Episode 64 - Hard Things To Bear

[Dial tone]


ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.





JASON: Hey babe. So, just like every other time I've gone to bed at a decent hour with you, I slept for a little bit and then woke right back up again. [Sigh] Oh well. I can always nap on the train home tomorrow.

I've just popped outside, I didn't want to risk waking Maggie or Brad, or you for that matter, by talking in the living room or something. I slightly regret it, because I forgot how quiet regional towns are, and so I feel reeeeeal fucking dodgy standing around outside at one o'clock in the morning.

On the bright side, there's not really anyone around to see me looking dodgy, so... maybe it cancels itself out.

[Breathe in] I think I might take a walk, actually. Just a short one. See if I can convince my body to tire itself out or something.



JASON: Hey. I found a nice park. There's possums.

[Sigh] Ah, today was big. And complicated.

It was a really beautiful wedding. I know that's like, a cliche to say, but... it really was. And everyone was in such good spirits, and I know it's exactly what Maggie and Brad wanted, so... it's a winner from that perspective too.

I don't think I've ever seen Maggie as happy as she was today. She looked... literally radiant. Like there was just rays of joy coming off her. Brad, too.

But, uh... [Sigh] It was hard to see my parents. It always is. We're not estranged enough for it to be reasonable to hate seeing them to the point of avoidance, but... they clearly dislike everything about me, so... it's not exactly comfortable.

I mean shit, the only time I've spoken to my Dad in almost a decade was when you magicked him into calling me! And then again today. That's been it. For years.

[Sigh] It's weird, but... I think I was holding out hope that they'd meet you, and then they'd suddenly... get it. Like, they'd meet you and they'd be like "Oh, this is such a nice young man, I'm okay with the fact my son's gay now". Childish, I know.

The thing is, I didn't even know I was holding that hope until we were standing there in front of them and my mother was scowling at us. Then I realized that it wasn't going to happen, and... it hurt.

But... now I know. Now I know that there's nothing I can do. Because if she can't look at you, and see you and me together, and see how happy you make me, and know that this is something good and pure and wonderful? She'll never know. She'll never get it.

I'm sorry about that. About her. About them. I wish they could see how great you are, and how good you are for me. I wish... I wish they could see that I'm happy. I wish they could see that there's nothing wrong with me, with us.

[Sigh] Well. I should walk back now. I love you, Kane. You mean the world to me, and I'm so, so glad to be with you. I have no regrets about anything if it means I'm with you.



[FX: Train noises]

KANE: [Sweetly] Hey honey. Just a quick little message while you're napping.

I love you so, so much. I can't imagine life without you. You make every day a good day.

[Gently] And, just to remind you? It's not childish to want your parents to love and accept you. It's normal. It's natural.

I'm sorry your parents can't accept us. But there are lots of people who do. Your sister, and your new brother in law, and our friends, and everyone back at the bar, and probably a lot more even than that. We've still got a family. It just looks a little bit different to the one your parents think it should.

I love you, and it's your parents' loss to not embrace you. You're beautiful and kind and loved by so many people. And especially by me.



MICHAEL: Hey, Ricardo, it's Michael.

I'm having kind of a bad morning, and... well, you said leaving messages on Jason's phone helps you sometimes, so... I'm hoping you don't mind if I try leaving you one. If you don't want me to do this, just let me know, and I won't do it again.

[Downhearted] I still haven't found another job. Victor is covering my rent for this month, and... I feel awful. The money from selling my paintings let me pay him back for last month's rent, but... now I'm behind again.

I don't want to rely on him for this. I thought that I'd be okay, leaving the Best of Luck Bar, I thought... I thought that I could find something. But... it's hard. No one wants to hire me.

And I still have nightmares. About what happened. And... you understand. I try not to talk to anyone else about it, because they don't know what it's like. I don't want them thinking I'm falling apart, you know?

I'm not falling apart. I'm just...

[Plainly] There are scars in me from what happened. And scars are healed flesh, but they're changed. I'm changed. And that's mostly all right. I know my own heart, I know how to get through the day, but... sometimes I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay. I don't want them to pity me while they do it, and I don't want them to treat me like a child for it.

But I know you won't do that, because you know how it is.

I'm sorry that you know how it is. We shouldn't have had suffered it. But I'm glad that we can be there for each other.

Thank you, Ricardo. I feel better having talked about this. Let me know if I can ever do the same for you.



RICARDO: Hey, Michael. I'm sorry I missed your call, but I got your message. And... yeah. I know how it is. Not just the nightmares, either.

I've been relying on Jason and Kane since I got here, and I hate that, sometimes. Needing help to make ends meet feels humiliating.

But you know, I asked Jason about it once, and I bet if you ask Victor about it he'd say the same thing: we're not burdens. They want to help us because they care about us. It's not out of duty or obligation or pity. It's out of love. And we'd do the same for them, if our situations were reversed.

And, Michael? It will be okay. Even if it doesn't feel like it... which it almost never does, at least for me. But my feelings don't change the truth, and the truth is that we will be okay. We have good friends who care about us and want to help us, and they will help make it okay. And we will heal, and our scars will fade, and it will be okay. It will.

And then? Then we can help them too, or we can help the next people who come along and need it. Because by needing help, we know how important it is to receive it.

Bless you, my friend. May we both sleep peacefully tonight.



PRIYA: Hello, Kane Baxter? My name is Priya Singh. I'm wondering, are you related to Julie Baxter?

I found your number on Facebook. I was looking for people with the surname Baxter in Melbourne, since I couldn't find her specifically, and... well, I saw your picture, and... you look a lot like her.

If you are related to her, please call me back. I have some things of hers that I'd like to return to her, if possible. Thanks.



KANE: Hi, Priya. Sorry I missed your call, my phone's always on silent.

But... yeah, um... my mother's name was Julie. She... she passed away, a few years ago, though.

I'd... really like to talk to you though, if possible. Um... I'll try calling again tomorrow.



ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Priya is voiced by Gemma Mahadeo. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

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