Episode 75 - Unexpected Wounds

[Dial tone]


ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.





MAGGIE: [Serious] Jason, it's Maggie. I think Mum and Dad might be planning to call you sometime soon. If they do... [Sigh] Look, maybe just... don't answer the phone. And delete any messages they leave you. Just... trust me, okay?

I hope you and Kane are doing okay. We'll talk again soon.



JASON: Maggie, that was an incredibly cryptic message you left me. What's going on? Call me back.



JASON: [Depressed] Hey Kane, so... I should have listened to my sister.

My parents called this evening, just after you went to bed. I answered the call, despite Maggie's warnings, because I was like... I wanted to know what the hell was going on, right?

I shouldn't have answered it. They... they told me to stay out of Maggie's life. To stop seeing Maggie and her quote-unquote, "real" family. They don't uh... they don't want me "corrupting" their grandchild with my "lifestyle".

I thought... [Tearful] I thought this was over. I thought... I mean, I know they don't accept me, but I thought... I thought we'd come to some kind of truce, you know? We don't talk any more, but we also don't hurt each other any more.

I also thought... I thought I was over feeling hurt about this. I thought they couldn't make me feel bad any more. I stopped caring about what they thought, I got angry at them, I try not to think about them, I thought-- I thought...

[Crying] I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm...

[SFX: [off] door knocking]

HELEN: [off] Jason, what's wrong?

JASON: I need to wake Kane up. Can you watch the bar?

HELEN: [off] Yes, of course. Are you okay?

JASON: No... no I'm not.



HELEN: Hey, Jason. Ricardo and I just closed up the bar. Everything went fine.

[Cautiously] I... I understand if you don't want to talk about what's happening, but... I'm here for you if you need it, okay?

[Awkwardly] I've never... I've never seen you cry before, and... I just... I hope you're feeling better by the time you listen to this.

I love you, okay? We all do. We're all here for you.



KANE: [Gently] Hey honey. I hope... I hope you're sleeping okay. You were still a bit fitful when I got up. Hopefully you settle down for a while.

Helen's really worried about you. So are Ricardo and Mira. And... to be honest, I'm a little worried about you too. I've never seen you break down like you did last night.

But... it's okay that you did, okay? Don't take our concern as an implication you shouldn't be upset, or that you should get over it quickly or something. You absolutely should be upset about this, it's completely fucked. What your parents said to you is cruel.

I know I already told you that last night but I'm telling you again, because it's true, and it's important. You're not upset over nothing here. This is really fucked.

[Sigh] I love you. I love you so much.



JASON: Hey. I've been okay this evening. Mira made me a literal flower crown to cheer me up, and honestly, it's pretty hard to be super sad while wearing a flower crown.

I'm still... well, I'm not great. I don't know how to deal with this. It's weird, right, because... I thought my parents couldn't hurt me any more. Honestly, truly, I really thought that. I thought that... once I recovered from how they reacted to you at Maggie's wedding, it was like... well, that's definitely a lost cause, right? So I can stop worrying about it.

And it's not even like I was worried about it much in the first place! I've built my life in such a way that my parents' approval does not matter one goddamn bit. I mean... fuck. Remember how I got you to get my Dad to call me to prove you could do magic? At that point he hadn't talked to me in about six years. And aside from the wedding and the phone call yesterday, he hasn't talked to me again since then, either. And I was fine. I was fine! So why the fuck is this hitting me so hard?

I just... I'm upset, and then I'm angry at myself for being upset, and it's this whole stupid circle.

[Sigh] I love you. I'm sorry that you have to deal with me like this.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm sorry.



KANE: Jason. Don't be sorry for being upset, or for me helping you when you're upset. That's what I'm here for. It's okay.

Besides, it's only fair, right? I mean, I've spent a lot of our relationship leaning on you for comfort. It's only right that I can do the same for you.

I love you. It's all right. I'm here for you.



MAGGIE: [Angry] Jason, it's Maggie. Dad told me that they called you and talked to you.

I am--I am so angry, I can't even think straight. Jason, you listen to me. Fuck them. Fuck them! I love you, and Brad loves you, and our baby is going to love you, and don't you dare stay away from us.

You're my brother and you're part of my family, and I know we don't see each other often, but Jason, please believe me - I want you in my life, I want you in my baby's life.

Please don't stay away. Please.


[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: Hey there baby. So... that whole "you being more real now that I have a bump" thing? It has had an unexpected side effect.

This week, I found myself having these overwhelming moments of fear. What if I'm a bad mother? What if I screw you up? What if you grow up and you hate me? What if I deserve it?

I got really down on... Monday, I think it was. And Priya came home to find me crying on the couch, tissues everywhere. Apparently I looked a right mess.

It was kind of strange, because... I haven't had any of these fears until this week. It's like they all just came crashing down on me at once. One moment I'm fine, then next moment, I am terrified!

So... I called my mother, your grandmother, to ask about it. I needed to know if she'd had the same fears when she was pregnant with me, you know?

And, unsurprisingly... yes. She'd had the exact same fears. She laughed and told me that she felt like having those fears means you understand the enormity of what it means to be a parent.

So... that's sort of comforting, I guess. I'm normal, for once.

We talked about it some more, and... she told me about some of the mistakes she made with me when I was a kid, and how they still eat her up inside sometimes. And you know the funny thing? I didn't even remember half of them. And the ones I did remember, even the ones that had left a less than ideal impression on me? I understood them. I understood how they happened, I understood where she was coming from when she did whatever she did.

And after a while, she got very sad, and she asked me if I forgave her for her mistakes. And baby, I--I started crying. Of course I forgave her. Of course. People are strange and messy creatures, and we make mistakes, even in child rearing. No one is perfect, not even mothers.

And I realized, it's easy to forgive honest mistakes. When someone is truly sorry, and when you know they did their best, it's easy to forgive them.

But that's the thing - there's a difference between making mistakes, and being a bad parent. I had one of each. My mother was a good parent who made mistakes. My father was a bad parent.

I never once, for a single moment in my life, doubted that my mother loved me and wanted what was best for me. Even when she hated decisions I made, or disagreed with opinions I had, she always gave me the freedom and support to be myself and live my own life. She respects me just as much as she loves me. And because of that, I support and respect her too, and love her so dearly, more than I could express.

My father on the other hand, never showed any love or respect for me. He did not care about me, only himself. The only time he thought of me was when it affected him. So in return, I do not think of him either. He does not deserve my consideration.

And I realized... as long as I love you very hard, as long as I support you in being the best person you can be, as long as I do my best with you and treat you kindly and fairly... I think we'll be okay, baby. I really do. Even if I make mistakes, I think we'll be okay.

I know a lot of people who were disowned by their parents, or hated by their parents, and that's... I never, ever feared that from my mother. And I never want you to fear that from me.

So I promise you, okay? I promise to love you forever, I promise to always be here for you, I promise to always respect you, and I promise I will always support you. Because that is what good mothers do.



ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Maggie is voiced by Shelley Dunlop. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

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[Music fades out]