The Amelia Project: Percy, Part 2

The Amelia Project is a comedy audio drama podcast by Imploding Fictions (NO/FR) produced in association with Open House Theatre (AT). Passer Vulpes Productions collaborated on Percy, Part 2. All copyrights per their respective owners, reproduced with permission from Imploding Fictions

PIP: Hello, I'm Pip!

OYSTEIN: And I'm Oystein,

PIP: And we're back! With this World Audio Drama Day Special of The Amelia Project.

OYSTEIN: Happy World Audio Drama Day, everyone! Hope you're spending it bingeing lots of great podcasts!

PIP: One quick note before you start this episode, It's not a normal episode of the Amelia Project. It's a continuation of Episode Nine, "Percy", so if you haven't listened to that episode, or if it's been a while and you don't remember it so well, we suggest you listen to Episode Nine, "Percy", first before you start this one.

OYSTEIN: Right, it's time to pour yourself a large mug of cocoa, sit back, and enjoy!

[BACKGROUND FX: The hustle and bustle of thousands of people. Trains whistling, ships honking, buses parked with their engines on, planes taking off. It's like a train station/dock/airport/ bus station all in one. There are also weird noises like trumpeting elephants marching by, the growls of scary predators, fluttering of wings and the tingling sound we've come to associate with magic wands. The footsteps of creatures of all shapes and sizes. a tannoy system shouts constant messages.]

TANNOY VOICE: We need broken limbs at gate thirteen. Anybody with broken limbs, please hobble along to gate thirteen for a plane crash with survivors. First come first served.

[FX: A whoosh and a pop, as Percy and the Interviewer land in Grand Character Central.]

PERCY: Wow! What just happened?

INTERVIEWER: Congratulations Percy, you are now officially out of that pretentious podcast The Amelia Project.

TANNOY VOICE: Astronauts to the launch site for a one way expedition to Mars!

PERCY: This is amazing!

INTERVIEWER: I know!

PERCY: Is that a -

INTERVIEWER: Zombie? Yes, I think so.

PERCY: And over there!

INTERVIEWER: Behind the aliens? Looks like Huguenots.

PERCY: And that's a Jedi! A real Jedi! Just sitting there on a bench, oh next to the grandma with a bazooka. I love it! You've found the perfect place for me!

INTERVIEWER: Oh! no, no, no, no, no. You can't stay here.

PERCY: Why not? This place is perfect! It's clearly been created by someone with an extreme imagination! In a place like this... I could be anyone!

INTERVIEWER: Sorry, but we're not in a new writer's imagination yet.

PERCY: We're not?

INTERVIEWER: No.

PERCY: Oh. Well then... what is this place?

TANNOY VOICE: Pirates needed at landing stage seven for a mutiny aboard the Jolly Rodger.

INTERVIEWER: This, Percy, is where ideas come from. Character ideas, more specifically.

PERCY: What??

INTERVIEWER: Welcome to Grand Character Central! Nearly all characters travel via this place on their way to whatever story they are about to appear in.

PERCY: That would mean I've been here before... But I don't remember it. How could I forget a place like this?

INTERVIEWER: Ah yes, I said "nearly all". You're so, ahem, underdeveloped, you probably came from somewhere else.

PERCY: Where? Where did I come from?

INTERVIEWER: Some characters are discovered among the dregs in Rum Reservoir.

PERCY: [Disgusted sigh] You're saying I'm just a drunken idea?

[FX: The Amelia Project pips start]

INTERVIEWER: Well yes, but never mind that now! A new life awaits! You're at Grand Character Central! From here, you can travel anywhere! Into the mind of any writer you can imagine!

PERCY: H.P. Lovecraft?

INTERVIEWER: No, Alive, they have to be alive.

TANNOY VOICE: All fireworms to meeting point D, there's an urgent need for a fireworm attack in the new George R.R. Martin novel.

INTERVIEWER: Percy, are you ready?

PERCY: Wait, where are you sending me?! Where are we going?

[MUSIC: The Amelia theme kicks in. A burst of static and the theme starts disintegrating.]

OYSTEIN: What?! What's going on? Oystein?

PIP: I don't know! I don't know what's happening!

[MUSIC: The theme is ambushed by the Victoriocity theme which drowns Pip and Oystein out.]

INTRO VOICE: Victoriocity, by Chris and Jen Sugden.

[MUSIC: The Victoriocity theme continues]

[BACKGROUND FX: Police station ambience, phones ringing, general hubbub]

[FX: Intercom click]

KELLER: [Shouting] Miss Wolferton!

[FX: Door opens. Noise of police station leaks in.]

MISS WOLFERTON: Chief Inspector, you buzzed. And shouted.

KELLER: Yes. What now, Miss Wolferton?

MISS WOLFERTON: You called me.

KELLER: I meant "What now?" As in, "We've been at this from 7 in the morning until 9 at night for a week. How many more are there?"

MISS WOLFERTON: Detectives?

KELLER: They're not detectives until I damned well say so.

MISS WOLFERTON: Prospective detectives. Prospectives.

KELLER: I hate this.

MISS WOLFERTON: I know, but you need to hire some of them.

KELLER: What possible reason would make me do that?

MISS WOLFERTON: They can help solve some of the many, many, many crimes?

KELLER: Not that many! You make it sound as though there are too many.

MISS WOLFERTON: There are too many. Have you seen the board?

KELLER: I thought the board fell down.

MISS WOLFERTON: It did. Under the weight of the–

KELLER: Crimes, yes. Look, Miss Wolferton–

MISS WOLFERTON: There's only one left. He only appeared a moment ago. What was your name?

PERCY: [off] Oh! Um, Percy.

MISS WOLFERTON: A Constable Percy.

PERCY: [off] No, not constable, I'm just–

KELLER: Send him in!

MISS WOLFERTON: [off] Right this way.

[FX: Footsteps. Door closes.]

KELLER: Hmm...

PERCY: Hello, I'm very sorry, but–

KELLER: Not yet you're not. Let's take a look at your examination. Perry, was it?

PERCY: Percy.

KELLER: Keller.

PERCY: No, Percy.

KELLER: I'm Keller, you halfwit. Detective Chief Inspector.

PERCY: Right.

KELLER: Examination?

PERCY: No, I'm alright thanks.

KELLER: Where is your detective examination?

PERCY: I don't have one.

KELLER: It's not looking good, Petri.

PERCY: It's Percy, and–

KELLER: Date of birth.

PERCY: May 10th, nineteen eighty-

KELLER: Nineteen? What the blazes are you talking about man?

PERCY: Look, there's been a misunderstanding.

KELLER: At last we are on the same page, Peatley!

PERCY: It's Percy, and I–-

KELLER: Consider this, Perty.

PERCY: It's Percy.

KELLER: Perty, you've been called to a residence where a man lies slain in his own bathtub.

PERCY: Good god!

KELLER: Quite. The wife is hysterical. The housekeeper is hysterical. The children are, mercifully, at boarding school. Walk me through the solution.

PERCY: Well, I'd phone the police immediately!

[Pause]

KELLER: Care to try that again?

PERCY: Oh. I am the police.

KELLER: We'll see how it goes, but for this scenario, assume you are indeed still the police.

PERCY: Well, I would interrogate the wife.

KELLER: What makes you so sure it was the wife?

PERCY: Isn't it often the spouse in this sort of thing?

KELLER: What sort of thing is that?

PERCY: Murder?

KELLER: Yes, and how many murder cases have you been on?

PERCY: None.

KELLER: So your intuition is guided by...

PERCY: Books?

KELLER: And while you are reading your books...

PERCY: I'm learning about solving crimes?

KELLER: While you are reading your books, the dead man's valet, who you did not notice had beads of sweat on his brow from the exertion of murdering his employer, is making a break for it!

PERCY: Did you say there was a valet?

KELLER: Did you say you were a simpleton!

PERCY: Now look here!

[FX: Intercom click]

MISS WOLFERTON: [Through intercom] Yes?

KELLER: Miss Wolferton, kindly open the door. Mr Portly will be traveling through it at high speed shortly.

PERCY: It's Percy. Wait, what?

KELLER: This is how you solve crimes? Fanciful fiction? [FX: Door opens] Find any poor woman who fits the bill and send them to the hangman's noose? You make me sick. Get out of my sight!

[FX: Footsteps as percy hurries out of the door. Door slams. Louder police station ambience.

MISS WOLFERTON: Thank you for coming to see us, Constable Percy. We'll be in touch.

INTERVIEWER: How did it go?

PERCY: This isn't the right place for me!

INTERVIEWER: It's a very popular podcast. It's a neo Victorian detective comedy and they're looking for a new character! I mean Percy, you could be the star detective in their second season!

PERCY: A podcast? I said I didn't want to be in another podcast!

INTERVIEWER: [Groan] Where would you like to go?

PERCY: I don't know! Just get me out of here! Quick!

[FX: Whoosh, then a pop]

[FX: Pickup sound]

[FX: Beep]

PERCY: Hi... Eh - Jason? Or, Kane? Apparently I've reached a bar or something... and there was this Australian voice saying that Jason and Kane live above the... bar? I'm a bit confused... I came here with a... a guide... and I can't see him anywhere and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing... Er, I'm in a phone booth. I might be standing right across the street from your bar, actually? The Best of Luck Bar? It looks closed... Well, it seems to be the wee hours of the morning, so- Oh lord, there's a koala! I'm definitely in Australia then. Eh... when you hear this, if an Englishman arrives in a pin striped suit, would you just tell him to call me back? I think I'm just going to stay here for now. That's probably for the best. Er, Thank you.

[FX: Dial tone]

[FX: Pickup sound]

INTRO: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[MUSIC: Love and Luck podcast theme]

[FX: Pickup sound]

[FX: Beep]

INTERVIEWER: Percy, I've brought you to a wonderful place called Love and Luck. Yes, it's another podcast, but it's great! It's about these two gay men who open up a bar. And they can do magic! It's probably one of the most inclusive and heartwarming podcasts around! I think you'll be very happy here.

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

PERCY: I'm not leaving this phone booth. So far I've seen one kangaroo, two dingos and a lizard with a blue tongue! Why did you bring me here? Why are we only communicating through voice mail? What is going on?

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

INTERVIEWER: The whole show is told through voice mails! It's super clever right?

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

PERCY: I can only speak through voice mails? For the rest of my life? Are you kidding me? I wanted to be a fully fledged character, not just a voice saying "Hi there, it's me, call me back!"

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

INTERVIEWER: It's really not like that. You can say anything via a voice mail. Declare your love! Come out to your dad! Argue! Make up! Just try it out!

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

PERCY: [High pitched scream] There's a spider inside the phone booth! It's right next to the door, I can't get out! Help me! Get me out of here! Please! Help--

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

INTERVIEWER: [Exasperated sigh] Fine.

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

JASON: Hey, Kane, ah... there was a really weird message on the bar's voicemail that I just noticed, did you catch it? From this English person? He sounded really confused, he said he was in the phone booth on the other side of the road, but... [chuckle] I mean, that hasn't been a phone booth for years, right? It's just a wifi hotspot now. I don't know. Did you see anyone new come in today? Maybe with a British accent? I'd like to help this guy, if we can figure out where he is.

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

KANE: Hey Jason. No, I didn't meet anyone new yesterday from England. If this guy does show up and he really does need our help, obviously we'll definitely be there for him. But... it might've just been a prank, you know? I mean... he was talking about koalas and kangaroos and stuff, and the last time I checked, the only place to find those in the inner city is at the zoo. So don't worry too much, okay? I love the fact that your instinct is to help people, though.

Oh, and... I don't want to worry you, but when I came downstairs this morning, there was a dirty mug on the counter in the kitchen. And it wasn't left there by one of our boarders. It looks like someone else has been in the bar during the night. Now, don't worry - I checked, and nothing has been stolen, and all the doors were locked. Whoever it was seems to have just... appeared and disappeared. All they did was drink a cup of cocoa and break a saucer.

[FX: Hangup sound]

[FX: Beep]

JASON: Hey, maybe he thought a possum was a koala. I mean, they're both cute grey furry marsupials that make the most god awful noises when they have sex. Easy mistake to make? Oh and, Kane... Why would you say "cocoa"? It's called "hot chocolate" isn't it?

[FX: Hangup sound]

PIP: They've disappeared!

OYSTEIN: What?

PIP: From the script! Percy and the Interviewer have disappeared right out of this document! God knows where they are!

OYSTEIN: Percy wanted a new writer!

PIP: You think he's in another audio drama?

OYSTEIN: It would be disrespectful.

PIP: Like they're cheating on us!

OYSTEIN: We have to get them back before they start making a fool of us in other podcasts!

[FX: Whoosh, then a pop]

[FX: A big splash, with some big bubbles blooping up. Sounds of thrashing in the water]

PERCY: Blergh! Phey!

INTERVIEWER: Argh ! Ptew!

PERCY: What the...? Where are we? Where are we, It stinks!

INTERVIEWER: I'm not entirely sure. [Retching] From our immediate surroundings, I deduce that we are -

PERCY: We're in a bog! A stinky, smelly bog!

MAGNUS: [Humming an angry melody, more hissed through his teeth than actually hummed.]

PERCY: Quiet! Someone's coming!

MAGNUS: Du-du-du-du-I-hate-my-job... [mimics Alba's voice] "Chores build character"... "You have to earn your keep..." Sure, but what about Holly? Why can't she empty the... Hngh! [strains as he lifts the heavy chamber pot] ...bedpans sometimes! Hngh!

[FX: Sound of a massive piss pot right on percy and the interviewer's head. More sputtering and spitting.]

PERCY: Argh ! Blurgh.

INTERVIEWER: Ptew. Prfff.

MAGNUS: Whoa! Swamp people!

INTERVIEWER: Swamp People? No we're not!

MAGNUS: What the heck are you doing in the leech pond?

PERCY: I think the more important question is why are you emptying a piss pot on our heads?!

MAGNUS: Because it's... closer than the river, that's why! [Lowers his voice] Uh, listen... don't tell my boss, okay?

INTERVIEWER: Could you please tell me where it is we have landed?

MAGNUS: Uh... in the pond. Behind the House of Healing. Do you have an appointment?

HERALD: [Clears Throat] By appointment to the King and Queen: Alba Salix, Royal Physician!

[MUSIC: Opening theme of Alba Salix]

[BACKGROUND FX: Outside forest sounds]

INTERVIEWER: House of Healing? Are we in a hospital?

PERCY: Have you just emptied the piss of sick people on my head?

MAGNUS: Well... No. Not just people. There's some ogre and goblin in there... oh, and centaur!

PERCY: Agh ! Ugh! Agh !

MAGNUS: Sorry, sorry. I know they're all "people". Non-human people. Whatever.

PERCY: I need to get out of this bog. Now!

MAGNUS: Technically, it's a pond...

PERCY: Help me then, come on! I'm stuck.

MAGNUS: You gotta be kidding. All right. Here.

[FX: Magnus heaves, and a squishy, sucky sound, as the bog gives.]

MAGNUS: Come on, you too.

[FX: Magnus heaves again, and a squishy, sucky sound, as the bog gives.]

INTERVIEWER: Thank you. Ogres and goblins, you said? What sort of place have we landed in?

MAGNUS: Landed?

INTERVIEWER: What's this place called?

MAGNUS: It's Grandville. Capital of Farloria? Wow, you guys must be a long way off course.

INTERVIEWER: You could say that.

PERCY: A shower! Is there a shower anywhere? I need a shower!

MAGNUS: A what?

PERCY: Oh! There's a river! [Runs off laughing maniacally]

MAGNUS: No! Dude, the river is... [FX: A big splash] [Sigh] The river is where pretty much the whole town dumps their sewage.

PERCY: [From far off] What? This water is... algrhgrh!

[FX: In the background Percy is splashing about in the water trying to swim ashore as quickly as possible.]

PERCY: Argh ! Ugh! Ah, it went in my mouth!

MAGNUS: Oh boy. So... you said you "landed". Did you fly here? You don't have wings...

INTERVIEWER: There are many ways of flying.

MAGNUS: So that mean... Oooooh! Are you a wizard?

INTERVIEWER: [Laughs] Well I don't like to boast but...

MAGNUS: Do you, like, throw fireballs? Or summon demons?

INTERVIEWER: [Almost bursting with happiness] I make people disappear.

MAGNUS: Like... a magical assassin?

INTERVIEWER: No! No no no no no! I help people to fake their own deaths and vanish without a trace.

MAGNUS: No way! That's your job?

INTERVIEWER: Oh yes. Right now, I'm trying to find a new home for Percy over there. He's being very difficult about it.

MAGNUS: Maybe you could help me out? 'Cause my job here is the worst. I work for this witch who treats me like a slave, and I'm not allowed to leave because I'm doing community service...

INTERVIEWER: Is that Grandville over there? I'd love a little stroll around. Could you recommend a nice place for refreshments?

MAGNUS: Yeah! We should totally go for a drink and discuss this disappearing thing. There's a place across the river called the Axe and Crown. It's pretty cheap, and they won't mind too much if you're covered in... you know.

INTERVIEWER: Do they have cocoa?

MAGNUS: Ahh... Yeah, it's called cocoa, though I don't think there's any actual chocolate in it.

[FX: Percy is out of the water and approaching.]

PERCY: [Off] Hrm. Listen...

INTERVIEWER: Apparently there's a pub we should try, it's called -

PERCY: We're off.

INTERVIEWER: But Percy! This seems to be a magical land! It could be very exciting!

PERCY: Off. Now.

INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry, but it seems we have to leave. It's been a pleasure.

[FX: Whoosh and a pop]

MAGNUS: Wait! Wait! You guys! Come back! I want to disappear too! Guys...? Wizardly guys? Dangit.

OYSTEIN: I've been binging on audio dramas trying to find them...

PIP: Any leads?

OYSTEIN: [Quite fast] I searched every inch of Night Vale, then, on my way to Desert Bluffs, I took a quick detour through Uncanny County where sheriff Rowland told me to check out Limetown, but there was no-one there. I don't know where to look next.

PIP: Percy's been nothing but trouble. We should never have written him.

OYSTEIN: Once we get him back into the script, let's delete him!

PIP: Good idea. But we have to catch him first!

PERCY: A goat needs about two to four pounds of hay per day. Does that make every day a goat's heyday? It's Goat in - [Bleats loudly] Maaahhhhh ! What the...?!

[MUSIC: Girl In Space theme tune]

[FX: The click of a tape recorder interrupts the theme]

[BACKGROUND FX: Space station hum]

X: Here.

PERCY: Mahhh !

X: Chew on this.

[FX: Percy munches hay]

X: There you go. Chew on that hay whilst I... attach this little gadget here... behind your ear... and in a moment you should be able to... speak you mind... So, hi there, dear listener, it's me again. It's day 9 mark 304, hour zero four thirty one. I'm conducting a little experiment today on one of my closest friends. Are you as excited as I am to see if this works? In a second now I will be turning this machine on for the very first time...

[FX: Turning of a knob]

X: There.

PERCY: Mahhh - ah... ahh? Awh. Oh. Eh...? Hay?

X: Hey!

PERCY: Hay?

X: Hey there Daisy!

PERCY: Hay?

X: Hey!

PERCY: Hay?

X: Yes, hey.

PERCY: HAAAY!

X: Uh, Yes. Hey.

PERCY: HAAAAY! HAAAAY!

X: I think that's enough greetings for now, perhaps we should find another subject to talk about?

PERCY: HAY!! Mahhh! Mahhh!!

X: Oh, perhaps you're saying... hay? Well, I guess it's not that surprising that "hay" would be your first word. After all most of your life has been spent chewing. And you've got a lot of milk to produce, so that I can make some delicious Feta cheese... Here you go. Munch on this.

[FX: Percy munches more hay]

X: So, Daisy, tell me: How is life with wool and hoofs? Are you generally excited about what life has to offer? Do you ever have nightmares about being fed to a T-Rex, or are you perhaps looking to expand your horizon, travel, see the world...

PERCY: Where...?

X: Oh! Another word! We're making progress! "Where"? Well, you're on the space station Cavatica, more specifically in the Glasshouse pod.

PERCY: What...? Who...? How...?

X: You know, Daisy, I ask myself exactly those questions nearly every day.

PERCY: Mahhh! Mahhh!

X: Why are you still bleating? Hm. The speech translator can't be working exactly as I planned. I'm just going to adjust this... Oh, I left the flathead in the other room. Just a moment, Daisy, I'll be right back.

[FX: X walks off, leaving her tape recorder behind.]

[FX: Girl in Space scene change wail]

PERCY: What the... I have hooves! What is this?! Who am I? Where am I?!

[FX: A whirring sound as an AI enters on a mechanical arm.]

INTERVIEWER: [Speaking like Charlotte the AI from Girl in Space] Hi there - [FX: AI thinking ticking] Percy! How are you doing?

PERCY: Wait... it's you? You're a robot -

INTERVIEWER: I'm an - [FX: AI thinking ticking] AI!

PERCY: We're on a space station! I said somewhere on Earth didn't I? I don't like Sci Fi!

INTERVIEWER: This isn't just any Sci Fi! You're starring in a spin off series to one of the best sci-fi pod- um, dramas out there. The spin off is called [FX: AI thinking ticking] Goat in Space! It's set before the beginning of [FX: AI thinking ticking] Girl in Space.

PERCY: Starring? I'm starring?

INTERVIEWER: A star - in space! Ha ha.

PERCY: Starring as who?

INTERVIEWER: The main character. Daisy, everybody's favorite talking goat!

PERCY: [Pause] I'm a goat?

INTERVIEWER: A talking goat.

PERCY: I am... a goat?!

INTERVIEWER: Yes! In space! [FX: AI thinking ticking] Space adventures! Exploring the universe. Meeting aliens! It's dramatic, action packed, melancholy, funny...

PERCY: I don't want to be a goat!

INTERVIEWER: Aural receptors malfunctioning.

PERCY: What?

INTERVIEWER: Aural receptors malfunctioning.

PERCY: Are you kidding me?

INTERVIEWER: And look at the view!

PERCY: I am looking, and it's terrifying! It's just... It's just black!

INTERVIEWER: There's Ra! It's spectacular.

PERCY: Listen. I want to feel the ground under my hooves - feet! Feet! I want feet again! This is not what I signed up for. Now please get us out of here!

INTERVIEWER: [Back to normal voice] Argh. Fine. No one is going to listen to this show anyway, if you stick with that attitude. So much for everyone's favorite goat...

[BACKGROUND FX fades out]

OYSTEIN: How are you doing Pip? Any luck yet?

PIP: I spent hours hanging around in Dr. Bright's waiting room. In the end I got fed up and went to Piffling. Thought I might find them at Agatha Doyle's Broken Tooth, but no luck. I picked up some Memento Mori chocolates though.

OYSTEIN: [Pause] Wait a minute. Chocolate!

PIP: What?

OYSTEIN: That's how we get them back! We lure the Interviewer back by namedropping some really decadent chocolate!

PIP: You think that will work?

OYSTEIN: If we make it irresistible enough!

PIP: Can I use the word "ambrosial?" I've always wanted to use the word "ambrosial."

OYSTEIN: Sure.

[FX: Sound of typing]

PIP: "The cocoa was thick and velvety, its ambrosial scent an overture to the celestial symphony of sweet bliss waiting to... enrapture the taste buds. This cocoa, was the result of the combined wisdom of the most prestigious chocolatiers of Paris, Bruges, Basel and Vienna. It-

[FX: Whoosh and a pop in background]

OYSTEIN: I think I just heard something! [FX: Doorbell rings] Oh my god! I think it's them!

PIP: I'll go get the door. [off] Hello.

INTERVIEWER: [off] Hello!

PERCY: [off] Where are we?

INTERVIEWER: [off] It's Paris.

PERCY: [off] This is Paris?

INTERVIEWER: [off] Well it's the suburbs.

PIP: [off] Welcome!

PERCY: [off] And who's he? He doesn't look trustworthy. I dislike this genre already.

INTERVIEWER: [Coming into the room] Is that the ambrosial scent of cocoa hitting my nostrils?

OYSTEIN: It sure is! We've just made a pot. Would you like some?

INTERVIEWER: I never say no to a good cup of the old choccy choc choc.

PERCY: There must be better places to go, surely!

OYSTEIN: Here we go I've set out two cups right over there by the laptop...

INTERVIEWER: Come on Percy just one cup and then we can go wherever you-

OYSTEIN: Got you!

INTERVIEWER: What do you mean, got you?

[Oystein laughs]

PIP: You're back in our script!

PERCY: What?! What's happening?!

INTERVIEWER: Don't stress Percy. Relax. Would you like some cocoa?

PERCY: Yes, with three spoonfuls of sugar please. Actually, make that four.

PIP: One... two... three... four. There you go! You better enjoy, because I'm about to delete you.

PERCY: No! You can't do that! Not after all I've been through! Get me out of here!

INTERVIEWER: [Sound of interviewer gorging himself on cocoa]

PERCY: Hey! Hey! Are you listening to me?

INTERVIEWER: Good lord! This is the best written cocoa I've ever had!

PIP: And.... [FX: Hits delete key] That's the end of that.

INTERVIEWER: Oh good. It was getting exhausting. He was never satisfied!

PIP: Now we can get this podcast back on track and focus on normal episodes.

INTERVIEWER: Not too normal though! Normality is so boooooring!

PERCY: [MUFFLED] Hey! Hey! Hey! Get me out of here!

PIP: Oh, I better empty the trash. [FX: KEYSTROKE, FOLLOWED BY CRINKLING PAPER SOUND] There we go. That should do it.

OYSTEIN: Now you better get back to the office. Alvina is waiting for you.

INTERVIEWER: Can I take some of that...

PIP: Take the whole pot.

INTERVIEWER: Oooooh thank you! Well, Toodle-oo!

[FX: Whoosh and a pop]

ALVINA: Ah!

INTERVIEWER: Ah!

ALVINA: Gosh! Don't just jump out at me like that!

INTERVIEWER: Sorry!

ALVINA: There's a door, next time, knock!

INTERVIEWER: [Relieved sigh]. Ooh! What are you eating?

ALVINA: Scones.

INTERVIEWER: May I have one--

ALVINA: [Indignant] No! [Pause] Scones are my cocoa! Where on earth have you been?

INTERVIEWER: [Sigh] It's a long story.

ALVINA: Well, as you say yourself, there's [Overlap with next line] always time for a story.

INTERVIEWER: [Overlap] always time for a story, you're absolutely right Alvina. [Pause] But first I want a scone.

ALVINA: Oh here you go.

INTERVIEWER: Oh goody! Now, are you sitting comfortably?

ALVINA: Um... yes.

[FX: The Amelia pips fade in]

INTERVIEWER: Good, because this is a tale of detectives and koalas and robots and magicians and murderous valets.

ALVINA: Good grief. All in one story? Sounds a bit... overblown?

[FX/MUSIC: The Amelia Pips pick up backing instrumentals, slowly becoming the start of the full Amelia Theme]

INTERVIEWER: It's a story about bogs and bazookas and bars and bedpans. It's a story about stars and spiders and space stations. It's a story about Norwegians and Australians and witches and goats and writers and Girls in Space. And most importantly, it's a story about... [MUSIC: Halts] cocoa.

[MUSIC: Amelia theme crashes in, a version with elements from the themes of Victoriocity, Alba Salix, Love and Luck, Girl In Space]

PIP: We hope you've enjoyed this World Audio Drama Day Special! This Episode is dedicated to the Audio Drama community, and featured some of our favourite shows, including Victoriocity, Alba Salix, Love and Luck, and Girl in Space. Check out these brilliant shows wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to a special extended version of this episode by becoming a Patron of the Amelia Project, and pledging just a few dollars per episode. Go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast, that's Patreon, P A T R E O N, dot com, slash amelia podcast, all one word, to make your pledge, support the show, and listen to an extended version of this episode, which sees Percy and the Interviewer end up in some other genres, such as medical drama, a fantasy movie, and more.

The Amelia Project is created by Phillip Thorne and Øystein Brager, and music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This Episode featured Tom Middler as Percy, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Tanja Milojevic as the voice of Grand Character Central, Jen Sugden as Ms. Wolverton, Chris Sugden as Chief Inspector Keller, Julian Sark as Magnus, Erin Kyan as Jason, Lee Davis-Thalbourne as Kane, Sarah Werner as X, and Julia C Thorne as Alvina. The Victoriocity theme is composed by John Owen, The Alba Salix theme is composed by Eli McIlveen, and the Girl in Space theme is Sad Past by Silent Partner. Graphic Design by Anders Petersen, and a big thank you to Dominic Hargreaves and Gabriel Geber for recording assistance. You can find full credits on our website, and you can get in touch with us on twitter, where we are @amelia_podcast. Bye for now, and hope to welcome you back to Amelia soon.

[FX/MUSIC: Amelia pips continue to fade out after credits into Epilogue]

INTERVIEWER: Well, have you finished? What do you think?

ALVINA: Well, "Pip" sounds like a Dickens rip off and "Oystein"?

INTERVIEWER: Yes?

ALVINA: Well come on, that just sounds plain wrong.

INTERVIEWER: Well, I couldn't get those characters to work anyway. You know what? I think I'll just delete them.

ALVINA: Good idea.

[FX: Keystrokes]

INTERVIEWER: Maybe I'll try my hand at a novel next!

ALVINA: We're going through a dry period, I know. But I'm sure we'll have a new case for you to put your mind to soon. It's just a question of time.

INTERVIEWER: Or poetry, yes. You know what, Alvina? I should write poetry.

ALVINA: [Almost in panic] Or how about painting?

INTERVIEWER: Oh god no.

ALVINA: Cooking?

INTERVIEWER: Cooking? er...

ALVINA: Collecting stamps?

INTERVIEWER: I've collected all the stamps, Alvina, I'm so bored!

ALVINA: Taxidermy?

INTERVIEWER: [Mumbling] Well, I s'pose--

ALVINA: Sport?

INTERVIEWER: [Laughs] Sport?! [Pause] Oh good god, were you serious?

ALVINA: Uh...

[FX: Old fashioned phone rings]

ALVINA: Oh thank god.

[FX: The ringing fades into the distance]

Kalila Stormfire's Economical Magick Services; The Initiate Files: Case Four

This episode takes place between episodes 45 and 46 of Love and Luck.

[FX: Beep]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Congratulations. You have won a free tarot reading from [Kalila's voice] "Kalila Stormfire". You will be receiving an email with the necessary contact information. If you are overseas, no phone fee applies. Please call [Kalila's voice] "Kalila" directly for further information. Thank you and again, congratulations.

[FX: Dial Tone]

[FX: Pickup]

KANE: Uh... hi, is this Kalila Stormfire? This is Kane Baxter, I just got a message that I won a free tarot reading from you? Which is kind of weird, because I have an ad blocker on my computer, but... well, it’s not the first time my luck has been a little... exceptional.

Um... this actually came at a really good time. I say that because... I could really use a sign or something, right now. I have this... issue, that I’m struggling with, and... maybe you can help.

Without going into too much detail, I’m starting to wonder if I’m letting my own feelings and anxieties get in the way of doing what’s right. Or... what might be right. [Sigh] It’s hard to explain. Is it okay if I don’t tell you exactly what the problem is? It’s a bit... sensitive. Anyway, um... let me know when it’s most convenient to set up the reading? I know you’re in the U.S., so with the time difference and all we might be better off just exchanging voicemails, or even just over email or something? Thanks.

[FX: Hangup]

[FX: Beep]

KALILA: Hi Kane! Uh, this is Kalila Stormfire, uh wow, I-- I set that contest up...like when I first started doing tarot readings. Years ago. Man, I thought I'd never get a call, let alone all the way from Australia! I’ve always wanted to visit. Sorry, I mean I am very happy to help or at least get the cards to help. So since you have a specific problem, there’s a 4-card spread I like to use. The first card represents the problem, the second card for how you normally handle the situation, third card for what you’re not seeing about the situation, and last card describes what you need to know about this situation. Give me a call back and let me know what works for you and/or if you want another type of spread. Also, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to tell me exactly what’s going on. The cards will know. And I'll do my best to get the answers that are most helpful to you. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[FX: Hangup]

[FX: Beep]

KANE: Hi Kalila! Thank you so much for getting back to me. Yeah, that 4-card spread sounds exactly like it would work for what I’m struggling with. No rush of course, but I would appreciate if you could do the reading soon. Thank you again.

Oh, and, let me know if you’re ever in Melbourne. I’ll shout you a coffee.

[FX: Hangup]

[FX: Beep]

KALILA: Hello Kane, this is Kalila. I am leaving this voicemail with the reading now and I’ll send you the pictures of the spread over email tomorrow if that’s alright with you. I wanted to make sure I could get you your answers as soon as I could. Okay. So your first card, the card about the problem you are dealing with is represented as The Chariot - It means a choice between a retreat or an onward movement; it symbolises the quintessential question of should I stay the path or should I go on a different one? You're probably thinking "how do I move through this problem?"

The second card is about how you normally deal with this type of problem is the Nine of Swords - this card represents a feeling of anxiety or worry about the future, a constant feeling that everything might be lost.

The third card, which is about what you might not be seeing about this situation comes up as The Hanged Man - now, this means a change in perspective is needed to gain wisdom. It also might mean sacrificing something that no longer serves you or literally taking an as-hereto unknown perspective.

The last card, the fourth card, which is what you, Kane, need to know about this conflict comes up as the Nine of Wands - You need to know what your internal strength, purpose, or resiliency is rather than seeing the dichotomy of strength as an outward physical strength. For example, some people get stuck at the "be more aggressive" versus "be pacifist" about a situation, um, and seeing it as a conflict, which in fact it's a false dichotomy. Ask yourself, what is your core strength?

That’s all I have for you. I hope it helps. Take care, Kane. And good luck.

[FX: Hangup]

[FX: Beep]

KANE: Hi. Wow.

That reading was... very on point in a lot of ways. I’ve never really considered myself a very strong person, but... well, you’re giving me a lot to think about.

Thanks, Kalila. I appreciate your insight. This does help, I think. I mean... I hope it does.

Either way, thank you so much. If you ever need referrals, just let me know. I know I’m way out on the other side of the world but I’m happy to return the favor any way I can.

Take care of yourself too, Kalila. As for good luck... I think I’ll be okay on that. So... I’ll make sure to send some your way, too, okay?

[FX: Hangup]

[MUSIC: The Kalila Stormfire theme plays]

CREDITS: Kalila Stormfire was played by Lisette Alvarez, Kane was played by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. I want to thank Lee and Erin Kyan from the Love and Luck Podcast, for collaborating with me on this mini-episode. You can listen to Love and Luck, a story about two, wonderful, magical men, falling in love, at loveandluckpodcast.com, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for listening

[MUSIC: The Kalila Stormfire plays out]