[Sigh] I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I should have known better.

[Brighter] But you know what? Even though it was horrible? Coming back here to the bar, and having everyone here hug me and tell me they love me, and get me tea and hang out with me... and tell me that I'm okay, and I'm normal, and that it's my parents' loss for not wanting me?

That was really... meaningful. And really, almost... magical. It was like stepping through a portal from a shitty world to a perfect one.

Even if my parents don't want me, that's fine. Everyone here wants me. Everyone here loves me. I have more love and support here than I ever did with my blood family.

[Grateful] And I wouldn't have any of that if you hadn't helped me when I first came here. I don't know if I can ever really repay you for that. I know I thank you for taking me in a lot, but... everything a family is supposed to have, I found here. Thanks to you and Kane.

Thank you.

[Hangup]

[Casette Noise]

JULIE: You know, I have no idea if you'll be queer or straight when you grow up, baby. I've told you before, I hope you're queer, but even if not, that's okay.

But the thing is, you're still gonna have a queer mother. So... I'm still going to need to teach you some stuff, even if you end up being straight yourself.

The world can be cold towards queer people. A lot of people think we're not even human. Even a lot of nice people still think that we're unnatural, and not really worth considering as a part of society. But we are, baby, of course we are.

The thing is, even people who don't think that... they still live in a society that does. And we live in that society too. So even if you're not close to the actual mean people, it can still get tiring, sometimes, to exist in a world that hates you.

So here's a secret, from your queer Mumma: you need to find oases.

You need to find pockets of space and time, with people you love and who love you, where everything is okay. You need to find places where you are welcome and valued. You need to find people who are kind to you. And then, you must be kind to them too, and welcome and value them, too.

When you do this, you create bubbles in society. Strong bubbles, that give you air when you're drowning beneath the waves. Bubbles that can raise you up again when you've sunk so low that you can't see the light any more.

These bubbles are very important, and you must tend them gently, and add your air to them whenever you're able. Because that's how we survive in the world, baby. We fight when we need to, and then we rest when we need to, as well.

Find your oasis. And if you can't find one? Cultivate one yourself. All it takes to start one is a single person, making the time and space for kindness, both towards themselves and others. Big bubbles can grow from very small lungs.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Victor is voiced by D.L. Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 80 - Drunk Jason Returns

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, Michael, can you do a late night shift for me tonight? Storm wants to go drinking and I am so ready for it. It's been way too long since I let my inner trash bag out to play.

I know it's kind of short notice, so no worries if you can't do it, I'll just have to make sure I plan better next time.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: Hey, Jason, sure thing. I can cover you tonight no problem. See you soon.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey, I'm about to head to bed.

I'm really glad you're going out tonight, you know. I sometimes feel a bit guilty, like... I know you like drinking, and the fact we don't have alcohol here is... well, I know it's been a big change for you, let's put it that way. So it makes me really happy when you can get a chance to go drink and party elsewhere.

Anyway. I hope you and Storm are having a great time. I'm expecting many drunk voicemails when I wake up tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: People chattering in background]

JASON: Oh my god, Kane, I forgot how long the queues are to get into cool bars in the city. Storm and I are waiting in the longest line that's ever existed--

STORM: [In background] HI KANE!

JASON: I regret this decision. I'm going to die in this queue. Remember me fondly.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Sound of tram travelling]

JASON: Hey, it's me. We left the stupid bar with the world's longest queue! We're on a tram. We're heading northside to go to Sircuit instead. Apparently it's drag night, so I don't know why the fuck we didn't just plan to go there in the first place.

[To Storm] Hey, why didn't we just go to Sircuit first?

STORM: [In background] I don't know, man, we didn't exactly plan this. Where's your sense of adventure?

JASON: My sense of adventure lead us to spending half an hour in a line full of straight people. [Storm laughs] Clearly my sense of adventure cannot be trusted. Anyway, I'm gonna go drink like I'm dying and fall in love with every drag queen I see. Love you, talk to you later!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Loud club noise]

JASON: [Drunk] Heeeey! Hey! It's been a while since drunk Jason called you! Did you miss me? [Laughs]

Ah fuck, Kane, I don't remember, have you ever been here? Did I ever take you here? We should come together sometime, okay? It's... it's so good. So fucking good! The dancing is so good, and I wanna dance with you more!

We're gonna come here sometime and dance a lot, okay? Okay!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Ocean in background]

STORM: [Drunk] Hey, Helen... ah... Helen of Troy. A woman so beautiful that mythology remembers her for that above all else.

However beautiful she was, you are a thousand times more so. You are greater than any queen that ever lived. Kinder than any saint. Helen... Helen. I cannot believe I am so lucky as to know you. I am blessed to have kissed you.

You are a goddess among mortals. I...

No... no. That's something I need to tell you in person.

But Helen... you are magnificent, and I adore you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: [Drunk] Mira! Mira, sweet, beautiful, efferve--efferv--eff--effervescent Mira! You are like the sun! So bright and radiant, and I, I'm just so incredibly grateful to know, so blessed to touch you, so lucky to... no, that's for in person.

I am by the ocean right now and I am thinking of you, and how beautiful you are. I am devoted to you, beautiful, radiant Mira.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Ocean in background]

JASON: [Drunk] Hah, I've corrupted Storm. [Sing-song] She's leaving drunk voicemails for her girlfriends! [Laughs]

[Relaxed] Ahhh. We're not at the club any more, in case the lack of doof in the background wasn't a giveaway. We were coming home but then decided to stop off at the beach for a bit.

Hmm... there's someone else here. Just one person. Some guy in a business suit, which is a bit odd. He's been standing there looking at the water for like... ten minutes? I'd be freaked out about if I could think of any discernible reason to be freaked out, but I can't, really. It's weird, but not like, scary or threatening or anything.

Oh! Oh okay! He's taking his suit off. Does he have bathers on underneath or someth--wow, he is folding that very neatly. I don't think I can fold a shirt that neatly, let alone a suit jacket.

Yeah okay, nope! No bathers underneath! That is just a man in his jocks! Yup! Is he gonna go swimming? But like, he doesn't have a towel or anything, so how is he... oh my god...

[SFX: Distant scream in background]

[Storm yells in background]

[Laughs] [Yells] YEAH! YEAH MAN!!

[Laughs] Oh my god, he just fucken... he just fucken ran into the ocean, dived in, and then popped up screaming because it's so fucking cold!

Oh my god, that was amazing. Fuck. Holy shit. [Laughs] I can't believe it. I wish you were here for that, because holy shit, that was a once in a lifetime experience. [Laughs]

Ah. Ah, I love you, Kane. I'll see you tomorrow when I get up. [Still chuckling]

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Brightly] Hi baby! So, I got to see you again yesterday. On the ultrasound, I mean, not just your bump. I waved at you! I know you couldn't see it, but... it was almost involuntary. I'm just so excited about you! I can't wait to meet you.

[Contemplatively] You know, the ultrasound... everyone says you're a girl. But... that doesn't feel right. I know technology is supposed to be supreme or something, but... I'm sure you're not a girl. I'm positive.

I told Priya, and she said that she's heard about this, mothers disagreeing with the scans. She said that usually the mothers are right.

I'm inclined to think I'm right too. Especially with the strange... precognition powers I've got. I mean... generally they don't extend very far, and you're still a long way off being born, but... I don't know, baby. Maybe this isn't the same thing exactly. Maybe this is just a Mum thing, not a superpower thing.

Well, either way, not only am I sure you're not a girl, I'm pretty sure you're a boy. Like... really sure. I mean, I could be wrong, I suppose, but... I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt this certain about anything before. Why would I feel this way over something small like a gender if it wasn't... real? You know?

Well... I guess we've got plenty of time to find out who's right, me or the scans. But... I'm still putting my money on me.

But hey - I love you no matter what you are, okay, baby? Gender doesn't matter at all. I love you no matter what.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes. Additional sounds effects thanks to Kyle Evans.

Sircuit is a real gay bar in Melbourne, that hosts all kinds of delightful events most nights of the week. You can learn more about them at sircuit.com.au - that's S I R C U I T dot com dot A U.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 79 - Sky High

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

STORM: Hey, Helen, it's Storm. Can I steal you away for tonight? There's somewhere I'd like to take you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Happy] Hey, Jason, guess what? Tom and Brandon finally - finally - found a wheelchair accessible apartment that they can afford!! And they're getting the keys tomorrow! Which is... really fast, but, well, sometimes that's how real estate goes, just happening all at once with no warning.

I told them we'd help them move, and Victor and Michael want to help too, so... guess we've got a big few days ahead of us.

Anyway, you know that sad empty nest feeling I got when Michael moved out? You should probably brace yourself, because I suspect you're going to have to nurse me through another phase of it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Wait, did that last message sound like I'm not happy for them? Because I totally am very happy for them. I'm just also a big sook. I can be both!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Hope you're sleeping well.

I know it's sad to see the boys move out, but it'll be good for them to have their own space. And hey, that's another room free if we have anyone else who needs to crash, remember? I mean, hopefully we won't need it, but... if we do, then we've got it.

But yeah. I know it's sad to see them go, even if it's a good thing.

I love you. And Tom and Brandon do too, and they'll be back to hang out with us I'm sure, so don't feel like this is goodbye. It's just the end of an extended sleepover.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Sternly] Jason, I'm calling to tell on Kane. He's been lifting heavy boxes even though we've told him that we can do it, and he probably shouldn't. If you can make him stop when you get up, that'd be very helpful.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: So help me Kane, if you lift any more heavy things tomorrow instead of letting someone else do it, I'm going to chain you to the bed for a week. And not in a sexy fun kind of way. In a "bad dog" kind of way.

Wait, no, I said it wasn't going to be sexy. Cancel that last comment.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, it's me. Storm brought me up to a BNB in Olinda, and... now we're at Sky High, and I can see the whole city, and it's... it's so beautiful, Mira. It's so, so beautiful. The city lights make it look like a city of stars, and it's like I can feel the whole population bubbling with their own hopes and fears thoughts and....

[Wistful] And... I wish you were here.

I don't mean, like, instead of Storm or anything. I mean... I wish you were here with us.

Not like... [Flustered] Not like that. And I don't mean that I want you to be here all the time or anything.

I mean, I love my time with Storm. I love being with her, and the way she looks at me when we're together. Having her full attention on me is... really special.

But... for a moment like this? For something this beautiful? For something this special?

... I wish you were here with us.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: Helen, I can see you on the phone, and I know you said you were going to make a call, but do you know what I just realized?

I realized that you are probably not talking to someone in real time. You're probably leaving a voicemail.

I'm not bothered by it, I think it's adorable. I like the way you smile to yourself when you do it.

And hey, if you ever want to leave me long voicemails like Jason and his beau do?

I'll be up for that.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: [AMUSED, SWEETLY] Hey, Mira, I just wanted to say, if you like leaving messages like Helen does, or like Jason and Kane do? I'd be happy to receive some. I'd love to hear your thoughts any time you wanted to share them.

I just thought I'd tell you that explicitly, because Helen's leaving a message right now, and I suspect it's for you. And I have to say, I love it, I think it's adorable. I think you both are adorable. And I will take any excuse for more contact with or from either of you, in whatever form it may take.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: I don't have, like, the material for a long message right now, but...

STORM (off): [Laughs] You're going to leave me a message while I'm standing right here next to you?

HELEN: Yeah. Think of it like a voice selfie. We're marking the occasion with a voicemail.

STORM (off): [Cheeky] Oh, I see. So this is a special memory we're making?

HELEN: Yes!

STORM (off): [Sensually] Well, let's see if this can be picked up by your phone...

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Emotional] Helen! I miss you. That message made me want to hug you for a thousand years.

I know what you mean, though. I don't, like... I don't want us to spend all our time together or anything, but... sometimes I have moments like that with Storm too. When she does something super romantic or super special and it's just like... those moments almost feel incomplete without you.

I hope that doesn't sound weird or something. I just... yeah. I know what you mean.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Cheeky] Well, you've done it now, Storm. Now you're going to get long boring voicemails from me every time I want to talk to you and you're not there. I hope you're ready for that.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

STORM: [Joke-accusingly] Jason! You infected my girlfriends, they both leave sincere and emotional voicemails now!

[Sincerely] Thank you. I never would have expected to look forward to voicemails, but now, a voicemail probably means I get to hear one or both of my girls telling me something beautiful. That's a wonderful and unexpected surprise. You have transformed my relationship with my phone.

I hope everything is going well at the bar. I'll probably see you when I drop Helen home tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Tired] Ugh, baby. I went shopping for you today. It was exhausting. I have to say, this was the first time in this whole process where I've been anything less than thrilled about you.

[Perking up] But! I got a bunch of things. Just the basics. A crib, some linens, a bassinet, a whole bunch of very boring cleaning things, and some baby clothes. I've still got a lot of things that I have yet to get, but this is a good start.

I'm not buying toys or anything fun like that just yet. I'm saving the fun shopping for when you're closer to term. Because from what I've heard, the last few weeks are hard as hell, and I'm gonna need something to keep my spirits up when you're kicking my insides around. So we'll get cute toys and things then. Oh, and booties! Booties are the cutest baby item. Those I am definitely saving for when I'm having a rough time.

[Exhausted] Uuuugggghhhh. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so tired. I gotta go sleep until I feel like a human again. I promise I'll try and make next week's recording more interesting.

Hey - I love you a whole lot though, okay? I love you hugely and deeply and nothing will ever stop me. Although we'll see how you feel about me in return after I've put you in this hideous banana onesie I got today. [Giggles]

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Sky High is a real place just outside Melbourne, in the Dandenong Ranges. It’s very beautiful, and definitely a nice place for a romantic date. Learn more about it at skyhighmtdandenong.com.au. That’s sky high, M T D A N D E N O N G dot com dot AU.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 78 - Commonalities

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, some flowers just arrived at the bar for us! Sunflowers. They're from your sister. The card says "sorry our parents are homophobic jerks", heh.

I... am just now realizing that I have no idea if we own a vase. I'll see if I can find one. Failing everything, we can probably use one of our water jugs, in a pinch.

I love you. And, Maggie clearly loves you too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, Maggie. We got your flowers today. Thank you. It really, honestly, does mean a lot.

And... thanks for putting Kane's name on the card, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: Of course Kane's on the card. He's your partner. He's family too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tired] Hey. Bedtime voicemail, as requested.

I keep replaying your sister's voicemail over in my head. I'm really glad you played it for me, by the way. Thank you.

She said it like it was so obvious. "Of course Kane is on the card". Of course, right?

But... I don't know, I mean... considering everything? It... really matters, for her to think like that. For her to welcome me into her family like that, into your family.

It's a little strange, when I think about it, I mean... I've only met her once. But... that was enough. She saw us together, she saw how happy we are and how good we are together, and that... that was enough.

I've never really had in-laws before. My mother was always the one accepting my partners as her own kids, usually because they had shitty parents like you do. So this is... kind of new, for me, this whole, inheriting new family later in life thing.

But... it's nice. I like it.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey. Yeah... it's nice for me, too. I've never really exposed many boyfriends to my family before. I usually try to keep them away from my parents, and... that has the side effect of keeping them away from my sister, too.

But... well, I mean, you're in for the long haul, so it was gonna happen eventually, and... I don't know, I'm just really glad that Maggie likes you.

All this stuff with my parents and Maggie and the pregnancy and everything, it kind of sucks overall, but... I have to say, I feel closer to my sister than I have in years. Possibly ever.

I wish we could have found our way to this position with a little less family drama, but... I'm glad we got here, regardless of the road taken.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: Kane, it's Ricardo. I've been listening to the tapes your mother left for you.

[Gently] Thank you, by the way, for letting me listen to them. I can only imagine how hard it is to listen to them, let alone share them with other people.

I know you said I could listen ahead of you if I wanted, but... that feels disrespectful, honestly. I can't even really articulate why, it just... does. So... I've caught up to where you were, and I'll keep listening after you're finished with each one.

[Logically] Knowing as much as we can about what's happening for people when they start being able to use magic gets us a little closer to figuring out why it happens and where it comes from. I feel like... I'm getting close to being able to formulate a theory. Or at least I will be, once I get a few more details.

I know you already told me about when you and Jason first started noticing things, but, if you could go through it again, in detail for me, when we're just able to talk, that would be incredibly helpful. There has to be some commonalities somewhere between all these experiences.

[Sigh] I'm about to try talking to Helen about it again. See if I can find out more about how hers works and when it started. Wish me luck.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Frustrated] Well, that went about as well as expected.

Helen is absolutely certain there's nothing unusual about her ability to soothe people. She says she's just naturally empathic, and she just cares about people, and she enjoys the ASMR feeling she gets from spending time with people and helping them calm down or cheer up.

"There's nothing magical about it, Ricardo," she said to me. "It's just an interesting mix of psychology and physiology. Which I guess is magical in its own way, but it's still very normal." Ugh!

[Sigh] I... don't want to stress her out about it, so I dropped the subject. Again. I don't know if we'll ever be able to convince her that she's able to do something unusual.

I did learn a little more about when it became more common for her to experience, however. We know that she began to use magic after she'd already been here a little while, but apparently it didn't happen suddenly, it came on very gradually. The tingling feeling on her scalp started very small, and just gradually got more and more intense over time - and practise, I'd imagine.

So that's interesting, because that also seems to be the case somewhat with you and Jason, and with your mother. And I mean... I can feel people using magic, I just can't use it myself, which is another odd ingredient in this stew. It seems to imply that there are stages to magic developing.

So... it may be that there's not a single trigger on this. It may be far more complicated than that.

[Firmly] I will keep researching, and I will keep thinking. I'm sure we will find some answers, if we just keep trying.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: Hey baby. So... the weird mama bear intuition thing continues to grow. And it's gotta be a mama bear thing, because I noticed something this week. Well, two things, actually.

The first thing is that I seem to have developed some kind of strange precognition. It's not particularly useful - it only goes like, five minutes into the future, far as I can tell. Which is why I didn't notice it much at first, because it's very similar to just the normal feeling of watching something play out and knowing how it's going to go, you know?

But... it has started to get kind of spooky. Like knowing I'm about to bump into a long lost friend in the outer suburbs, or knowing I'm about to get a phone call from my Mum, things like that. Things I couldn't possibly predict with just general knowledge or observation.

And the other thing is... whatever it is I can do, whether it's seeing five minutes into the future, making a stronger emotional connection with someone, or soothing someone's pain... it's easier, stronger, and more effective if I'm thinking about you.

If I think about you, if I think about what kind of world I want you to grow up in, if I think about the things I would do for you... whatever feeling is coursing through my veins gets stronger. I can feel deeper, I can soothe easier, I can see clearer.

I'm pretty sure this isn't just a mama bear thing, though. I don't recall any of the mothers I've talked to mentioning that they gained superpowers while they were pregnant. Although a few did develop a superhuman sense of smell. [Chuckle]

So... I don't know why this is happening, but... well, I already knew you were a miracle. I guess I'm just starting to learn exactly how big of a miracle you are.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and Instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 77 - Prosperity

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Hey Helen, it's me. Everyone's asleep right now, even Jason.

I was sitting on the lounge, thinking about trying to convince Kane to let us put up fairy lights again, and I was just... overcome with happiness. I know that sounds really corny, but... I was just sitting there, and thinking about the bar, and Kane and Jason, and you, and Storm, and...

I just... god. When did my life get this amazing? How did I get here? And... if this is what life is like now... what's it going to be like later?

I mean... after Sarah and I broke up? I thought that was... it. I was going to be miserable forever. Or at the very least, I'd be alone forever.

[Happy] But I'm not either of those things.

I feel so... lucky. I feel like... I mean, I have a really cool girlfriend, and a best friend I love so much, and... I get to live with people who feel like family, and... every day is fun, here. Even the slow days. Even the sad days are... fine. Because we're all here.

I feel really, really lucky to be here, and... I feel really, really lucky to have you as my closest friend. Thank you so much for being my friend. I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Oh, hey, actually... before I go to bed, there's something else I wanted to say.

[Awkwardly] This is... my first polyam relationship. And... I know that I'll probably fuck up somewhere. But I... feel really safe, knowing that Storm's other partner is you. I feel like... when I do fuck up, it'll be okay. We'll be able to figure it out somehow.

That kind of certainty? Feeling like it'll be okay, even if I fuck up? I've never... had that before. Not in a romantic relationship.

I feel that way about life sometimes, like... I feel like Kane and Jason will always be here for me, but... dating is a whole different thing, and... it's always kind of scary, even when it's good.

So... it's really impressive that I don't feel scared about this.

So I guess... thank you for being my metamor. Because you're really good at that, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Mira, I think we just missed each other. I woke up stupidly early, and got up before anyone else did. Even Kane.

[Sincerely] I know what you mean. About... all of that, actually. I sometimes worry that our friendship is too intense, like... I'm going to break it, somehow. But... you make it easy to forget how anxious I am about that. When we're actually together, I... almost never worry about it. Which, for me, is... kind of a big deal.

Like, for comparison? I'm always worried Storm is going to get tired of me. Or that Ricardo is actually annoyed by me chatting with him late at night. Or that Tom and Brandon secretly hate me, or that Victor thinks I'm annoying, or that Michael thinks I'm pathetic, or that I scare away customers... [Sigh] The list goes on.

So, you know, I do worry about us, too. But I worry about it... less. That's... pretty big, for me. The only other people I don't worry as much about are Kane and Jason, and... believe me, it's taken pretty much the whole time I've known them to start really believing them when they tell me that they care about me.

But now I do believe them. And... I believe you. I still worry... I mean, I always worry. But I'm not scared. Does that make sense? I'm anxious, but... I'm not scared.

I'm glad you're my metamor too. But I'm even more glad that you're my friend.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Jason? It's Helen. Mira and I were... exchanging voicemails, because apparently your voicemail habits are contagious, and... I just realized something.

[Sincerely] I know... I know what happened with your parents upset you. And I think... part of the reason for that is that... family is supposed to stand by you no matter what, right? You're supposed to feel safe with your family. And I never did with mine, so... I understand why that hurts.

Anyway. I realized... I feel like that here.

I know I've already said this to you and Kane in various ways ever since I came here, but... I think it only just sank in for me. I knew that I love you guys, I knew that I love this bar, I knew that I love the people here and care about them, and I know that they care about me too. I love this community, and... it loves me too.

But I never really realized that... I feel safe here. Not just welcome, not just cared about, but really, truly, safe.

I've felt safe here ever since that night when I first burst into tears about you guys letting me stay and you just... reassured me. Kane touched my arm, and you touched my shoulder, and you were both so gentle, and you didn't overwhelm me with words or promises... you were just there for me, and it was so.... pure, and real.

I believed you. I felt accepted, and not just like... not just accepted, but embraced.

I'm not... afraid, any more. I'm not afraid of being alone, or being kicked out, or anything like that. Not any more. I feel safe with you.

I feel like... I know that you'd stand by me, no matter what. Like family is supposed to.

Thank you. Thank you for being my family.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Thoughtfully] Hey baby. Another... really strange thing happened, this week.

I was bathing one of my friends, and he was in a lot of pain. And I just wanted to comfort him, so I placed my hand on his forehead and told him that I was so sorry he was hurting, and it was okay, just relax.

And... [Scoff] oh, god, this is going to sound so unbelievable. But... suddenly I felt like I could feel inside him. Beneath his skin. Between his muscles. As deep as his bones. And I could feel the virus, and all the infections inside him, hurting him.

And I got... I got so angry, baby. I got so angry at this thing in my friend that was making him hurt so much. And I felt like I was... pulsing that anger, all through my body.

But... anger isn't what you need to have, in those moments. Anger is for later. Anger is for the doctors and nurses who refuse treatment. Anger is for the government not doing enough to help.

So I took a deep breath, and I let the anger go. And as I focused on my friend... I felt all my care and compassion towards him run cold through my body, instead. Not... not freezing cold. Gentle cold. Like the water in the bay on a warm day.

I... let that cold flow into him, through my hand on his forehead. And... he sighed, the kind of sigh that only people in tremendous pain can make, that they do when the waves of pain lessen for a moment.

And then he went to sleep. Just like that. For the first time in hours and hours and hours.

I need to know... if that was me. If I did that. If I can do it again.

If I can do this again, if I can do more of it... I could help so many of these people. I could soothe so much pain.

I need to... I need to figure this out. I guess... I guess I'll just try again, next time I'm in the right position to do so.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 76 - We're Here For You

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

STORM: [Angry] Jason, it's Storm. Helen just told me about what happened with your parents. Fuck, my friend, I am so sorry. I'm also angry as hell, and if you need someone to set their lawn on fire or something, you call me, okay? What fucking arseholes. How dare they try and get between you and your family? Your real family, the one loves you? What complete fuckheads.

Fuck 'em. I've got your back and I know everyone else at the bar does too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: [Caring] Hey, Jason, it's Michael. I just heard about your parents.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you, okay? Even if it's just... I don't know. Anything. Even just coming back and hanging out for a while. Or watching the bar if you need a break.

Although, I suppose I do those things anyway. But... let me know if they're needed suddenly, or if there's something I can do for you I don't already do. Anything you think of, you just call me, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Awkwardly] Hey, Jason, it's Mira. I... I've been trying to think of something I can do to help cheer you up, and... I've mostly been coming up dry on ideas.

But... I've been thinking. You know how you keep joking about how if Kane is Papa Bear, then what does that make you? And how come he gets a nickname and you don't? So... I'm gonna put my mind to work, and consult with your nelly boys, and we're gonna come up with a good nickname for you, okay? Something that expresses how much do you for us and how much we love you.

It's not much, but... it's something I can do.

And... you'll let me know if there's anything else I can do, right? Because... I really do want you to feel better. I really do.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Background traffic sounds]

VICTOR: [Emotional] Jason, it's Victor. I just heard about your parents and I'm on my way to the bar.

I don't... I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there, but... you were there for me when my parents were horrible, so... I'm going to be there for you. Don't even try and stop me. I'm going to... to... to do something. Probably hug you. And... oh I don't know. But I'm still coming to see you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Gently] Hi Jason, it's Ricardo.

I was glad to see you go to bed a bit early tonight. I think you probably need it. You've been looking rough these last couple of days.

I know... I know we've all already told you this in person, but... I want to tell you again. If there's anything I can do for you, you let me know, okay? You... you stayed with me, all through hospital, and you've been there for me whenever I've needed you since.

Please... if there's anything I can do, please call on me. I'm here for you, Jason. You are so important to me, and I owe you so much, and... I hate to see you hurting.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: [Gently] Hey, Jason... it's Helen. I just... I just wanted to tell you again, that I'm here for you if you need me.

I know there's not much I can do, but... I'm here. I'm here, and I'm leaving you a voicemail, because I know voicemails are special to you, and... because of that, that means they've sort of become special to me, too. Because you and Kane are so important to me, you're such a big part of my life, and... so much of the good in my life, I'm not sure I'd have, without you.

Everything changed, when I came to this bar. Everything. And I'm grateful for that every single day.

So please. Let me help you however I can. Even if it's just... wiping tables, or making you tea, or something. I just... I want you to feel better. I want you to feel loved.

Because you are. You are so loved, and so valued, and it's ridiculous that your parents can't see and appreciate that. But we're all here for you, even if they're not.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tenderly] Hey honey. I'm glad you to seem to be sleeping well.

Everyone down here is buzzing. The news about your parents is spreading quickly, and well... people are mad about it. Everyone keeps telling me to tell you that they think you're great, and that you shouldn't listen to your cruel parents, and that you're a better person than your parents could ever hope to be.

Sentiments I agree with, incidentally. I... I've been avoiding bagging your parents themselves too much, because I think their behaviour is the problem, but honestly... what kind of parents are so cruel to their kid? I can't... I can't even imagine being so cold to anyone, let alone someone in my own family.

[Fired up] Like... you know what? They should be fucking grateful to have you as their son! You're so kind, and so cheerful, you make friends everywhere you go, you are a partner in a moderately successful business, you're helping the community... you are a fucking perfect child. You are an incredible person, and it makes me so angry and sad that they can't see that about you.

Fuck them. Fuck them, Jason. They don't deserve you.

You are everything good in this world. I love you so much, so deeply, and the fact you love me too honestly makes me have faith in myself in a way I never did before. If you love me, then I know, I know, that I am doing something right.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [Exasperated] [Sigh] Jason, why do you never answer your phone? It's not even early or late right now. It's a perfectly normal phone call hour.

Ugh. Anyway, that's... that's not what I called to say.

[Awkward, Sincere] I called to say... I'm sorry.

Not just for our parents, but... for how... how I haven't been on your side as strongly as I should have been, over the years.

I should have... I should have stood up for you the first time they yelled at you for being gay, when we were teenagers. I should have... I should have stood up for you when they kept saying all those horrible things to you. I should have... done something, when they told you to move out. No... when they threw you out.

[Tearful] God, Jason. I'm so sorry. I should have done more. I should have stood up for you more. I should have been there for you more. I should have done so many things.

[Crying] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you can't. I just... god, I'm so sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Lovingly] Maggie... it's okay. It's okay. You were as scared of them as I was. I understand. I really do.

You're... forgiven. It's okay.

[Tearful] Thank you, though. For being sorry. And for standing up for me now.

I love you. I'm... I'm really glad you're my sister.

[Hangup]

[Cassette noise]

JULIE: I want to tell you something important.

A lot of people in the world, they think a family is a group of people who are related either by blood, or by marriage.

But that's an incomplete answer. Because you see... not all families are related. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes there's marriage, and sometimes there's not. Sometimes families live together, and sometimes they don't.

And you can have a family that's made up of all of the above, too. You can be related to some of your family and married to others. Live with some and not live with others. None of those things dictate whether or not you're a family.

Do you want the complete answer, to what family is?

A family is a group of people who love each other, and who look after each other.

That's it. That's the entire definition.

You can choose your family, or you can inherit it, or you can do both. There's no reason your chosen family can't include people you're related to by blood. And there's no reason you can't consider people you're not related to your family.

All you need to have a family, is someone who you love and who loves you too, and who you can look out for and who looks out for you. That's it. That's all you need. Which means you can have a big family, or a small one, or a complicated one, or a simple one. Families can look like anything. There's no limit, and there's no average.

A family is a group of people who love each other and who look after each other. That's all.

And that's everything.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Storm is voiced by Creatrix Tiara. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 75 - Unexpected Wounds

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [Serious] Jason, it's Maggie. I think Mum and Dad might be planning to call you sometime soon. If they do... [Sigh] Look, maybe just... don't answer the phone. And delete any messages they leave you. Just... trust me, okay?

I hope you and Kane are doing okay. We'll talk again soon.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Maggie, that was an incredibly cryptic message you left me. What's going on? Call me back.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Depressed] Hey Kane, so... I should have listened to my sister.

My parents called this evening, just after you went to bed. I answered the call, despite Maggie's warnings, because I was like... I wanted to know what the hell was going on, right?

I shouldn't have answered it. They... they told me to stay out of Maggie's life. To stop seeing Maggie and her quote-unquote, "real" family. They don't uh... they don't want me "corrupting" their grandchild with my "lifestyle".

I thought... [Tearful] I thought this was over. I thought... I mean, I know they don't accept me, but I thought... I thought we'd come to some kind of truce, you know? We don't talk any more, but we also don't hurt each other any more.

I also thought... I thought I was over feeling hurt about this. I thought they couldn't make me feel bad any more. I stopped caring about what they thought, I got angry at them, I try not to think about them, I thought-- I thought...

[Crying] I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm...

[SFX: [off] door knocking]

HELEN: [off] Jason, what's wrong?

JASON: I need to wake Kane up. Can you watch the bar?

HELEN: [off] Yes, of course. Are you okay?

JASON: No... no I'm not.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Jason. Ricardo and I just closed up the bar. Everything went fine.

[Cautiously] I... I understand if you don't want to talk about what's happening, but... I'm here for you if you need it, okay?

[Awkwardly] I've never... I've never seen you cry before, and... I just... I hope you're feeling better by the time you listen to this.

I love you, okay? We all do. We're all here for you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Gently] Hey honey. I hope... I hope you're sleeping okay. You were still a bit fitful when I got up. Hopefully you settle down for a while.

Helen's really worried about you. So are Ricardo and Mira. And... to be honest, I'm a little worried about you too. I've never seen you break down like you did last night.

But... it's okay that you did, okay? Don't take our concern as an implication you shouldn't be upset, or that you should get over it quickly or something. You absolutely should be upset about this, it's completely fucked. What your parents said to you is cruel.

I know I already told you that last night but I'm telling you again, because it's true, and it's important. You're not upset over nothing here. This is really fucked.

[Sigh] I love you. I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey. I've been okay this evening. Mira made me a literal flower crown to cheer me up, and honestly, it's pretty hard to be super sad while wearing a flower crown.

I'm still... well, I'm not great. I don't know how to deal with this. It's weird, right, because... I thought my parents couldn't hurt me any more. Honestly, truly, I really thought that. I thought that... once I recovered from how they reacted to you at Maggie's wedding, it was like... well, that's definitely a lost cause, right? So I can stop worrying about it.

And it's not even like I was worried about it much in the first place! I've built my life in such a way that my parents' approval does not matter one goddamn bit. I mean... fuck. Remember how I got you to get my Dad to call me to prove you could do magic? At that point he hadn't talked to me in about six years. And aside from the wedding and the phone call yesterday, he hasn't talked to me again since then, either. And I was fine. I was fine! So why the fuck is this hitting me so hard?

I just... I'm upset, and then I'm angry at myself for being upset, and it's this whole stupid circle.

[Sigh] I love you. I'm sorry that you have to deal with me like this.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm sorry.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Jason. Don't be sorry for being upset, or for me helping you when you're upset. That's what I'm here for. It's okay.

Besides, it's only fair, right? I mean, I've spent a lot of our relationship leaning on you for comfort. It's only right that I can do the same for you.

I love you. It's all right. I'm here for you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MAGGIE: [Angry] Jason, it's Maggie. Dad told me that they called you and talked to you.

I am--I am so angry, I can't even think straight. Jason, you listen to me. Fuck them. Fuck them! I love you, and Brad loves you, and our baby is going to love you, and don't you dare stay away from us.

You're my brother and you're part of my family, and I know we don't see each other often, but Jason, please believe me - I want you in my life, I want you in my baby's life.

Please don't stay away. Please.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: Hey there baby. So... that whole "you being more real now that I have a bump" thing? It has had an unexpected side effect.

This week, I found myself having these overwhelming moments of fear. What if I'm a bad mother? What if I screw you up? What if you grow up and you hate me? What if I deserve it?

I got really down on... Monday, I think it was. And Priya came home to find me crying on the couch, tissues everywhere. Apparently I looked a right mess.

It was kind of strange, because... I haven't had any of these fears until this week. It's like they all just came crashing down on me at once. One moment I'm fine, then next moment, I am terrified!

So... I called my mother, your grandmother, to ask about it. I needed to know if she'd had the same fears when she was pregnant with me, you know?

And, unsurprisingly... yes. She'd had the exact same fears. She laughed and told me that she felt like having those fears means you understand the enormity of what it means to be a parent.

So... that's sort of comforting, I guess. I'm normal, for once.

We talked about it some more, and... she told me about some of the mistakes she made with me when I was a kid, and how they still eat her up inside sometimes. And you know the funny thing? I didn't even remember half of them. And the ones I did remember, even the ones that had left a less than ideal impression on me? I understood them. I understood how they happened, I understood where she was coming from when she did whatever she did.

And after a while, she got very sad, and she asked me if I forgave her for her mistakes. And baby, I--I started crying. Of course I forgave her. Of course. People are strange and messy creatures, and we make mistakes, even in child rearing. No one is perfect, not even mothers.

And I realized, it's easy to forgive honest mistakes. When someone is truly sorry, and when you know they did their best, it's easy to forgive them.

But that's the thing - there's a difference between making mistakes, and being a bad parent. I had one of each. My mother was a good parent who made mistakes. My father was a bad parent.

I never once, for a single moment in my life, doubted that my mother loved me and wanted what was best for me. Even when she hated decisions I made, or disagreed with opinions I had, she always gave me the freedom and support to be myself and live my own life. She respects me just as much as she loves me. And because of that, I support and respect her too, and love her so dearly, more than I could express.

My father on the other hand, never showed any love or respect for me. He did not care about me, only himself. The only time he thought of me was when it affected him. So in return, I do not think of him either. He does not deserve my consideration.

And I realized... as long as I love you very hard, as long as I support you in being the best person you can be, as long as I do my best with you and treat you kindly and fairly... I think we'll be okay, baby. I really do. Even if I make mistakes, I think we'll be okay.

I know a lot of people who were disowned by their parents, or hated by their parents, and that's... I never, ever feared that from my mother. And I never want you to fear that from me.

So I promise you, okay? I promise to love you forever, I promise to always be here for you, I promise to always respect you, and I promise I will always support you. Because that is what good mothers do.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 74 - Inheritance

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Surprised] Jason! I've been listening to Mumma's tapes, and... I think maybe she had the same kind of powers that we do!

There's been a couple of subtle things, but... in the most recent one, she described something that sounds just like our ability to feel each other's feelings and soothe people. I'll play the tape for you when you get up.

I'm really... shocked. I mean, people always said she was a witch, but I just... I thought they were being mean, or funny if they were friends of hers. But... from the sounds of it... I think she was. I think she could do the same stuff we can do. She's describing experiences that are a lot like ours.

Not exactly like ours, though. Like... she's also having hallucinations, or... fuck, maybe they're not hallucinations. But she sees people who aren't there, just like... to the side. Maybe they're... I don't know, ghosts or something? I have no idea.

And she says she's been having really accurate intuition, which... I mean, we don't have anything like that, as far as I know. I mean, I guess the feelings we have right before we affect luck is a little bit like that, in that it helps us tip luck in a particular direction, but... that's not really the same thing.

But when she was talking about how she perceives and can affect emotions... that sounds like what we can do, even if the delivery is a bit different.

I... I know we talked about this possibility, way back at the beginning when we were just discovering our magic, but... I don't know. This... this is huge. She might have been like us.

But I keep coming back to something. If she really was a witch, if she really had magic, just like we do...

[Emotional] Why didn't she ever tell me?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Hope you're sleeping okay.

I hope... I hope you have good dreams, and you don't wake up upset wondering about your Mum again.

I... I don't know why she didn't tell you. I wish I did. Maybe we'll find out if we keep listening to the tapes? I mean... you didn't even know these tapes existed, which is kind of weird. Like... you'd think she would have mentioned them to you at some point, even if it was just like, "oh, I recorded some tapes for you back when I was pregnant but they got lost", or something like that.

If it helps at all... not only do we know that she probably had the same magic that we do, but... we know when it appeared. We know it happened... when she was pregnant. Which, okay, when I started out on this train of thought, I was like "maybe we can figure out where it comes from!", but like... I mean, neither of us has ever been pregnant, as far as I know. I mean, obviously I haven't, since I don't have the equipment. So... clearly that wasn't the trigger for us.

So... fuck. What then? What turns this on? Where does it come from?

Ugh, I feel like this discovery has just... left us with more questions than we had before. And the only answer we've found is "yes, Julie Baxter was probably a witch". Which... we already suspected anyway.

[Sigh] Well. We'll figure it out. Hopefully.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey. Quiet morning today, not as many customers as usual. Which is kind of good, because it means I can slink off for a few minutes to leave you a message, and know that Helen won't be overwhelmed watching the bar for a bit.

I... ugh. I know what you mean about more questions. So many more fucking questions.

And I can't... I can't think of anything we have in common with her, in terms of what might have started all this. We weren't the same age, we weren't going through the same things... I don't think we even all went to the same place or something, aside from the fact we all live in Melbourne, which... as far as I know, not every god damn Melburnian can do magic, so... I don't think that's it.

[Sigh] I guess if there are any answers, they'll be in further tapes.

I wish... I wish I felt up to listening to them all at once. I just... can't, though. I just can't. It's too painful. Hearing her again, and... now, knowing that we have something in common that I didn't know about while she was alive, I just... [Tearful breath]

I'm sorry. I'll get through the tapes eventually, I will. It's just... it's so hard to listen to them.

I miss her so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey. I love you. And your mother loved you. So, so much.

And I'll remind you again: you take all the time you need to listen to the tapes. We'll travel this course on your pacing.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [EXCITED] Hi baby! I can kind of see you now! There's a little iddy biddy bump in my belly now. That's you! You're a little bump!!

It's made me really realize... what I'm doing when I make these tapes. I mean... I feel like until now, you've been somewhat theoretical, you know? I'm making recordings for someone that might not be real.

But now... now you're real! Now I can see you, and it's not just on a fuzzy ultrasound! You're here! And that's... also kind of weird, because you're inside me, and that's strange to think about. I know it's natural and all, but... it's still strange. Strange and very, very wonderful.

But, yes. It feels a little odd now, to make recordings for you when I can see you. I mean, I can talk to you anyway. You won't understand me, but... everyone I've talked to who's been pregnant says they're sure babies can still hear us, so... hopefully you still enjoy the sound of my voice, even if you have no idea what I'm on about.

But you know... I like making these tapes. They've become almost... like a diary. But not as extensive, or as serious. Just... a weekly check in. And that's really nice.

I mean, I reckon they'll make a pretty good 21st birthday present, or something like that. I mean, I wish I had something like this from my mum. That would be really amazing.

So, I'm going to keep making these tapes for you. And... I'm probably going to talk to you more in general, now that you're more noticeable.

I love you so much, baby. I can't wait to be able to hear you talk back.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 73 - Relationship Check Ins

[Dial tone]

[Hangup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Gently] Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. I hope you're feeling better.

I wish I was more helpful when you have nightmares. I wish I could just... make them stop. I hope... I hope that being there when you wake up is enough.

I... I care about you. A lot.

I hope you sleep better tonight.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Reassuring] CJ, you are wonderful. It is always enough to have you there when I wake up.

[Self consciously] Thank you for being patient with me. I know it must be hard to be with someone struggling like I am. Especially when I can't stand to be touched when I'm in the worst of it.

But... yes. Having you there means the world to me, trust me. There is nothing more frightening than feeling like I'm alone. You make it easier to come back and stay grounded.

Thank you. I... ah... I care about you too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Nervous-excited] Agh, I'm so nervous, I can't sleep. Storm is picking me up after her shift tomorrow and we're going to go have drinks somewhere, and... [Excited noise]

She's just so handsome, and I'm so nervous! What if she hates me? What if I make a fool of myself? [Despairing noise]

Maybe I should go back downstairs and see if anyone's still awake. Sometimes Ricardo or Jason is still downstairs even after closing.

[Anxious sigh] Sorry to clog your inbox with my anxiety, Papa Bear. I'm just... argh!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. I'm a bit late to bed tonight. Mira came down looking for someone to hang out with for a while, and... honestly, that was kind of great. Mira and I don't often spend much time together one on one.

We played a few board games, and it was actually pretty fun. Even if I did lose every single game. Mira is apparently a much better strategizer than I am.

She's really excited and nervous about her upcoming date. It's really cute, she's all bouncy and bubbly.

Actually, that reminds me - we never did talk about the monogamy thing, huh? Got kind of distracted by Maggie's news, I think.

Since we keep forgetting that while we're both actually awake - what's your stance?

For me? I'm... perfectly happy just with you. I don't feel any need to have any kind of open relationship, not even sexually. But I also feel like... I wouldn't mind, if you wanted that? Like, my biggest concern wouldn't be "oh god he's dating someone else", it would be more like... "oh god, if he's dating someone else, will he still have enough time for me?"

Anyway... let me know where you're at on all that when you wake up. Then we can officially tick this off our relationship housekeeping list.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Yeah... I'm pretty much at the same place you are. I'm happy just with you, and like... also, your worry isn't wrong, I mean... I don't really feel like either of us really has the time to date anyone else. We're pretty much always busy.

I think... I think I'd like to be able to have this conversation again at a later point though. Like, if someone really amazing came along, for either of us - or both of us, I guess, since that's possible too - I'd like to be able to consider it, you know? Does that make sense?

Hey, you know... while we're covering basic relationship housekeeping that we've otherwise missed... between Sarah and Mira's breakup, my mother's tapes, and now Maggie's pregnancy... I realized that we've never discussed whether or not we want kids.

I... am not sure where I stand on that one. I've swung between wanting kids and not wanting kids a lot in my life, and... I'm still not really firmly on either side. I do think that... even if I do end up deciding I'd like kids... now is definitely not the time for it, you know? Like, even aside from the whole "we should really be sure before we commit to that" angle, it's kind of like the idea of dating anyone else - we're too busy with everything we have right now. We've got other stuff to focus on.

How about you? Where do you stand on kids?

Hm, I should tend some customers. Love you. We'll probably talk about this more when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey gorgeous. I gotta say, I really like it when Michael's on a later shift and I get to snuggle with you a bit before you go to sleep. The biggest flaw with our different sleep schedules is that there's not as much time for bed cuddles.

I'm really glad we're on the same wavelength about monogamy and kids. I mean, it's makes sense, right? If it hasn't come up until now, there couldn't have been too big of an incompatibility.

I'll be honest, I'm still leaning more towards a no than a yes on kids, but... hey, we can get our kid fix with our upcoming nibling, right?

I'm starting to feel way less freaked out about that, by the way. I guess I just... I don't know. Being a kid is hard. I don't want to contribute to some kid's life being harder than it already will be, you know? I mean, fuck, you couldn't pay me to be a kid again. It sucked.

It's weird, right, because... getting older is meant to be this hard and tragic thing. Like, you're supposed to get really scared of your mortality or whatever from the moment you hit age 30. Everyone's always like "oh no, I've got a grey hair" or something, but like... I don't know, the older I get, the better my life gets. I get smarter, I get more comfortable, I get happier. I know myself better. I know the world around me better. I have a bigger network, I feel like I can affect things more. Make more of a difference.

Eh, I don't know. Getting older rules and being a kid sucked, I guess is all I'm saying.

[SFX: Door opens]

Oh hey, Mira's back! I'm gonna go bother her for details about her date. Love you!

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Thoughtful] Hey baby. You know, I think my mama bear instincts are starting to kick in. I keep having these really strong gut feelings about stuff. And they're always right. Ever since I found out about you. I guess maybe there's something to the whole 'mother's intuition' thing, huh?

I've also been able to read people better. Like... I can know how people are feeling a lot faster and more accurately than I used to.

It's been surprising for everyone, believe me. Apparently it's super awkward when I can tell someone is lying about how they're feeling but I don't know they're trying to lie about it. I have caused some very uncomfortable situations.

Which is not great, but I mean... it's also made it easier to talk to people sincerely. Making meaningful connections with people is easier than it ever has been. I feel like I can touch people's emotions and we can shape our feelings together. It's beautiful.

In much weirder pregnancy side effects, or at least what I assume are pregnancy side effects... I keep seeing flickers of... something. I keep thinking I see people, just out of the corner of my eye. But when I look for them, or try to focus on them, nothing's there. I've never heard of hallucinating during pregnancy before, but I guess it must be a thing, because it's only happened since you came along.

[Sigh] Ah, that one's a bit of a pain. And it's definitely made a few people look at me weirdly when I've gone to move out of the way or smile at someone, and it turns out there's no one there. I'm the weird lady on the tram a lot these days. But that's okay. You're okay if your Mumma's a weird tram lady, right? I mean, there are worse things to be.

I have to say, I'm kind of fond of these strange happenings, though. It's like I have super powers or something. I'm pretty good with that, because frankly, I think I'd make an excellent superhero. The mighty Julie, stumbling through the streets like a dog on stilts! Making uncomfortably earnest emotional connections with random strangers!

[Laugh] Okay, so my story needs a little work. That's fine. We've got time. And hey, who knows, maybe you'll be a superhero when you grow up, too!

[Click]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]